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A Few Kind Words and a Kiss

11 September 2010 3 Comments

Hello, I wonder if you can help me. I have been seeing a guy from my
workplace for around six months and it is a Friends-with-benefits thing.
Please forgive me for not using the words f*ck buddies!!!

Basically, I told him from the start that I had a boyfriend and he didn’t seem
too bothered by this (no surprise there then) but he asked me out and we
have been seeing each other ever since. At the beginning, every thing was
really good….he treated me like a queen and would always compliment me and
make me feel good. When I was distant one day, he told me that he hoped
that things weren’t over because he liked me alot. He would always email me
everyday and just generally be really sweet.

Anyway, as time has gone on, he has become alot more distant. I know that I
have a boyfriend, so I should’t moan, but he has changed. Just the other
day, he hadn’t emailed me at all and when I said that I wanted to chat to
him, he basically said that it has and that at least we could be civil to
each other. He didn’t even try to keep things as they were, he just said
that he was happy to “carry on” with me but if I didn’t want to then he
would be cool with it.

That really hurt and I know that I like him more than I want to. It`s
awkward because I work with him and I want things back to how they were.

I didn’t even like him in that way before and now I do…..can you please
advise me on how to get him to be interested again? Oh, and I am no longer
with my boyfriend.

Thanks alot.x

It’s not that he is not interested in you, it just that he didn’t know how to deal with the entire situation so therefore he shut down. It is often that when a man starts seeing or sleeping with a woman he really likes while she has someone else and they both agree to make it strictly sexual that he loses control of himself once he realizes that it is something he hasn’t expected. For instance, you two were sleeping together and I am sure he thought he would be able to keep his emotions in check and that the whole situation would be wonderful. When time came to share you with your boyfriend and keeping it within the restraints of the “friends with benefits” relationship rather than a formal relationship, he retreated. It is fully normal. It doesn’t mean that he isn’t interested, it only means that he didn’t know what else to do and breaking away from you and distancing himself would essentially make you feel bad for him and want to take care of him and eventually start something more serious.

He is Fragile. Approach with Caution

Now that you are no longer with your boyfriend, it will be much easier for you to get him to be interested in you once again. But you must look at things from his perspective. He was into you, he was emotionally attached, then you two were involved and I’m sure it was quite intimate in every sense of the word, and then you continued going back to your boyfriend. This obviously struck him as a stab at the heart, and so he made himself more removed from you. It’s a natural response. The problem now isn’t to get him to be interested in you, but to get him to trust you. You must realize that he hooked up with you when you were dating someone else, it would be normal of him to think that you have the ability to cheat on him if you ever took your relationship to the next level. He is in a fragile state of mind right now and it is upto you to make him feel comfortable and accepting. A perfect way of doing this is to make yourself irresistible to him. If you know certain things that he likes about you, for instance, the way you flirtatiously look at him in public or the way you smile at him that makes him feel special, make sure to do those things. I’m not certain what your thing is, but every couple has their own little “thing” that only the two of them really know about that gets them both feeling connected. Make him feel that connection with you and in turn make him feel like he is the only one you are interested in. Those minor moments of chemistry don’t only make him feel special, but it will make you irresistible to him. And when you are alone and talking without any emotional barriers that he may put up (such as not wanting to talk about where your relationship stands), tell him that you’re done with your boyfriend and you want to be only with him. A few kind words and a passionate kiss will be enough to turn him around and want you more than ever. Enjoy 😉


  • lilac said:

    Dear Rob,

    Thank you so much for your answer. I would never ever have thought that he distanced himself because of my ex-boyfriend. I haven’t actually told him that I have split with my boyfriend – all he thinks is that we are going through a rough patch.

    He has continued to be distant by saying that he has things going on in his personal life (he wouldn’t tell me what though) and he has had things on his mind but they are over with now. He has been quieter at work. I`ve told him that I want to continue seeing him and he says that he wants to see me; however his actions are not expressing that. I am constantly emailing him first and when he sends back his answers, they are just very brief and I am making such an effort but I don’t seem to be getting anything back. He will talk to me saying that it will just a bit of time. He seems to be showing off and making sure that he speaks to everybody in front of me yet he is not that loud when he is with me – he acts as though he’s my friend and even the way he looks at me is different.

    About 2 weeks ago, he was meant to come to my house but said that he would come the next day instead. I was ok with that but then he let me down the next day also. He knows how that makes me mad when he lets me down but he still keeps doing it. It has made me upset and he has seen me walk around with a sad look on my face and has commented on it. It’s breaking my heart

    I recently overheard someone saying that a girl he was seeing before is back on the scene (but don’t know exactly what was meant by this). Could this explain everything? I have told him so many times that if he wants to call it a day, just tell me…..whether it’s another gal or he has gone off me, just tell me. I even gave him the easy option to do this by email but he hasn’t yet and I am soooo confused.

    I’m sorry to go on again and would really appreciate your advice again please.



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    Robby G Reply:

    @Lilac: It could be the girl that’s back on the scene, but I truly doubt it. He did however say that something came up in his personal life, so the girl could be this personal “issue”. Give it some time and see if he changes how he acts towards you, but at the same time do not be afraid to show emotions such as anger when he pulls things like not showing up when he said he would. You’re not someone that he can just use whenever he feels bored, but tell him that he should be a man and stick to his word and that if he promised to see you then he should show up because you’re busy as well and have things to do. See how he responds to things like those and take it from there.

    Reply to Comment

    lilac Reply:

    Dear Robbie G,

    Thank you for your advice – I appreciate it, really I do.

    He has recently started to get warmer towards me and we were kinda getting along but it still wasn`t the same. He wasn`t being very affectionate towards me like he used to be and this has been extremely confusing. I`ve realised that I love him and his behaviour is hurting me even more than I thought it would.

    I kept asking him if he still liked me etc etc and he kept saying that he did but to just give it time because he still has issues going on but he still won`t tell me what they are. When I tried to kiss him, he kinda backed off and this really knocked me for six because he used to always want to before.

    He said that he was sorry for making me feel that he was repulsed by me but didn`t try to deny it either. This got me a bit paranoid and I then sent him a text to say that I just needed closure. We spoke the next day and he said that it would be best if we were just friends because I`m getting all paranoid about things. The only reason why is because of the way he has been acting!!

    Anyway, we talked a bit more and he said that he needs more time to sort things out and that in 2 weeks we would get back to the way things were. He actually said to me that he thought he was getting too close so he started backing off…..that`s not my fault, is it? What is wrong with getting close to me???

    I have taken a few weeks off work so that I can look for another job (maybe this is the push that I needed to look elsewhere because I HATE my job) and he always used to make me look forward to go into work – now it’s just heart-breaking.

    What would you suggest that I do next? I haven`t contacted him in 3 days and miss him like crazy.

    Thank you Robbie.


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