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A Few Kind Words and a Kiss – pt 2

23 January 2011 2 Comments

Dear Robby,

I sent you an email initially on the 11th September 2010 with the title, “A Few Words and a Kiss” and am hoping that you can advise me on what to do
with the latest problem with my FB.

Basically, my last post to you was saying that my FB said that he just
wanted to be friends and that he needed space. This was done just before I
had taken 3 weeks off work (due to personal reasons) and I then decided to
ignore him because I was hurting so bad and needed to get over this. Whilst
I was away, he sent me a few texts asking if I was ok and was asking all my
friends at work if they had heard from me and how I was.

I came back to work and he sent me an email saying that he was glad to see
me. I again ignored this and he kept wanting to talk to me.

I then gave in and talked (shouted rather) and we had a big blazing argument
and he got really pissed off when I told him that I didn`t ask for his
concern cos he said that he was worried. This eventually calmed down and we
started to talk normally and he started to look/speak to me like he used
to.

I have since found out that he was shagging some other gal (whilst I was
away) and there he was telling me that he needed space and he goes off and
shags her. What`s that all about? He also said that because I was ignoring
him that he thought I wanted nothing more to do with him.

He keeps asking me what I want and I have told him that I want things to be
back to how they were before and that I don`t want to be in a relationship
with him and that he is just my bit on the side like I was to him. He
actually seemed a bit put off by that remark. I also told him that I never,
ever gave him any indication that I wanted more from him (which I never,
ever did) so it pissed me off that he was trying to turn this and make it out
like I was the one trying to get more from him when he knew I had a
boyfriend and HE was the one being more intimate towards me than I towards
him.

Basically, we are now back to how we were before (except this time it`s
colder) but I am still with my boyfriend and he knows this. My point is
this……I am so in love with this dude that it is breaking my heart and I
can`t stop thinking about him. I can`t admit my feelings for him because,
although I knew it was something a bit more than fuck buddies before, too
much has happened since. He keeps telling me that he understands that we
are just fuck buddies but at the same time, it feels like he is wanting me
to admit how I feel to him and I just can`t.

Please advise me before I go mental????

Thanks

That’s quite a dilemma, because though you seriously feel for this guy, you tend to show him just the opposite, that you do not care much for him and that he’s your side man. This obviously confuses him and though I still do not think it completely turns him off of you, it makes sense why he goes and sleeps with another girl on the side. You treat him in a way that infuriates him for first of all caring for you, and then when he tries to play it cool, you step a notch higher and almost patronize him for trying to be intimate with you even though he “had no right to” because you had a boyfriend or whatnot. I think that he himself is having major battles with himself in how to approach this situation you two are in. He clearly still thinks about you, or at least he did when you were away for 3 weeks. He called, texted, and went out of his way to ask your co-workers how you were. If anything, the girl on the side that he was shagging did not mean a whole lot to him at that point and he wanted to gain the upper hand with you, but still to this day is incapable of figuring a way to do it.

I think that even though he wants to hear from you that you really feel like you can’t be without him, his entire view of your “relationship” is convoluted because you are again with your ex-boyfriend and neither one of you is really being straightforward with what you want. You both seem like you know what you want and want to express it to one another, but neither one of you is conveying. I don’t know if it is due to the complexity of the situation; whether the right time to be open has passed; or if it is a question of pride, but it is keeping the two of you in this inner battle that is expressed through the arguments you have with each other. I can sense just through your explanations that you care dearly for him, much more than the average fb or even a boyfriend, and he possesses similar feelings, but its the lack of communication that is distorting the positive flow and instead creates frustration. What I suggest is to be an extrovert and express all of your feelings through a physical performance. Try to arrange a date where you can be as promiscuous as you’d like, and instead of talking, just show him how you feel through sex, basically. Don’t allow him to ask questions or talk or anything, just take lead and perform. I sincerely believe that would resolve any issues of ambiguity or confusion that you too may have and will get rid of the frustration you two are having. After this, however, you will most probably create some sort of a bond that will ultimately lead to forming a relationship with him that stretches beyond the realm of FBs. Though this is very unfair to your current boyfriend, you may want to get ready to break things off with him if that spontaneous sex session will reel a circumstance that you are happy with. Sex can really be a great loosen-upper and resolve all the unwanted tension that lingers around two people that have serious feelings for each other but do not know how to really articulate it.

PS: If you’re looking to make some new friends with benefits, check out Fuckbook, it’s quite a site.

2 Comments »

  • Lilac said:

    Hi Robbie, it’s me again!!!

    Thank you for taking the time out to reply to my story and I would like to update you on things that have happened over the last few months.

    We both no longer work together but have been keeping in touch by phone/email/text – mainly he would initiate contact and things appeared to be cool. In December, he really pursued me again and I was really suspicious to why this was. He messaged me, called me and text me alot more than normal. Basically, he REALLY wanted to meet with me and then I found out why and I was right to be suspicious – he was now in a relationship with the “love of his life” and he wanted to see me one last time. Can you imagine how this made me feel? Of course I didn’t meet him at that time but this knocked the wind out of my sails….I kept thinking, why can’t that have been me?? I then told him that I can’t meet him knowing that it would be the last time and it would actually be harder for me knowing that I wouldn’t see him again and he kept saying that it’s a shame, etc etc.

    Fast forward to a month later and he messages me to say that they have had a fight and that it was over between them. I met up with him because he was devastated and we just talked and, apart from when he was talking about his ex, we actually had a good time. This was the first time that we met up where there was no sex and it really worked….I did feel bad for him because I know exactly what he was going through (I’m feeling it right now, believe me).

    Anyway, we carry on texting and he thanked me for listening to him and this was the first time that he actually opened up to me about things and it felt so right. We then kept in contact and he actually came around my house 3 times and I wasn’t in each time so he would leave a note to say that he has been around. This shows that he was keen no?

    We meet up again and this time we have sex (as you suggested with no words spoken) and afterwards, he was really distant. I asked him what was up but he clammed up again. He kept saying that he would see me soon and was always mentioning a “next time” but since then, I haven’t heard anything from him. I have text him a couple of times but have got nothing in return. I told him to just tell me if he is back with his ex and I will leave him be but NOTHING!

    Just when I think that I am getting somewhere with him, he backs off. We get on really well but I hate being ignored especially by him – particulary since I have broken up with my boyfriend once and for all but I am not sure if he knows this.

    Please help – again.

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Lilac: That’s really weird that he would play the disappearing act when things were going so well between you two. It almost seems like he enjoys when things aren’t 100%. I would say just give it some time and see what happens the next time he calls or comes around. I wouldn’t say be as lenient about his BS this time around, because it just seems like he’s not appreciating you or what you’re doing for him. You’ve become his shoulder to cry on and that’s not where you want to stand. I would really love to hear his excuse for why he hasn’t answered to any of your texts and if it’s simply that he’s back with his ex, then you should tell him it’s no way for you to be treated. You have to make your own conclusions with him here, because I don’t know how much you’re willing to take from him and if he’s worth it. But I would like to know why he’s been dodging you like he has been.

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