Home » Dating

Be that “Something Extra” in His Life

1 September 2010 11 Comments

Hi Robby, I am in quite a confused state with how to handle the situation I
am in with a guy I have been seeing.
We had met months ago through a dating site and for reasons unknown to me he
just disappeared on me. I re-connected with him by email because I am the
type of girl who doesn’t like to leave things unsaid or unfinished. I put it
out there that I was willing to be friends and let bygones be bygones for
him disappearing on me. We met. And well, the friends thing didn’t
happen. It was like no time had passed. We agreed to start dating again and
this time started sleeping together. We hadn’t before because just about
when I had decided that I was ready to take it to that level he went and
disappeared on me.
Since we have started dating again we only communicate through texting and
at one point there was so much mis-communication between us that we were
spinning wheels about something – an argument of sorts. I got so fed up that
I ended up texting him that we should go for coffee or something to talk
because we were spinning wheels not solving anything through text and to let
me know when was good for him and I wasn’t going to text him until he
agreed to this. He texted back sometime later asking me why I was being so
quiet (as I had broken communication with him after the text I sent). I
re-sent the msg about meeting. Well, he put walls up and said “Forget it.
It’s not going to work” and “I keep expecting something extra from you
and I am still waiting”. He won’t explain what he means by something
extra when I ask. Maybe I am just not getting something he is trying to tell
me…but I can’t be that dense, can I?
Anyway, it has been three weeks since I have laid eyes on him…He doesn’t
seem so inclined to see me, but when I text him he responds which is
something because I half expect him to disappear on me.
I am not sure where his head is at let alone what he means by expecting
“something extra.” I am not sure if he is worth all this trouble, but I
don’t not want the opportunity to find out. Can you give me some feedback
on how to approach this and what he means by expecting “something extra”
from me? Thanks!!

Something Extra

I’m pretty sure that by “something extra” he meant a girl that is more level headed and cool about things. The problem isn’t necessarily with you not being able to ‘get’ him but in the fact that there is severe mis-communication between you two. You are trying to approach this with a little seriousness and formality which is fine, and basically trying to make things work, while he on the other hand does not seem to care too much whether it works out or not between you. “Something extra” also means that you aren’t doing anything that makes you stand out from other women. With that I mean that he is probably saying that you may be trying a little too hard. Guys often times love the chase a lot, and if the girl is the one trying to make things work more than the man then it gives him the idea that she is somewhat desperate. I am not implying that you are desperate, but the fact that you are giving him the satisfaction of being the one to initialize the texting conversation or you are the one to call him to set up a time to meet, makes him feel like you are coming on too strong.

Toss in the Bait

In my opinion, the best thing for you to do at this time is to play a one step forward, two steps back sort of game with him. It is of course upto you to decide whether or not you are wasting time on this guy, but if you want to try and lure him in and have him think that you do have that something extra, then you must entice him and take him for a little bit of a ride. Wait a few days and if you haven’t received a text, then send him a casual text asking how he’s doing. He will respond, then take upto thirty minutes to respond back to him. Try to get him to prolong the conversation and be the one to ask questions. Do not mention meeting up, just be as friendly as possible without any hint at wanting to see or date him. Also, make sure not to start any drama, and if he says something that makes you feel like an argument, laugh it off and send a wink with a cute comeback. Make sure to let him be the last one to send the text when the conversation is coming to an end. Then wait a few more days before texting him again and repeat the process. If he asks you to go out then tell him you have plans that day but maybe next time. If he’s the first to initiate the text conversation then give him short, direct answers. This way you are alowing the contact to remain, but you take two steps back by not really pushing at anything more than what seems to be a friendship. Make him confused about whether you like him as a boyfriend or just as a friend now. When you go out with him, act friendly and at the same time flirty, but try to restrain from anything sexual. Whatever you do try to restrain from any form of argument and take it real easy. Men love women who seem muh more level headed and content than them. I think that my post on the 10 things I look for in a girlfriend may help you out as well to see what a lot of men like in their woman.

11 Comments »

  • Jennifer said:

    Hey Robby. Thanks for the advice!
    Just to clarify something…Initially, just like before he would always be the one to initiate the texting just to say “Hey, Hope you had a good day!” or be the one to say “Hey, want to do something tonight” not me. And, yes I would not respond automatically to his texts. I have two jobs so they keep me pretty busy and I have a lot of people in my life who come before someone I am dating. Don’t get me wrong I make time for a dating life, but I didn’t make myself totally available to him (either times). We both are pretty busy with work and were both in agreement that we could put up with each others work schedules. So, we actually wouldn’t see each other a lot because of that and if we did it wouldn’t be until late in the evening – after 9pm. (Often he would text me right on the dot every night at 8:30pm most nights even to say hey). And, our “dates” would consist of just hanging at his place watching a movie or just spending time together. So, when we started dating again we had not had an official date. This is what concerned me. Not what the argument was about though.

    The thing is that while we started to sleep together shortly after we began dating again, there were performance issues on his side a couple of times. He has high blood pressure issues, etc. The first time it happened, the next day I told him that I wasn’t sorry about what happened and that it wasn’t anyone’s fault…and that we would fight it with naughtiness. Well, that got a mega negative reaction despite the fact that what I said was approved by my brother-in-law. And, I apologized saying that I was sorry he took offense to what I said and re-iterated that it wasn’t anyone fault. So, he obviously has really thick walls up about it from past experience/relationships.

    And lets fast forward…Within the last couple of weeks I have left him to stew and have had minimal communication with him. Out of the blue at 9 o’clock at night this past Friday he calls me. No texting. I was quite surprised to hear from him after all this time. I happened to be out of town at the time and that threw him through a loop such that he seemed rattled by this like I wasn’t supposed to be out of town and he was interrupting me by calling. It being the long Labour Day weekend I decided to go out of town. I am not sure if I offered this info up or he asked, but I said that I would be returning to town the next day (Sat) and he proceeded to ask me if I was working the weekend. I said no I was off the whole weekend and that I had persuaded someone to work for me (as I was supposed to work that Sat). I made a crack about my persuasive powers which in turn gleamed a comment that I am a very persuasive person. The conversation ended with him saying that he would give me a call Sun afternoon for us to get together to watch a movie or something. I played it cool and said “Yeah, I’ll be around” Well, he didn’t call Sunday when he said he would.
    So, I am leaving the ball in his court so to speak. Maybe that is the wrong decision? But, when in the back of my mind I want him to prove to me that he wasn’t just looking for a booty call or something that night I think if he really wants to see me then he should be the one to come after me and want to make plans with me. In the same vein I want to text him to say that I was sorry that I couldn’t talk to him much that night so that he doesn’t think that he was interrupting me by calling that night. I wouldn’t have picked up the phone call if I didn’t want to speak to him.
    so that is where it stands in flux.

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Jennifer: I think you’re doing the right thing about allowing him to call you rather than you calling him first. He said he’d call you Sunday which he never did, so it is possible that he was looking only for a booty call. Give it time and see if he will initiate the communication. You texted him saying “sorry” that you’re only texting days later which shows him that you care enough to awknowledge the fact that you didn’t respond to his text the same day you got it. I think he is being a little selfish and if he wants to take this relationship more serious then he should begin to act like he cares more.

    Reply to Comment

  • Jennifer said:

    Hey Robby! Sorry just realized I forgot to say something else..I know the msg is long enough. SORRY. But, after the argument of sorts since I had essentially been on an emotional roller coaster when he texted me a couple of days later to say “what are you doing” and “where are you” I didn’t respond…At that point I had thrown the towel in. It wasn’t until days later that I sent a text saying ‘sorry only now texting you back. What’s up?” and it was only after the argument that I was the one initiating the conversation through texting which he would respond to.

    Reply to Comment

  • Jennifer said:

    Hey Robby…Thanks. Your advice makes a lot of sense (and then you agreed with me so I am inclined to say that). I haven’t texted him or tried to call him and then he hasn’t done the same.

    What would you say is a adequate time line for him to call – a week, two weeks? I know every guy has a different time line for smartening up and figuring out what they want. But, it shouldn’t be that hard. The beginning of a relationship – dating or otherwise – shouldn’t be this hard, right? The question is what will tip the scale for him? and if he does call what then? I have no idea what to say to him to get through to him.

    Given an adequate time frame, I should cut my loses and not bother to even send him a text or communicate with him – even if I want to stay on his radar. Pointless right? I am probably stating the obvious here because if he isn’t making the effort, then he isn’t worth my time, attention, or effort.

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Jennifer: Hey Jen. Of course you can drop him and move on, but at the same time ask yourself this: is it possible that the distance you are keeping makes him think that you are showing him you are completely not interested in him? and that is why he has moved on or stopped texting. You have taken two steps back and it was quite abrupt for him, so now try to take another step forward and lure him more. Message him again and see what he says. Use it as a final test. If he answers and talks with some excitement and acts glad to hear from you then it’s obviously a good sign, if he doesn’t answer or seems annoyed that you are messaging him, then move on.
    The thing about giving him a time frame not being the best idea here is because men tend to cool off during a long enough time apart from communicatng with the woman. A week is even enough for him to move on if he wasn’t too hooked on you. And if he was really hooked then he wouldn’t wait a week before messaging you.

    Reply to Comment

  • Jennifer said:

    Hey Robby, I texted him and he did text me back, pretty quickly actually. Was excited to hear from me…used lots of exclamation points in his texts. There was a bit of joking around which is pretty standard for us. Keep the conversation somewhat short and left him the last one to respond. So what now??

    Guess I am not ready to give up on him just yet! Given that he texted me back, he should text me back soon right since it seems he is still hooked on/interested in me? My aim is to get him to ask me out again. So, how do I make that happen? I don’t want to push my luck and keep texting him, because then it will come off like I am bugging him. And, that isn’t cool.

    Thanks 🙂

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Jennifer: Great job! It seems like you’ve recaptured the upper hand here and you can either wait a few days and see if he messages you and invites you somewhere or he completely dissapears. Again, if in a few days you don’t hear anything, then message him. With some time, you’ll see, things will fall into place. Cheers!

    Reply to Comment

  • Jennifer said:

    Hey Robby, So it has been a rocky the last few months – at least from where I’ve stood (despite our best efforts we hardly see each other, and when we do it’s been getting together at his place watching tv and me spending the night – no actual date which I pointed out a while ago to which I got silence = guilt) I am at loose ends as to what to do now. Things were good, not great before Christmas…It seemed like he was coming around was starting to open up more with me…to start to make me part of his life. Anyway, here’s the situation as it stands now…before Christmas we got in a fight and I didn’t hear from him until well after New Year’s. Again, things were great between us as we started to spend time together again and seemed like he was over the fight…it was hard with our schedules to find time for each other but we managed. Things were so different. When we would lie in bed there was a lot a lot more pillow talk. It seemed like he was finally opening up to me about a lot of things. He actually told me something very significant about his work/life…not that I didn’t know it already but just not the extent. Then he left for Florida for two weeks – told me he was leaving at the end of the month for two weeks, no other details than that which I thought was weird. We saw each other two days before he left. I didn’t know exactly when he was getting back because he didn’t tell me. He got back and didn’t tell me he was back. I sent a rather nasty text alluding to the fact that I deserved better than his hot and cold attitude (which has been the case) and that it was my impression that he wanted to be elsewhere. There’s more to that but I won’t explain. Of course, he didn’t respond to it so I followed up a few days later to say that any form of response, even to tell me I was full of shit would be great. He texted back pretty quickly that I was full of shit and proceeded to joke around about it. Well, the conversation didn’t end great of course – both of us ending up mad at each other. So, the end result is I texted him a few days after to say when he was ready there were some things that we needed to discuss between us and asked him if he was willing to hear what I had to say. My intent was to tell him that I appreciated him being so open with me about the work/life stuff and some other things. His response, a very quick no. I couldn’t believe it. I was stunned because he’s been open to talking this out before. So I asked him if it was because of what I had said before. His answer: No, just leave me alone. Of course being a girl I tried to get him to tell me why but his last words to me were, “Did you hear me?, leave me alone” The amount of anger in that was unbelievable to me. The thing is that he always seems to come around after we fight. It takes him a while but this happened three weeks ago. I honestly don’t know why he reacted the way he did. So, my question is from a guys perspective…saying leave me alone, does that mean the same thing as saying “We’re done” Should I indeed leave him alone and/or will I only make things worse to try to get him to talk to me by texting him now. He’s said a lot of things in anger before. Am I stupid to believe that his saying to leave him alone is just him saying he needs space to figure things out about us? I really want to believe that is the reason and that the reason he reacted with so much hurt and anger is because he really does care about me and is just mad at me for some reason and if I text him now he’ll want to talk. Over the last 8 months he’s become so important to me. I thought he felt the same way. I feel like I should at least see if I can get him to talk to me – even if things are done between us to end things on good terms even with as much time that has passed. Any thoughts and advice would help even if to give me a reality check that there isn’t any hope that he’ll come around?

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Jennifer: I think you should just leave him alone and try to occupy your time with something else. And if he comes around, then be it. If he doesn’t then try to move on. The fact that you’re messaging him after you two had these serious fights should give him enough to realize that you care a lot about him. But he’s being pretty upfront about wanting his space. Moving on would work best probably, unless he’s the type of guy who really love drama and it’s part of his mood swings that he says things which he doesn’t really mean.

    Reply to Comment

    Jennifer Reply:

    Hey Robby,

    I am perfectly happy to give him his space..but seems to me that four weeks of space is too long. The reality is that if he did really cared about me (not that he has ever verbalized it to me) it shouldn’t take him that long to come around. That’s how long it took this time, four weeks. And, I wouldn’t have a problem but when he does come around again he acts like nothing happened…

    I didn’t pick up this time like I have in the past – didn’t wanna deal with his bullshit really. Texted him back just to say “how’s it going” He of course waited and texted back about a week later saying “Hey what are you at?” and when I didn’t respond about half an hour later was like “you around babe?”

    Boggles my mind that he can think that he is allowed after his behaviour to be like that and especially think he can toss around the “pet name” with me. I don’t consider us to be dating anymore – he decided that when he told me so harshly to leave him alone.

    The good thing is that I have a lot going on in my life so it isn’t like my life revolves around this guy. I do still care about him but there are other reasons I am inclined to not trust him along with the wicked mood swings.

    He is I think the type of guy who does say things he doesn’t really mean…but he is also the kind of guy who doesn’t readily or willingly says he is sorry or explain his behaviour.

    If he was willing to do this then maybe I would consider giving him a chance but I’ve been way too patient and given way too many chances for him to get his shit together….so I guess it is my next move to contact him if I want to….it’s been almost three weeks since he last texted me.

    Reply to Comment

    Jennifer Reply:

    Hi Robby, Once again I am at a crossroads as to what to do. It’s the end of June and I haven’t heard anything from him since the end of April despite me texting him back a couple of weeks later saying “I dunno not if you keep calling me babe. I’m not a pig!” trying to be funny. I figured that would get some kind of reaction but it hasn’t so I followed it up later with “So I am guessing you didn’t like my last message. Still don’t get my sense of humour hey.” I know I shouldn’t be texting him so much. I am told by a good male friend that he is certain this guy will get in contact with me when he thinks about it, but I couldn’t wait for that (for the other shoe to drop like before) so I recently sent another text a couple of days ago since it has been so long saying “have we really gone past the point that we can’t even be friends?” I wanted to add more than that saying that we’ve both said and done some hurtful things to each other and things perceived the wrong way. I cared about you and in some small way I still do. Whether that matters to you or not, you should say so” I am fighting the urge to follow up my last text with this.
    I would be doing more harm than good by sending this message?

    I was doing perfectly fine with leaving him alone the last time when he said so and I shouldn’t be so concerned that he is ignoring me now and giving me the silent treatment and move on, but I am having more trouble letting go than I anticipated. I kind of expected some kind of reaction like the last time saying to leave him alone – but I guess him ignoring me says the same thing? Why is it guys don’t realize that not verbally ending things is better than not saying anything at all? Why do they find it so difficult to not say anything? Why be such a coward? Once when we were together he asked me “What would you do if I told you I didn’t want to see you anymore” his response when I told him my answer was “good because I’ve dealt with enough crazy girls.” I still got freaked out by that like I should brace myself for what was to come; that he would be ending things but he didn’t. I would think that by him saying this that he is aware that something should be said now. By not saying anything, is it his intention to continue to leave the door open? I can’t believe that by me trying to contact him still he doesn’t realize that I haven’t completely shut the door on him, just have had mixed feelings about it all.

    If you could give me some insight as to what is probably going on with him that would be great!

    Reply to Comment


Leave your Thoughts!