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All in Due Time

28 August 2010 One Comment

Dear Robby

I hope you are well and remember me from my previous plee for help!

Well, after things ended with the previous guy, I went on holiday and when I
came back I met a lovely guy called Ryan on an online dating site. We had
spoken briefly in October last year, but he suddenly stopped talking to me
and I assumed he wasn’t interested. When we met up in May this year, he
explained it was because things had started up again with his ex-girlfriend
but that things were definitely over now.

The thing with this ex-gf is that they went out for 3 years and he loved her
a lot. They broke up because she’s very religious and traditional she was
afraid to tell her parents about him, because they would not approve of
him.

He told me when we first started going out in May that he only spoke to her
occasionally, to see how she was etc. Which I thought was fine because I am
friends with Ex-bfs.

We have now been together for just three months and he recently went on
holiday on the otherside of the world for 3 weeks. During this time we
texted every day and I missed him a lot. When he came back, we went on a
romantic weekend getaway. Everything was great until the second day when I
stupidly decided to read the texts on his phone. I feel so ashamed of what I
did, and I don’t know why I did it in the first place.

I found all these texts between him and his ex-gf… as recently as a few
days before our weekend break. Even after we had started our relationship he
was texting her to say he still loved her and missed her very much and
hadn’t forgotten his time with her. She is quite unresponsive in her texts,
but they have been caling each other a couple of times since him and i
started going out. In the last message, he had found out that she is now
engaged to be married to someone her parents have set her up with, and he
said it “hit him like a tonn of bricks all over again”. She said his text
made her heart flutter and that she wished him all best in the future.

My heart feels heavy and I am so sad. How could he have been with me so
openly (we have met each others friends, we go on dates, he tells me he’s so
glad to have met me) when all the while he is still in love with his ex, and
telling her so?

I really do like him, and the funny thing is I can actually feel myself
falling in love with him. However, after this episode, I don’t know whether
to let the issue go because the ex is getting married and he can’t have her, or
to bring it up with him because I couldn’t bare him just being with me
because he can’t be with her.

I hope you can help me Robby and provide me with some of your advice.

Awaiting patiently,

S****a

Hey again. First, do not bring up that you know about the messages that he sent his ex-girlfriend, because all that will do it make you look like the bad guy. Not only because you checked his text messages, but simply because he clearly still loves his ex and he will do anything to defend her. I myself had a girlfriend who I loved and then when we broke up due to certain reasons, I tried to move on by finding other girls, and when I got a new girlfriend she could tell that I wasn’t fully over my ex-girlfriend. Instead of trying to confront or question me on the subject, she did just the opposite, she tried to comfort me. I know it sounds a little awkward and maybe even selfish but it is the best way for me to get over my ex and see that I had a perfectly great girl right by my side. Starting a fight over something he has no control over, because it is clear that he isn’t cheating or at least trying to cheat on you with his ex due to simple sexual reasons, but due to emotional reasons. And when emotions are involved almost no one has real control over them as they do over rationality. So any confrotation will lead to him acting the victim and no one will come out happy.

See Things from His Perspective

Sure you must feel betrayed that he still wants his ex even though he is dating you and you have fully given yourself to him and are even starting to fall in love with him. But though you are so kind to him and he is so ungrateful in return because he doesn’t show you the same love back, you must accept the fact that his heart is currently putting his ex a notch higher than you. That’s simply the harsh reality. There is no going around it, but there is a way to make him realize that you at least have the potential to be even better than his ex. Being there for him and showing him the love that he is missing from his ex will bring you two closer. And in all honesty, it seems like you shouldn’t have anything to worry about in any case, because his ex clearly doesn’t feel the same way for him as he does for her and she is also engaged to be married. All he currently needs is time. Time to sink in the fact that he will never be with his ex again; time to realize that he is lucky to have a woman that still cares and really likes him; and time to stop trying to live the past and start focusing on a great new future. And with your help and support, rather than confrontation and arguements, he will come to realize all of those things. Though he may be a little bit more irritated in the next few weeks, know that he is really hurting on the inside but at least with time he will love you as much as he did her.

I know it’s extremely difficult to try and be so nice to a person that is in love with someone else, and it is very painful to know that someone else is on his mind sometimes, but at least you know that he has the ability to really love someone so much and he isn’t someone who is insensitive to emotional attachment. Wish you all the best and hope he realizes what he currently has sooner rather than later.

One Comment »

  • S said:

    Hi Robby

    Thank you for your reply. Your thoughts are very clear and logical.

    I’m following your advice, but am finding it very hard to not be hurt and he’s lost a lot of the trust I initially had in him. And because that trust is lost, I keep revisiting his phone to see who he is in contact with, which I know is not healthy. I want it to work out between us, but at the same time I don’t want to be made a fool of.

    S

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