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Actions Speak Louder than Words

22 October 2010 No Comment

So I have a question. I’ve been seeing this guy on and off for a whole year now. We are just friends with benefits. All the way back in the beginning of all this I was so confused because I knew I could definitely fall for this guy. I’ve known him ever since highschool and although we were never too friendly with each other through the years, we did become friendly through social networking. He once asked me to go over to his house. I did. Nothing happened that night. We both had a bit to drink and ended up passing out on separate couches. Once the morning came I realized he had gone into his bedroom to sleep and I had then left without warning to him. We saw each other again, (after my telling him I was interested in getting to know more about him). Before seeing each other again, he explained how he is not looking to commit to a relationship with anyone. I understood but saw him anyway and that’s of course the first night anything happened between us. A few nights later he texted asking if I’d come by. I turned him down because I was on my way to sleep. He told me I could just go sleep there, and nothing even has to happen, we could just sleep. I said no anyway… he then texted back saying “I just had…nevermind, I’m not someone to go out of your way for anyway”. I asked what he meant but he never, even to this day, told me what he was about to say. We kept seeing each other on and off. In the beginning it seemed he really liked me as more. He once texted me asking if I hate him now after not responding back too quickly to one of his texts. I explained I didn’t and that I’d just been busy. I grew feelings for him. Stupidly, I told him in not so many words but words saying that I did like him. He said he liked me only as a friend. I became a bitch. We stopped talking. Started talking again a few months later. This has been a pattern. The other night, he asked me to come by, after so many months of not speaking. I turned him down…. he kept asking, so finally I gave in. We did the deed. And then he cuddled with me in his arms and told me of how he had been at a strip club that night and kept telling the girls there with their boyfriends that they can do better and deserve better. He told me of how one of his friends girls who work there (not as a stripper) kept telling him off for lecturing them. I thought it was respectful that he thinks in that way. I didn’t say that, or much of anything. He then started patting me on the head and I asked what the hell he was doing..he said that’s his way of cuddling and that he’s not a cuddler, so I was about to get off of him and actually acted it out saying oh, I’ll move…and he pulled me back down onto him and then wrapped his arms around me. And then we fell asleep. Why do I feel he likes me as more and is just scared? Should I feel this way? He once told me of how his ex had gotten kind of physically abusive to him, he cut that story short (a while ago) and said he had to leave (while at my place). Maybe it has a lot to do with his last relationship, and how he can’t get close now?? Please, any advice is greatly appreciated.

Not to put the guy down, but it feels like he is a very sly type of person. He says and does things only when he feels there is a benefit, and he seems like he has disregard for others. Telling girls that they can do better than their boyfriends is a completely wrong thing to say to anyone and makes him sound envious rather than helpful. He shouldn’t feel like he has the right to tell these women what they should do with their relationships because clearly he’s not even much of a committer himself. He really reminds me of a certain personality trait that will say things to you just so you feel comfortable enough around him, but not always mean what he says. When I was reading what you wrote, he struck me as a very arrogant individual with some sort of insecurities. I don’t know if the insecurities are there because of his past relationships, but I think until he is able to deal with those it may be difficult or even a mistake to think that he will change his mind over night from telling you he wants you only as a friend with benefits to something more. He is the type that will tell you what you want to hear and will be very playful and flirtatious with you when he is the “chase” part of getting you, but once he knows that you are interested in him and he can basically be in control of the loose relationship that you have, then he may get bored and hurt you emotionally.

I have written on the subject of committment issues and getting the guy to chase you, but I honestly think that this guy may end up hurting you more than you think, and if you already have these fights and arguements and you’re not in a relationship, then imagine what will happen if you two are somewhat more committed to each other. I am not trying to put you down, and this is clearly only my opinion and advice on the matter, but just be cautious and do not get too involved until you’re certain about him.

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