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3 Mistakes Any Woman Can Make

27 March 2012 3 Comments

Hi, i’ve been having a casual relationship with this guy who is 12 years younger
than me for about 6 months. Its also long distance so i have only been seeing
him about twice a month.He lives in my hometown in Wiltshire, so I go there
often to see family.

I did not tell him my age for fear of putting him off and I look alot younger
than i am (45). I fell for him as soon as our eyes met and he was very keen too.
I was happy because i had not been out or slept with anyone for 3 years mainly
due to being diagnosed with breast cancer and going through treatment and my
self – esteem was very low.

Anyway we chatted and went out the following night for a drink and stupidly
ended up having sex (it had been a long time!)He seemed to like me though and
said he would call. I then made another stupid mistake and texted him the next
morning asking if he got home ok as he had to walk quite far and was worried –
he did reply and said he would call me. I then returned to London.

I did not hear anything from him but bumped into him when i returned to
Wiltshire 2 weeks later in the local pub. He said hi, looked a bit nervous and
walked out. I then sent him a text to ask why he was giving me the cold shoulder
and he replied saying he wasn’t but was just shy. So l replied saying do you
fancy a beer and he said yes, so arranged to meet. Guess what?? he didn’t turn
up!!I saw him later that evening and he was very wasted in the pub. So i decided
not to bother with him but was still a bit hurt as i was so attracted to him.

I saw him a month later in the pub again and didn’t really speak but later on
that night he rang me to see what i was doing – so i ended up going back to his
house and having an extremely passionate 9 hours. He knocked me for 6 as i
couldn’t believe how amazing it was and never had experienced it before. He also
said that he couldn’t believe I was in his room.

But at the end there was no chat or cuddles and i suddenly felt really uneasy
and cheap – so l left and he said he would call me later that day so we could go
out that night. He didn’t!

Since then i have been returning home every 2 weeks mainly to see him as I’m
addicted to the passion. He only texts me when he wants sex and i foolishly gave
in thinking i could handle what was obviously a fuck buddy thing.

He has opened up with me quite a bit and admitted he is a drug dealer with a
serious coke/ketamine habit and doesn’t understand why someone like me would
want to be with him. He is very ashamed of himself and I feel sorry for him but
he doesn’t ever want to know anything about me. He has showed some signs that he
cares eg. he made a playlist on my ipod one night which was mainly love songs and
took me to meet his friends. He also asked me last time i was with him what was
going on with us, so i said l really liked him and would like us to get to know
each other better and maybe go out sometimes- thats all- he then went on to tell
me all his problems but never said how he felt about me.
l know that there is no future with him because of his problems but l wished
there could be. Last time l was down he completely ignored my texts saying i was
there and have heard nothing for 2 weeks. This will sound crazy but i’m madly in
love with him and i don’t know why as he shows me no respect but l’m heartbroken
and severely depressed now – wished to god i’d never met him. I just want to know
why he’s suddenly started ignoring me. I did get the feeling that there was
something there and his friends say he’s a lovely guy with a heart of gold so
i’m really confused. He is completely wasted just about every day and i don’t
think he knows what hes doing and l also think I’ve really lost the plot feeling
like this about some one who’s a dealer and a serious junky.

I just want some answers as to why he’s suddenly lost interest so l can move on.

I believe you yourself know the answer to your question without me having to write anything down here. You have been off your game for 3 years and have obviously been through a lot with your personal life. Then all of a sudden you met someone who showed some interest and shared a passionate night with you. You didn’t fight it because you thought everything will unravel nicely and maybe there would be something — you knew that there was no future in it but it was nice to have someone care for you and especially someone younger. He turned out to be nothing like he portrayed himself to be like, or you just may have misread him due to a few drinks or because of your vulnerability the first night you slept with him.

After the first night together, you began making mistakes that made him distance himself away from you.

1. You acted like you hadn’t been with anyone in a long time, which though is a good thing for most men, it’s a turn off. It made you look desperate, especially when you texted him the next morning.
2. You kept asking him to come out when you knew he wasn’t too interested. And once he didn’t show up to a date that one night, he gave you an excuse that made you feel sympathy for him rather than anger.
3. You let him off to easy whenever he messed up instead of getting angry and showing him that you’re not going to always be there for him whenever he needs a booty call.

Now, that’s the harsh reality and you yourself know that those are the mistakes you made. The thing is, you need to see your self-worth and instead of feeling bad for him for his decisions to sell and use junk, you should move on. You’re obviously much nicer, more caring, and more responsible than this younger recluse and you should move on before his problems begin to affect you in a worse way.

To answer your question about why he lost interest: I personally don’t think he had too much interest to begin with. He slept with you and that was all the interest he had. Then when he was drunk and lonely he would call you just to scratch that itch. Now what you should do about it is to leave and forget about him. You yourself said that you wish you had never met him at all, and the cure to that is to delete his number, cry it out for a few days, and move on. You shouldn’t ever regret the past, but you should learn off your mistakes, and see him as just that — a small mistake. We’ve all had them and most of us have been other people’s mistakes as well. It’s the imbalance of emotional attachment that usually causes this. You thought there was something more to what you two shared than there actually was, and to him, he was so strung out that he couldn’t appreciate what he had and most probably doesn’t to this day. The very day that he didn’t show up to the date should have been the last straw and you should have removed him from you life. It’s all much easier said than done, but I’m being harsh because I know that pursuing this sort of thing and trying to make a relationship out of it will prolong the torture and make you feel much worse in the long run.


  • x said:

    Hi I’m going through the same kind of problem this although I’m only 20 I feel for you it would be so much easier for us if they told us straight instead of ignoring us I have known this guy for 2 year and all he’s ever done is use me & give me faules hope and I was stupid enough to let it happen because I liked him & was so attracted to him & you can’t help who you fall for as the saying goes lol anyway i guess he wasn’t ready for any realtionship and he would rather just use girls for one night stands or flings but nothing serious & he was with a girl for 4 years they had split up months before I met him I totally understand why he’s not wanting the whole comitment thing right now even though they have been split up for ages but I hate the way he went about our realtionship with each other we also had the Affection part too and I loved him being around me but now that’s gone as he’s ignoring my texts he’s done this before but I’d always somehow get him to text back but this time I think I won’t be seeing him again and I’ve came to relise mabey its for the best as I don’t deserve to be treated that way & you don’t either its hard & upsetting but time is a Healer I deleted his number I found this hard to do & I knew if I kept it I would text him and make a fool of myself as he’s not giving a fuck about me so it would make things worse I’m always gonna like him that will never change I don’t hate him either I just don’t want that shit in my life as I know its wrong I should be with someone who cares about me & not just my body sort of speek but I’m going to stay away from men for now as I think I’ve tarnished them with the same brush (ie thinking they are all the same when deep down that’s probably not true! I will get over this one way or another it will take time but I hope in a few years to come I will be looking back and laugh about this as I shouldn’t be hung up on some user! I hope you will look back on it too I know its hard & so annoying and we want answers but somehow I don’t think they want to give us any they we’re just happy to get what they wanted and leave and leave us feeling dirty and used we can only learn from it and trust me I have learned already I was that angry at myself good luck you’ll be fine and you’ll relise what a prick this man actually was x

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  • Jonah said:

    I am sad to hear about your story,
    well– first, you’re a woman so guys must be the first one to show interest. And if your interested also– give love but not too much. Expect the unexpected so it will not hurt a lot.

    Jonah from montre blanche 

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  • Robb said:

    My best suggestion for you is this.

    Get away from him like yesterday. And certainly quit trying to fix the bad boy in him. Sooner or later he will reach a low point and be forced to get straight. But until then he is only heading to one of three places…jail, hospital, morgue. And all those spell pain in the end.

    I mean seriously, do you want that type of pain?

    Since you know he is addicted to drugs. Have you done these things for self preservation.

    Get tested for HIV. drugs = needles = possible disease.
    Even if he didn’t have hiv, what if he had something else?

    FYI, that 9 hours session you had was not him, it was the drugs in him.

    Personally I hope that you are clean, but in any case I would get tested just to ease the mind.

    As to why he doesn’t call you back…he is in love with Lady Cocaine/Ketamine.

    good luck out there

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