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A Shattered Relationship Best Left for Dead

29 January 2010 2 Comments

Hey Robby G.
Ok, here goes. I met my boyfriend 6 months ago at a friends house. We had
sex the first night when I took him back to my place. He was interested in
dating afterwards and a few wks later asked me out. I said yes, really liked
him. We did loads together. Everything was brill till one night we argued
after bout 4months big-style n I told him I didn’t want to be with him as he
drinks every day n I have a child and his mood swings were getting me down.
He was horrible sober and amazingly lovely drunk. I just didn’t think he was
what my son and I needed. Anyway, almost immediately I regretted what I said
and we managed to get back together. Things weren’t the same from then on.
We broke up twice afterwards-after a lot of name calling from his end.
Christmas came and we were together, we bought him presents but he got us
nothing but had the cheek to stay with us christmas eve! 3wks ago he told me
it was over between and blamed everything on me, saying i’m 2 psycho when
i’ve been drinking etc etc. Anyway, we’ve talked since-he says he’s happy
without committment or responsibility and that I can wait for him or move
on. But he’s texting all the time, sometimes getting drunk-coming to my
house and telling me that we never actually split up…he loves me, we are
together, i’m beautiful, etc etc…and cuddling up all night, even the next
day…it all seems like it’s gone back to what we were but better-laughing,
joking, flirting….When I mention going out for a meal or a drink then or
being back together-he tells me to stop nagging and that he hasn’t said any
of what he did actually say. It’s doing my head in. I love him so much, when
he comes round i’m on a high but even tho he says he’s so in love etc…he
only wants one thing from me. Help. What do I do? I just want us to get back
together and have the nice bits all the time coz I know he loved me…he did
a lot for me. I just used to get frustrated with his attitude or drinking,
get drunk and then decide to tell him. Help please!

What I’ve noticed over the years about dysfunctional relationships where there is a lot of drinking which leads to arguing which leads to a break up and then to getting back together again days after is that both the man and the woman are in love with the entire process of hyping things up and bailing out when things are looking calm and dull instead of actually being in love with each other. Though I’m not saying that this is exactly your case here, I do think that there is some enjoyment you or him are getting out of the excitement that you are creating when you guys split up, reassure yourselves that life isn’t as great being alone, and then reignite your relationship after feeling lonesome.

Nerves of Steel

I personally am a mellow guy and hate arguments, however I have a friend who had a girlfriend with who he constantly used to argue and fight with and then days later would get back together and stay happy for a few days or weeks and then they’d get miserable together again and break-up. This cycle just continued until she finally cheated on him and he manned up and left her for good. So what I mean to say with that is that different people look for different things in their relationships and have different passions. For example, one thing I know about myself is that if a girl picks fights with me too often then I’ll leave her because that characteristic in itself will be enough to make me stop liking her. However, you or let’s say my friend, finds some sort of comfort in the process of bickering. If you, however, have a problem with his drinking and attitude at times, there are different ways to handling it then just turning it into an argument. You could try to communicate to him calmly and formally that you have a problem with certain things he does, but avoid being critical and confrontational.

Weigh Your Options

You said that you have a child and are worried that your man’s drinking and mood swings may not be the best thing for that child to see and grow up around, yet you want him back. I really suggest that you weigh out the benefits you are receiving from your man and compare them to the negative impact he may be having on your child and your stress level. And if there are more positives than negatives than you should try to continue with trying to get him back. I know it’s difficult to look at the situation rationally because clearly there are emotions involved, but sometimes it is best to supress some emotions in order to see things clearly. Remember that you always have options and he is not the only man out there, but if you still are keen on getting him back then let him come to you instead of being the one to ask him back. Call me skeptical, but I honestly don’t think a relationship you have described can really be altered into a normally functional one, but that could be because neither one of you could really be able to stand a normally functional one. I’m not saying that with any negativity, but just making an observation based on what you’ve outlined above. The major concern I have is that the last time you two broke up, he blamed it all on you, which is undoubtedly a psychological attack used to make the other person feel insecure and make them begin doubting themselves, which is of course what ended up happening otherwise you would not have come to me for advice in this particular fashion. I suggest you wait it out and see where it goes from there if you still want him back. He will most likely return to you, but I really doubt that there will be a way to keep him for long before you two figure out something new to bicker about and he gets mad and leaves. Just make sure not to run after him in desperation. Keep your dignity and what’s good for your child in mind and things should work out better in the future for you.

I know that sometimes my advice aren’t all too rosy, but that’s the harsh reality and things don’t always work out as we want them to. I really wish you all the best and do hope you find yourself happiness.

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  • Steven | The Emotion Machine said:

    Good advice Robby. As a recent college graduate I ALWAYS see people my age going through this on-and-off going out cycle. To me, this is just a huge sign of bad things to come. There is no consistency, no loyalty, and no dedication. It is as if each party is only acting on the whims of their emotions, with no thought or rationale. It’s important that people recognize the dangers of getting stuck in this cycle, and moving towards a relationship that is more persistent and reliable.

    Just my two cents.
    .-= Steven | The Emotion Machine´s last blog ..How To Combat Work Overload =-.

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Steven: That’s a great point. Can’t let emotions take full control of the rational part of the relationship and act on a whim as you’ve said. It makes things more confusing and overtime things get so hazy that neither one of the people know exactly what they have and how to handle it.

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