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Beyond Attraction: Why Sometimes it Just Doesn’t Work Out

8 December 2011 4 Comments

Hello Robby,

My name is Laura and I have a question for you.
I’ve learnt a lot through your posts, they were very enlightening, but there are
a couple of things I would like to understand, and I think you’re the expert
that can help me!

I know details can be important so I’ll try my best to be clear but concise!

I met a guy three weeks ago, outside a club. He was with a bunch of his friends,
all new on the island but they spoke our language. My friends and I partied with
them all night. We had a great time but I refused to sleep with one of the guys,
James, because I was into his friend Will.

I actually ended up with Will, and we had an amazing time together. He said he
would call me, and I was really convinced that he would not.
But he did!
Well, I was already out in the same club when I got his text, but that was all
for the best.
We ended up together again and that night was mind-blowing!
That was one week after we had first met.

He works interstate during the week, so I waited another week and I only texted
him on Friday night when I was out.
He did not reply. I did not insist, but the day after I sent another text about
the tattoo he was supposed to get. No reply at all.

I do not understand why he has stopped contacting me. I kept things fun and
“light”, there was no pressure on him whatsoever and I never ever
mentioned having feelings. His friend was not even angry at him for sleeping
with me, and his mates liked me, the second time when he took my hand in the
club, his friend yelled: ho come on, give your girlfriend a kiss!

I would really appreciate if you could try giving me a hint about this situation

Thanks in advance!

There are a variety of reasons why he could be avoiding you, though I doubt your actions are the reasons for them. For instance, it could just be that he has a girlfriend, or his ex came back into his life. If his friends were cool with you and he was acting like everything alright, there isn’t really a lot that I can think of that would put you at blame for making him not want to speak to you again. There are always changes in situations, nonetheless, and you may want to think about things that he may have heard or found out that would make him change his mind about you. For instance, if he discovered certain facts about you or even if he just heard things about you, whether true or not, could have altered his decision to take things further with you.

There are literally hundreds of reasons that could have arisen which would make him not be able to reply to you, even the fact that he works interstate and he is out of town. Also, when he messaged you after your initial hook-up, it was one week since you met and not sooner, so it could also be that he thinks of you as someone that is just there for the occasional hook-up rather than anything serious. His friend calling you Will’s “girlfriend” could have just been as a joke and maybe even an inside joke that they shared, and could have been something sarcastic. I don’t really want you to worry about things, but there are just a lot of different things I may say here but they would all be speculations, because in all honesty there isn’t anything that any of us could know based on his or your actions or the exchange in your conversations that would be accurate.

Action Plan

Notice that he didn’t text or call you often, and as you’ve said that you were surprised that he called when you didn’t think he would means that you both did not take things too seriously. In your current situation, it is probably best to send another text and see how he responds or if he even does respond. You don’t want to give the impression that you’re desperate, but at the same time you want to show that you are still interested. If he doesn’t respond after that text then start looking for someone else, if he does reply then see how he interacts and try to be as perceptive as possible to tell if he is just interested in hooking-up or if he wants to date. If you’re cool with just hooking-up then be frank with him and say that you’re okay with just being friends with benefits when there is an opportunity to reveal that. If you are interested in something more, than take things a little slow and try to get to know him better. But I don’t want you to think that it’s your fault for him not calling you. I think that showing him the fun, light side of you is important in the beginning so there isn’t much pressure in the beginning, and over time if things go well then begin to open up more and reveal yourself gradually.

4 Comments »

  • Laura said:

    Thanks for such a detailed answer ! I really appreciate how you contemplated every perspective.

    His friends contacted me again this week-end, they wanted to know if I was keen on joining them with my friends in a club.
    I texted Will and told him that, he replied (which then made me sure he had received my previous messages and clearly decided not to answer them) : “No I’m not joining them tonight, I had a very tiring week and I need some rest. Enjoy the party, xx.”
    I did end up seeing his friends in the end, but they have already contacted me to see each other next week.

    What do you think of Will’s text ?
    I am kind of lost now, I want nothing but a friend with benefits at this time of my life, but I just don’t know how to express it without making it awkward.

    Thanks again for your reply Robby !

  • Robby G (author) said:

    @Laura: That’s a sort of text that I would also send someone who I want to keep on a string but at the same time don’t want them to think too much into. I think that if you don’t pressure him and just continue on doing what you are.. going out, not minding to hang out with his friends, he will eventually come around and when you two are tipsy things will get heated again. That’s when you should tell him that you’re not looking for anything serious and don’t mind just being friends with benefits.
    Right now he may be sort of worried that you want something serious, so make sure he knows that you’re just into a good time rather than getting attached.

  • Laura said:

    That’s EXACTLY what I did last Saturday when we finally met again 🙂
    Are you hiding the fact that you’re some kind of psychic ?

  • Robby G (author) said:

    @Laura: Haha no voodoo or psychics on this end. 🙂


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