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Be There for Him

7 October 2010 6 Comments

Hi Robby, I would appreciate your advice on a dilemma i am experiencing. I
met my fuck buddy online almost 3 years ago in November 2007. Ever since
that time we have hardly gone long periods without seeing each other. The
longest we’ve spent apart is 6 weeks. At the time of meeting him, he had a
girlfriend and i lived in a different city 125 miles away. I never had
romantic feelings for him back then and i was not interested in a
long-distance relationship. I was able to separate sex (which was
fanstastic) from love. After about 3 months into our affair, his
relationship with his girlfriend ended and i continued to see him before he
got himself another girlfriend around 18 months later. I was devastated and
hurt as by that time i was emotionally attached to him. But because of my
feelings for him i continued to still see him rather than break up (big
mistake). Although i was technically “the other woman” i did not see myself
as such because i was there first! Anyway, his relationship with her only
lasted 6 months and it ended really badly. Again i was there, right
throughout and I continued to see him up to 8 months after his split from
her. But when he did not make me his girlfriend after his split from her, I
got angry and decided to put my foot down and end the relationship once and
for all. That was last month. I texted him saying he should not contact me
again as i am looking for a relationship and don’t want to waste my time on
him anymore, seeing as he is not interested in being with me properly after
all these years. He never responded to my text (which was rather strange as
he normally does respond whenever i attempt to break things off with him).
Then last week, i heard from his neighbour that he is now in prison (on
remand)! So this explains why he has not contacted me all this time! I
called his number and found it was continually switched off. I felt terrible
upon hearing the news and i immediately booked a prison visit, which is due
next week. But I haven’t figured out what i want to say to him, or whether
visiting him is even appropriate seeing as I broke it off with him in my
very last text message. I want to give him some emotional support in this
difficult time. I know him very well. Although we were never a couple, he
told me all about his life over the years and I know all his deepest
insecurities. Even his official girlfriends never knew as much about him as
i do. I know he must be missing me right now. But I want to know whether our
absence from each other and his time in prison has inspired in him a
different attitude towards me. Now that he is vulnerable in prison, has his
feelings for me intensified? Is it possible that he may have come to a
realisation that i am special to him and he does not want to lose me? Whilst
i am sure he’d be very happy to see me, is it possible that he’d be more
willing to commit to me now? On my visit, should i just concentrate on doing
my duty as a concerned friend (even though in fact i am in love with him)
and not bring up the commitment/”how do you feel about me” issue at all? or
should i explore whether he is now ready and willing to commit to me? Is
having the talk whilst he’s in prison a matter of “bad timing”? My instincts
is telling me I should just keep it light, support him emotionally and not
bring up any commitment issue until when he leaves prison. Then when he
leaves, just continue being his platonic friend UNTIL HE TRIES TO SLEEP WITH
ME. At which point I will then tell him that I am not not prepared to sleep
with him in the absence of a proper relationship. What do you think, Robby?

I think that you have to be extremely supportive of him now. He is not in any relationship right now and you are the closest thing to him in that sense. Though you were only a fuck buddy of his, you did over time learn a lot about him and he about you, and like you said, even moreso than his official girlfriends, because of the duration of your “relationship”. I would say that you should not bring up any issues of making things official or breaking it off with him, because theyn he will think that you are a really horrible person who kicks someone when they are down. He needs emotional support, and if he sees that you continualy come to see him and act like a true friend, he will realize that you are more than just a fuck buddy for him. And trust me, in prison you get a lot of time to analyze your life and the people that you thought were closest to you. Of course, it also matters on how much time he will be in there, but as long as you show an effort to help him through these hard times, he will not take it lightly. He will really appreciate your company and when he comes out you can continue being his friend, but I am almost certain he will want you more than just a friend or a fuck buddy as you were previously.

So even though I know it is horrible that he is locked up right now, it sort of gives you the opportunity to show him how you really feel towards him. Instead of just telling him that you want to be with him, you are prepared to show him that at his most vulnerable time you are there caring for him. Also, when you talk to him, try to remind him of the good times and all great times you will have again when he gets released. Try not to aggravate him, because it is difficult enough doing time without having to stress about things on the outside that he cannot really change. Make sure he keeps a positive outlook and you can even be nice enough to ask him if he needs anything in there that you can bring to him from the grocery story or whatnot.

Also, do not bring up the topi of “how do you feel about me” because this is an opportunity for you to mold the way he sees you into how you want him to feel about you. By coming in often and being kind and caring to him, he will most likely change how he feels about you to the posisitve and when he will be released, he will want to be more intimate with you, because of the good friend you were while he was away and because of the long history you have shared together.

6 Comments »

  • Dionne said:

    UPDATE FROM ORIGINAL POST!!

    Hello Robby G,
    I am very sorry but all your good advice came in too late for me. I got your response today but i already visited him on 4th october and it did not go very well at all!! The visit lasted all of 30 minutes (it was supposed to last 2 hours). Why is this, i hear you ask? Well Robby, everything was going fine until i asked him who has come to visit him in prison so far? He replied “My dad, my uncle and my GIRLFRIEND”!! When i heard the word “girlfriend”, i completely lost it! HE NEVER TOLD ME HAD A GIRLFRIEND! When i asked him who she is he refused to tell me any details. I asked him when he and her got together as a couple (he went into prison in mid-august)?
    He replied “early august”. Well, around that time, he was sleeping with ME. And around late July, he had told me that he was not ready for commitment yet.

    So basically, i conclude that this man has made a total fool out of me and he basically cheated on his so called girlfriend unbeknown to either me or her. What a tool! I told him that he has hurt my feelings. He responded by telling me that it’s not his fault i tried to “change the rules”, and got emotionally attached to him, wanting a relationship. He then said he has learned his lesson and he will never have a FWB again as it is a headache. He then accused me of trying to spark up a romance with him whilst he is in prison. He kept asking me what i expected from him right now? I told him that i did not expect to spark uo a romance, but i certainly did not expect him to suddenly announce to me that he now has a girlfriend!!

    I then went quiet and told him i want to leave now. He firstly resisted by attempts to leave, saying its too quick as he does not want to go back into his prison cell just yet. He wanted us to change the subject and talk about something else. So i sat back down again in silence. When he realised he could not get any more friendly conversation out of me, he told me to leave. So i did. He attempted to give me a goodbye hug. As he hugged me, i just stood there, stiff as a board, with my hands by my side. Then walked away out of the prison.

    The very next day, i sent him a very angry letter, telling him that he is a user and has hurt my feelings, as when it comes to me, he always says he is not ready to commit or be in a relaitonzhip, biut when it comes to other women he is always ready, just like magic!! I called him a selfish, damaged, broken man and told him that he is not capable of being in a relationhip with anyone anyway so his girlfriend is welcome to him and i had a lucky escape by not being with him. I also told him that from now on, i want nothing more to do with him as has used me for 3 whole years and whilst i cared about him for that time, he never reciprocated and just took from me, never giving back. I said i should have walked away from him years ago instead of sticking around, allowing him to use and make a fool out of me.

    I ended the letter by telling him that he needs to spend his time in prison, doing some self-reflection and decide to change his selfish ways and become a better person in life as he has hurt so many people (esp women). I then wished him goodbye and good luck.

    I reckon by the time he reads my letter, he probably would not want anything to do with me now. I guess we are totally done for good now and there is no come-back from this. To be honest, a part of me really does not want him back anyway. I am really hurting from this. I am also well confused about hin because a well-reputed, highly popular Psychic has told me that we will end up together and married in the end!

    Also i seem to be consumed by thoughts of who this girfriend cojld possibly be? I keep wondering whether this girl has known him for long, because if she hasn;t why on eartg woud she want to stick by hin now that he is prison?? I cannot help but think that this girl must bhave a deep and longlasting connection with him in order to be willing to wait for him! another part of me wonders whether he is lying about having a girlfriend and he just told me this to hurt me and seek revenge for dumping him (an ignoring his text message pleas) shortly before he got arrested and put in jail.

    What do you think Robby G?

    Reply to Comment

  • Kay said:

    Girl, I don’t know your name but I applaud you for walking away from this guy! You’ve walked away, now stay away. He’s no good for you. Look at how much he’s already hurt you and used you. Don’t waste any more of your time on him, you’ve already given him far too much. That being said, stop thinking about his girlfriend, it’s more energy you’re wasting on him that you don’t need to waste! You say you’re done with him, now follow through with that by completely moving on. That means don’t think about him, don’t think about anything associated with him. i.e. his girlfriend. I know it’s hard given your feelings and your history. But it’s what you NEED to do. All this guy has done for the past 3 years is jerk you around and lie to you. Whether you’re there for him or not through this whole prison process won’t change anything. He’s had 3 years to think about you and his relationship with you and if he wanted you as more than a fuck buddy, he would’ve realized it by now, not 2 or 3 or countless girlfriends later. The time he has in prison to contemplate his life won’t change that, trust me. Stop giving yourself false hope with these psychics and all that. Just move on once and for all and wait for a guy to come along that wants all of you and not just your vagina!

    Hope this helps.

    Reply to Comment

  • Dionne said:

    Kay, thanks a lot for your reply. I must say i agree with everything you have said. I am really hurting and i wished i never went to see him in prison. But in the other hand, my visit was just the thing i needed in order to face up to reality of this jerk. Unfortunately, I now have to come to terms with the very bright coloured writing on the wall: this man used me and disrespected me for 3 straight years and, worst of all, i allowed it all to happen. I gave and i gave and i gave and he took and took and took.

    Robby G, if you are reading this, i have to say that i refuse to take on board your advice and suggestion as i believe it would be detrimental to my self esteem to continue wuth this man. I do recognise that your advice to me was based on an assunmption that he was single! But given the fact that we now know he actually has a girlfriend, does your advice to me change?

    Robby G, you said this in your reply: “I would say that you should not bring up any issues of making things official or breaking it off with him, because then he will think that you are a really horrible person who kicks someone when they are down. He needs emotional support, and if he sees that you continualy come to see him and act like a true friend, he will realize that you are more than just a fuck buddy for him.”

    Well, after the bombshell he gave me, I don’t really care about what he thinks of me anymore. Its no longer my concern. I have been emotionally supporting this dude for years. And i was always just a fuck buddy to him. Robby G, this is the SECOND time he has made someone else his girlfriend whilst he has been seeing me over 3 years. So i don’t care if he nows sees me as a horible person. More important i what i think of him, and he is a selfish, arrogant, self-absorbed, narcissistic, using piece of sh*t who took advantage of my feelings for him and lied to me.

    Kay is right: this man had 3 years to make me his girlfriend and he didn’t. Why continue make a fool of myself by “being there for him”??
    I have “been there” for him for 3 years! I was always kind and considerate to him, always thinking about and meeting his needs. BEING LIKE THIS DID NOT WORK when he was out of prison, and I cannot see BEING LIKE THIS is going to work now that he is in prison. I have given him emotional support and financial support int he past. None of this was appreciated, so needless to say, no Robby, i will be offering to go to the Grocery store for him! LOL.

    Robby G, please answer me this: why would a man (who knows full well i wanted a proper relationship from him)continue to tell me that the reason he cannot give me this is because he is “not ready for commitment” but then every so often, he will decide commit to another woman, whilst still seeing me, and expect me not to be hurt by this behaviour? Does this man sound like a prize to you? Does he sound like someone who cares about me and has my best interests at heart?

    I have come to the conclusion that this man is not capable of being in a relationship with ANY woman, whether she has the title of “girlfriend” or not! Many of his exes HATE him for the way he has hurt them so this new girl WILL get hurt at some point. His poor relationship history is a neon red flag which i chose to ignore. Why on earth did i think i was going to be made the exception to his pattern? More fool me!!

    I refuse to continue being his fool. That visit to him was the last straw. He can rot in that stinking prison cell for all i care (By the way, he is in there for attempted arson with attempt to endanger life so you tell me if this is someone who is boyfriend material????). He is therefore likely to go to prison for quite some time. So tell me something Robby G? which mentally healthy woman would want to be with him and be willing to wait for a man like that???? The only woman prepared to do such a thing is someone who has her own issues and has low self esteem.

    So she is welcome to him. Kay is right. What I need to do now is cut him loose and forgive myself for giving my heart to someone who never deserved me. I am so glad i wrote him that letter. It gave me the chance to finally stick up for myself, get things off my chest and FINALLY tell him what a jerk he is.

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Dionne: Now that I know this detail about him actually having a girlfriend when you went to visit him, then clearly he’s using you and just keeping you around as a tag-along. You need to quit this relationship and cut him off or else you may regret it in the future that you’re not his primary choice. Sorry to say that, but it’s better to be harsh and honest rather than lie and say things will turn out how you want them. And especially if he’s going to prison for a long time, why wait for someone who didn’t show you the right respect when he was out. Find someone who cares for you the way you want him to and have yourself a healthy relationship. Best of luck.

    Reply to Comment

    Dionne Reply:

    Hi Robby G,

    Yes i agree with everything you have said.

    By the way, i have since found out that this girlfirend is currently 6 MONTHS PREGNANT!!! So basically he was cheating on her with me (and probably several other women on the side too) and I never knew anything about this.

    Since i have received this information, I feel utterly dejected and like I am going to fall into a deep depression.

    How on earth did all this happen to me???

    Reply to Comment

    Kay Reply:

    It’s okay. You just liked the guy, nothing wrong with that. Just be more aware next time to make sure the next guy isn’t using you. It doesn’t hurt to ask guys what they want from you. Once you’ve found the right one, you won’t have to question anything b/c he’ll tell you every day how much he appreciates you. At least that’s what they tell me. And don’t fall into a depression–at least YOU’RE not the one that’s pregnant with that man’s kid!!! Good luck and it gets better. 🙂

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