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A Failed Love Triangle

13 April 2015 4 Comments

Hi Robby,
The unfortunate situation I have created for myself seems to me an odd one. To
try and avoid the ‘and thens’ of the story, essentially I began seeing a
girl – let’s call her Lily – through a dating app and we hit it off instantly.
Both of us recently out of LTRs and both predominantly straight with a bit of a
bi-curious twist. We shared stories of our online dating sexcapades and gave
each other advice as well as have a laugh about them. We had become good friends
over a short period of time through this bonding, whilst loving pleasuring each
other in the process.

Enter a guy – let’s call him Tom – Lily had begun chatting to and had
developed a really intense, sexual connection with from the get go. She
described Tom to me and he sounded exactly like the type of guy I would love to
have had as a fuck buddy. He was emotionally mature, vastly sexually experienced
and experimental and had no interest in a relationship. Literally the ideal FB.
I told her this honestly, and that she was very lucky to have met him. Lily and
Tom kept on talking and within a week or so had the idea of having a threesome
with me. This both intrigued and aroused me. I loved the idea! So we decided
that once she had met him (he was currently working overseas and wasn’t able
to meet for a couple of weeks) we could work out if we all got along from there.
But here’s the clincher. Lily shared with me just how much he loved to
dominate (as in male dominatrix type of scenario) her. The phone sex
conversations she described to me were truly out of this world. She confessed to
me that it was all very over-whelming but that she was enjoying all of it,
except that when it came to dominating him, she didn’t do so well. She just
wanted to please him and be submissive to his needs. Looking back now, I realise
just how envious of her situation I was but also how I differently I would have
behaved if I had been her. So, one day when Lily and I are together and Tom
sends her a message, I suggest to turn their D/s relationship into a triangle
whereby I become Tom’s dom and he be my sub. Now, at the time, Lily told me
she was comfortable with the suggestion and gave me permission to make the
suggestion to Tom. He loved the idea also, so it began.

The D/s triangle – which was all online only, not in person – lasted about a
week. In this time Lily and Tom met for the first time and bonded passionately
with ease. They sent me a message while they were together and I felt not only
envious but left out. Like a toy they didn’t need for their game. It was also
shortly after that I realised just how badly I wanted to fuck Tom as an equal
and without Lily as well as still have a threesome situation with the two of
them. And in addition to this, how much it was affecting my relationship with
Lily. My relationship with Lily had become crippled in that week. She wasn’t
herself with me and her pet names for me had disappeared almost immediately. I
asked her every day if she was comfortable and that all she had to do was tell
me to stop and that would be the end of it. She never did though. It wasn’t
until I called her and told her honestly about my urges to experience Tom on my
own as well as with her that she confessed to being uncomfortable with the whole
triangle thing from the beginning and being too afraid to tell either one of us
because she didn’t want to upset us. She also said that she was feeling
confused because she had no ownership over Tom or me as all three of us were all
seeing other people as well. This was or should have been a purely casual sex

In the end, after a few days of letting Lily think about it all – I had
already told Tom that things had to cool off on our end for Lily and he
completely understood – she eventually agreed to meet me so that we could talk
it through in person. At the end of the meet we agreed that Tom and I should
meet on our own to see if we get on, I promised that I wouldn’t do anything
physical with Tom at all and he promised the same once we made the suggestion to
him, and then arrange a meet with all three of us if it did go well. To cut to
the chase, Tom and I did not get on in real life. Through our chatting we had
had a great sexual chemistry. In person however, our personalities outside of
the D/s arrangement clashed and we both felt really exhausted by the other
person. But, we admitted to still being somewhat sexually attracted to each
other still. Me being more open to a sexual relationship with him than he was
with me though. But, after we talked it through and I stupidly made a pass at
him even though I promised Lily I wouldn’t, I sent him a message to say that
it was all a bit too hard and that it was more right to end it altogether and
put it down as a failed interaction. He replied agreeing with the sentiment and
that it was for the best. And, because I felt that I could not be trusted by
Lily anymore (especially once she found out I made a pass at Tom) and that I was
simply not for her (as I had clashed with Tom hard and yet connected with Lily
so easily even though they were both very similar personalities) I decided cut
all ties with her as well.

Which brings me to my problem. I cannot for the life of me get Tom out of my
head! Call it an unfulfilled sexual attraction, but I fantasize about being his
dom as well as fucking him as an equal day and night. So much so that short of 2
weeks after cutting ties with him, I sent him a rather detailed and formal
message proposing that we give the D/s thing a shot in person as a one off. And
if it truly goes awfully again, then we know – I will know – that it just
isn’t meant to be. It’s been four days since I made the proposal to him and
no answer. Am I wasting my time? Is it at all likely that a man who classifies
himself as a functioning sex addict (whose moral compass is on point I might
add) could want me? Me being someone who is a confessed serial cheater and
someone who uses sex as a way to self-medicate – which I should point out both
Lily and Tom became aware of towards the end. Or should I completely write this
off as a fantasy that will always be just that?

Hello to all, Robby G hasn’t been posting in years yet the questions have kept on piling up. Mostly, I haven’t been posting because I had issues with the site and also because I pursued a career in writing literature & filmmaking under my real name Robert Gulassarian. Nonetheless, I’ve always kept up with what has been happening to this lovely blog I so ardently yet somewhat frivolously began many years ago. It’s been steadily growing as one of the go-to sites for information concerning fuck-buddy relationships, and as people have become more open to the idea of fuck-buddies, the popularity of this blog has grown. And it hasn’t been until receiving this recent question that I truly wanted to make a come-back. I have some free time again and the passion to tackle tough questions is back in my spirit, so let’s get to it.

Firstly, Tulip, thank you for your question and for being so eloquent with your writing, I appreciate the effort. Secondly, without any judgement, I must say that you have gotten yourself into a predicament that you should have probably handled better from the jump. I do salute you for admitting your own jealousy in retrospect concerning Lily and Tom’s relationship, but isn’t it interesting how Tom sounded like the perfect fuck-buddy type yet after you and he met, you and he did not share that chemistry that was there when you were only exchanging online dialogues? Though he may as well be the perfect candidate for a fuck buddy relationship, you realized that he was more suited for Lily than yourself. Yet, even after having met him and seeing there was no physical chemistry, you continued to think about him and pursue him. Personally, I believe that your initial response was accurate, that you should stay away and the ménage triangle you three planned, though a fantasy bliss, was a mistake from the get-go.


Secondly, you admit that you use sex to self-medicate, yet you continue to not tackle that issue since perhaps you do not see it as a dilemma but a rather harmless remedy. This sort of thought might hinder any real relationship you may have or aim to get yourself involved in the future, so I must advise that you differentiate between what is fantasy and what is, or should be, reality. Unlike the story of Dorian Grey, unfulfilled fantasies are sometimes necessary to enjoy the beauty of imagination. I understand that we live in times of excess, however it is sometimes more gratifying to tame ourselves when it comes to sexual exploits, as we begin to experience new sentiments towards ourselves and the personalized realities we live in.

You mention that Tom is a functioning sex-addict. It is very difficult to express to you whether or not he is who he portrays to be, or whether he is coming off as someone he believes is the persona that will receive attention and acceptance from women. What I mean by that is that Tom might just be concealing parts of himself from you and Lily just to exude a character of manliness. I say this, because if his aim was to score a threesome, he would not have gone so far as to meet with you without intention of having sex and just to get to know you for Lily’s sake, if a fuck-buddy fling is all he was looking for. Why immerse himself in a “date” that may literally spark feeling or emotions towards you when the main objective is an emotion-free sexual experience? You all have gotten too close on a human level, where jealousy, envy, lust, expectations are all evidently in play. I would suggest to let this flame burn out, because not only is there clear indication that Tom is questioning his actions by not being responsive for four days, but also because you are putting Lily in a very awkward position that she is not comfortable in.

Now concerning Lily, it sounds like you are a much more dominating person whose influence she easily surrenders to, and in this paradigm of power and control (not trying to sound somber) you have a duty to look out for Lily’s interests as well as your own as she is bestowing an element of trust in your friendship. Think altruistically in this scenario and your intuition should guide you out of this issue where you all come out happy that it has happened rather than dreading the entire thing. It’s not too late to make things right, but you are the only one who can make amends by being honest with yourself and Lily. Do not think of personal gains, but think of mutual benefits, and things should work out well. Discover whether she views you as a tribulation and what her honest ambitions are towards you and Tom. That way you are standing in the light of honesty and truthfulness rather than selfish pursuit through mendacity and capriciousness.

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  • Tulip said:

    Firstly, I never expected a reply from you Robby – let alone a quick one! – considering how long the blog had been unattended. But I’m so glad and thankful that my question has brought you back.

    Secondly, this might go without saying, but thank you for your honesty. I definitely agree that I should have handled the triangle and my emotions much better. I have continued to stay away from Lily, and now six days from when I sent Tom my proposal with no response, I believe you’re right about letting go of both a possibility of being with Tom on his own as well as with any other woman let alone Lily.

    As for my self-medicating through sex, you are right. It is not something I have deliberately worked toward tackling or stopping. Unfortunately, as with all detrimental habits, it is a habit I have had ever since I began feeling sexualised (and not from when I first began having sex as you/Ask Robby readers may assume). I had not completely contemplated the notion that it may affect future relationships (both casual and monogamous) until now. To be honest, it is a haunting thought. In the last few days, both before and after your reply as well as especially after this failed triangle, I have considered that extreme action might be needed. For example, a long period of sexual abstinence with conditions. What do you think?

    I also find your reference to Dorian Grey interesting. I’ve never read the novel series, but as with all of the media around it, I know what it is about. It wasn’t the driver, or a contributing inspiration, for me to become Tom’s dom. In addition to being attracted to him and also wanting to be an equal part of a threesome rather than an accessory, I also wanted to be in control. Another trait of mine that has affected my sexual life it would seem.

    I would agree with you about Tom’s profession that he is a sex addict. I did actually raise this with him when we met after he had established that the exhaustion he felt just interacting with me was almost enough for him to not be sexually attracted to me. When he said that, I asked him, “Then don’t you think that belays your sexual addiction? Surely a sex-addict would fuck anyone that offered themselves to him?” He agreed, surprised at the realisation, and replied that he would have to revise the entire way he saw himself. So, whether it is a façade to attract and snare women, or if it is truly how he sees himself, I will never know. But to speak to his character and why he met with me in a date format even though it was just about sex essentially, Tom had described himself as an emotional person who endeavours to understand the feelings and emotions of the people he interacts with, someone who connects with someone’s emotions rather than their opinions or thoughts. This in itself is where we clashed, I am a very analytical person and so using my emotions rather than my thoughts and the information I’m presented with verbally is difficult at times.

    Funnily enough, I think that Tom’s silent rejection of me has helped to let the flame burn out. My day dreams aren’t coming in waves anymore and I’m finding the fog of lust is beginning to clear.
    I’m not sure if Lily knows that I’ve contacted Tom. I don’t know if they’re still seeing each other or not. I can only assume that they still are. Why would they not be?

    And you’re not being sombre at all; because of predominantly my influence I believe, the whole thing was indeed a paradigm of power and control. And I agree with you again, it was and is my responsibility to ensure Lily’s interests are looked out for. And I let her down. Tom on the other hand, didn’t. In the hopes of sounding like a realist rather than too self-pitying, I believe that there is no future for myself with Lily as a friend or otherwise. I simply do not trust myself enough to put myself back into her life and expect a second chance. I have always maintained an honesty and truthfulness to all of the partners I’ve had, which has had both positive and negative outcomes. In this instance, I believe the bluntly delivered honesty I gave to Lily when I told her I wouldn’t see her anymore – in how I see myself, how through Tom I realised that I am not for her and how my selfish actions that were born out of my insecurities affected her – was enough to burn the bridge entirely. Unfortunately in this triangle, I do not see any optimism for any amends with Lily.

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Tulip: Glad I could help and make you reflect on your choices a little bit. And thanks for bringing me back. I’m going to try and answer more questions as they come in, and perhaps some of the questions from the recent past.

    Reply to Comment

  • Riri said:

    Hi Robby G. . . I love this website. All your advice is lovely.

    umm,, look, I’m a girl almost 22 y o. still in college for this year. . .

    Around January 2014, I join a dating site for friendship and practice my poor English. And then be friend with 44 y o men from the other side of earth, but its funny how we can bond to each other until now. September 2015. It’s really like we have our clouds or something. I mean, oh my God, 22 y o different age feels nothing.

    he is single, never been married or have children or something. I know it, a famous writer in Holland, so I know. . He is in Google, goodreads, credit title in movie, etc. umm,, crazily, about eight months ago we start talking about sex. Yes a real sex. Its because I been virgin before and you know, a bit curious about it. (since I am Asian, commonly we have sex after marriage, but still I am a curious girl.) and then that day he is really horny, he said (he have no girlfriend too because every women he seen have been ask for settle down, kids ets, so he cant. He said he is not ready for it.)and then stupidly I say “I want to know how p*nis look like.” So I watch him masturbating.

    You know what, , , that’s change my life. . . I never know before, how p*nis can affect my heartbeat and another part of me. For a month maybe, , , I cant erase the visualization of that sexy cam. Its just feel ‘I want it’. my Dutch friend cant come or something because he in the middle of big project for two years, so he said maybe I can masturbation myself too. Its no big deal. You can satisfy yourself. But its just I cant touch it.

    Umm,, I have another foreign friend too actually. . . same collage as me, , and we are really close. .

    I ask a proposition to him. A friend with benefit relationship, accepted . . . we do that for about two months, , , all fine, sex and friendship. Until 4 months ago he want more. . . he want me as his girlfriend. I said yes. . I think it’s just a label. . “Girlfriend” or “friend with benefit” stuff. .

    About a month ago, he gives me a ring. . well, not an engagement ring or something, just couple ring with his initial on mine and my initial on his.

    He is not really loved me right? (He often said he love me, but men always said stuff like that right? even when they don’t.) I mean the ring is not serious, right? or the couple mug (he gives me couple mug and any other stuff. But the one that freak me out is ring.). . Because all I see in him is my 44 y o Dutch friend. I never see him even one in every single thing we do. Even in the edge of orgasm, , all I see is my virtual friend.

    Thanks. .

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