Battle of Emotions
Hi! This is a messed up question derived from the weirdest relationship I’ve ever been in… not sure what to make of it. He’s younger by 7 years…he’s 33. Doesn’t want strings, doesn’t want me to get too attached. I’m fine with that. Seems extremely caring when we’re together, but always has something else to do if I text him. Says he can’t give me what I “probably” want – never said I wanted anything. He knows I’m in it for the sex – he says that’s not what it’s all about to him. Almost like he talks out of both sides of his mouth. He uses the term “making love” as opposed to what it really is – he loves the sex, always commenting on it. We have a great time when we’re out – once it’s over though, he’s different… until we meet up again. He hugs me hello… offers to carry me if I get to drunk, says things
like I’ll be your husband tonight…. I don’t get it, is he afraid or – I don’t know, what’s up? He’s like a jerk and a good guy. What does he want from me?
Elizabeth, I’ve also been in a relationship with a woman who shared the same age difference as the two of you do and I know how this boyfriend of yours must be feeling. When I was in the situation, I was going through something I’d call a battle of emotions. I really liked her and felt great with her and we both knew it was just for fun, and it was sometimes awkward when that while I knew and was happy with it just being a sexual relationship, I also at the same time sort felt like she wanted something more even though she claimed she didn’t. The age difference certainly plays into it all and made me feel like, ‘oh, at her age it’s impossible that she doesn’t want something more than that’ and that led me to at times to in fact want to deliver to her more than that, and then I’d snap back to my usual self (usually right after sex) and realize that I’m not ready for anything more than just the sex.
I know you said you never told him you want anything more than sex and he’s aware of it, but my best bet is he doesn’t fully believe that. Now to answer your question about why he might be acting like a jerk and a good guy at the same time, most predominantly a jerk after sex, and a good guy when you two are drunk, is basically because (and I know this for me) is that guys are most horny and “nice to women” when they’re drunk and are assholes right after the sex. Now, he says things like “making love” because again he honestly believes and cannot imagine it any different, that a woman at your age would want anything less than traditional love. I believe that he’s acting like he is because of the age and his own uncertainties. Even though he might not show it, the age definitely intimidates him and he questions his own emotions due to that age difference. Also, since he’s 33 already, he might be questioning his own motives for dating and this brews another storm inside of his mind. He might be thinking that it’s time for himself to take things to the next level, and though you may or may not be the right woman for him, he still questions himself whether he’s even ready to make like the rest of the men and take things further.
In this case you haven’t done anything wrong and it’s his own battle of emotions that he needs to overcome in order for the two of you to have a healthy, sexual relationship that may or may not lead to anything in the future. Now what my suggestion for you to do in order to help him overcome this battle of emotions would be to not push him to tell you he loves you or anything like that, to keep reminding him that the “fuck” (not ‘love making’) was great, and to sort of take lead in the relationship, make him realize that he’s not in control of things. This will hopefully stimulate an urge in him to want to come on top and ‘man-up’ a little and stop thinking that there’s anything more there between you than just a casual relationship of a boyfriend and girlfriend. Also, in reference to the texting, don’t mind that he claims to have things to do when you text him, because he just in fact might really have legitimate excuses, and if you let him know that you find that problematic then he might see it as a nag.
Hope that helps and please leave a comment with your thoughts.