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Can I Trust Him After What He’s Done?

7 November 2011 No Comment

hi Rob,
I’ve never gone on an online site to seek relationship advice but i’ve got
no one atm thats willing to give a straight answer or should i say they
couldn’t really give a f*#k coz its all about them. Myself and my man have
been together for nearly 2 years, 10 years previous to us hooking up now he
was interested so was i but i chose to walk away. As we were laying in bed
just talking we both started falling asleep, he rolled over and cuddled up
to me and whoa!!! this feeling went through my entire body and i jumped up
and made up some excuse n left the room. That feeling scared me coz is was
so strong i knew then it was also a feeling that could completely break me.
He says that he felt the same and he wishes that i told him then what i
felt. We are together now, well sort of, he’s trying to convince me that i’m
his world and if i’m not in his life then theres no point. But the facts are
that he was cheating on me not just with 1 but 6 girls!! (that he’s admitted
to, i feel there is more as i pegged him on all 6 with no proof) He is now
in jail, and i still stand by him as we were trying work through it all but
i honestly don’t think that i can get over it, coz he plays too many games. I
will be honest and admit that drugs were involved, and i think that’s the
main reason i’ve hung in there coz i know he’s a completely different man
off the crap. My love for him is unconditional obviously but does that mean
that i can one day fully trust him? Or is there that much water under the
bridge that it’s flooded and destroyed everything in sight?

“Trust is earned not given.
Forgiveness is found deep within not earned with sorries and gifts.
Love just is. Its not earned or found it just is, and it takes trust and forgiveness to keep it.”

Trust once broken becomes an issue for the entire duration of the relationship. Personally being a very un-trusting individual I know that once trust is broken then it becomes the key focal point of the entire relationship. Every time there is something that sounds like it doesn’t match up, I tend to try and find out as much as I can to get to the truth when before (when the trust was intact) I would most likely let the mismatch slide. Now to tell you that your man has changed and he won’t cheat on you again is something I simply cannot do. But what I can do is say that people have an ability to learn and grow as individuals, and that if you do put in your time to show him that you care and are the only one by his side while he’s in jail and there is no one else around to show their care as you do, then he may become someone who is trustworthy. He may see that you are someone he has to cherish and appreciate because you are the only one that stood by his side when he was in a difficult situation. Again, everyone is different, and though one person may see the love and appreciate it, another person may just as easily oversee that and stick to his unfaithful ways.

You mentioned that you have unconditional love for him, and that is something that not many people have for their partner when they are in a relationship. It is something that is extremely reassuring to him, but you must also look out for yourself and see that he appreciates you for who you are by not continuing to cheat on you. He cheated on you with 6 different women and not many women would continue to stand by their man after and this raises a question for me. Why do you continue to stand by him? I understand that love plays a huge factor, but I think you should also learn by now not to forgive him as easily as you have been. He will not stop cheating unless you give him reason to stop by either threatening him that you will leave, or actually taking your things and leaving. For him to earn your trust he must make a conscious decision to improve in treating you better and refrain from cheating. If you continue to forgive him when he apologizes or showers you with gifts then just like the quote states, he is not being sincere but only trying to buy his way out of situation which he will most likely repeat again.

Currently there is not much that can be done besides waiting it out and seeing that he has in fact learned that he should stop being unfaithful to you, and if he does commit the same act then there is nothing else that I think can really hold you back from leaving him. Unconditional love or not, you have to look at what’s beneficial to you, and if he disrespects you the way he does then he doesn’t take your relationship seriously at all. For now see how things go and don’t bring up the past. Try to keep him off the drugs and out of jail and if he is able to refrain from repeating his mistakes then there is room for improvement and room for trust.

“Trust has to be earned, and should come only after the passage of time.”
-Arthur Ashe


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