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Can Friends be Fuck-Buddies?

14 September 2009 5 Comments

Do you think it’s possible for two friends to decide to be fuck buddies and
maintain the friendship even when the mutual using is over?
I just had a very rational, open, and honest conversation with a friend
about it last night, but I don’t want to lose the friend after our physical
relationship ends–either when one of us finds something else or in about 6
months when I move 500 miles away.
What’s your take?

You can give it a go and see how it goes, because it would be an interesting experiment, but… There’s always a but. But, I personally believe it cannot be worked out. Personally, I don’t believe that a male and female can be true friends without one wanting to sleep or begin liking the other more than just friends. I just don’t believe true friendship between man and woman without the sexual aspect can be accomplished. So to answer your question, I really don’t believe two “friends” (a guy and girl) can become fuck-buddies and then simply go back to friendship. Even the utter thought of wanting to become fuck-buddies with a friend already tilts the friendship to something more. A friendship between a man and woman always leads to someone wanting to get into a relationship or to just sleep with the other friend. I don’t mean that men and women can never be friends, I only mean that I don’t believe it’s a genuine friendship. When you see a male and female being friends, one of the two is suppressing their desires to want to sleep with the other friend, and that leads to some form of a “normal” friendship, but initially the thoughts of sex were there when the two meet.

Now let’s say a male and female were able to suppress their initial impulses to have sex with each other and have actually become friends. If they ever discuss turning into fuck-buddies, those initial impulses are being allowed to come afloat and are no longer being suppressed. This means that the initial liking that was inspired when they first met is reignited and even though they don’t want to acknowledge it, when they actually take part in having sex, one of the partners (if not both) will formulate some sort of emotional bond or liking to the other partner. They may not admit it, but sex really will kill the friendship. It may create a healthy girlfriend/boyfriend relationship if both have the same liking to each other, because they already tested each other as “friends” and that they can tolerate each other on a daily basis, but it will never allow them to return to what it was like before the idea of sex was introduced by one friend to the other.

I hope this makes sense and doesn’t sound too psychologically-analytical. Basically, what I’m getting at is that if so-called friends are even able to discuss becoming sexually active together then there is already an impossibility of a true mutual friendship that can take place without one of the friends desiring something that is more than just friendship.

I only get into fuck-buddy relationships with women that I know I will not deal with in any type of way whatsoever once the mutual using is abolished. Sex really complicates things and the two people end up changing their perception of each other during the whole process. So even though I said in the beginning that it would be an interesting experiment, I really don’t advise that you try it out, because I really believe it will kill the friendship. And you should also really analyze the notion of why you may even want to become fuck-buddies with your friend. Is there some emotional aspect to it that you have been suppressing over the months or years that you’ve known each other? Or if not you, then maybe he’s the one with the suppressed emotional desire to want you more than just as a friend. As a final thought, there are a lot of guys out there that are suitable fuck-buddies or boyfriends, so why would you want to even risk the friendship to begin with? If you simply believe that he’d be a good fuck-buddy because you feel comfortable with him, then maybe he’d also make a good boyfriend.


  • The Questioner said:

    Thanks, Robby, I needed that reality check.

    Our reasoning–well, mine anyway, I don’t know his–was that neither of us wants to be in a relationship (with each other or anyone else), but we’re both feeling sexually frustrated. The idea of a friend as a fuck-buddy feels safer because you KNOW the person and his/her history…but you’re right: in the end, it will totally tank the friendship.

    The only thing I don’t agree with you about is the idea that whenever a man and a woman become friends, one of them is “suppressing” the desire to sleep with the other. I have had plenty of male friends who I never had any desire to see naked, and I find it hard to believe that they are only friends with me because at some point they wanted us to get horizontal.

    Anyway, thanks again for responding so quickly and for being mostly spot-on with your answer!

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @The Questioner: My pleasure, and I’m glad you’re not going to make the mistake because it could in fact ruin a good friendship.
    About the “suppression” theory I honestly do believe that the idea of sex always at least crosses the mind of the friends before they suppress it and become friends. That’d make an interesting poll question: Do you believe “sex” crosses the mind of two people that meet before becoming friends? I personally do.

    Reply to Comment

  • Julie said:

    Great answer I have to say… a good reality check as Robby G. said. I am involved aswell in a “fuck it we’re only friends” relationship, and even though I was the one saying that at the beggining, it just get more complicated to understand and harder to bear as time goes by haha…

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Julie: I’m always happy to give people reality checks. I find it that when someone is having some relationship issues it’s not always best to go to friends because they’re completely biased. So if anyone ever has any questions or in need of specific advice, it’s always best to hear the opinion of an outsider. I’m happy you liked the post and an honest opinion can sometimes really get you to see things from another perspective.

    Reply to Comment

  • juned said:

    julie i fuck u please meet me.

    Reply to Comment

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