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Clear the Misunderstandings by Communicating

7 September 2010 One Comment

I’m crying my heart out, I dont even know why Im writing this, but it hurts
and I don’t know who to speak this with… recently I started seeing someone
which I stopped going out with last year, everything is going so far well
actually better than before for sure, we have gone out with (my) friends, he
has met (my) family (casually) after work everyday he comes home and sleeps
over, and in his days off after he has his hobby (Golf) time, we spent the
rest of the day together cooking and going out to the doggie park (yes he
bought me a dog) etc etc.

Now here is the thing! … recently the puppy got surgery (spayed) and it’s
been hell. We had to take her 2x to the vet this week alone. That’s not the
issue here but rather an annoying comment he said to me one particular
morning, he called me “dude” in a funny way (which I hate and talk about not
calling me so) and I replied to him “am I your f!@#ing buddy?! and he said
“Yes!” all dumb face as it sounds. I understand some people are not “morning
person” but please that doesn’t give way to be disrespectful. I meant it as
am I your buddy to be calling me dude? not as in F!@# buddy.

I felt like s#$t, somehow it made sense to me though it was a joke, we both
kind of went to our senses about what was said and how it was said, after
that I quietly cried on the vet’s office while he stayed in the car, laying
down on his seat.

I think I cried because for me it made sense the fact that 1. I haven’t met
his family (though he always talk about them, good things and bad, and had
mention he is not close with them) 2. I haven’t even met one friend of
his…(though I know he goes Golfing with a particular friend, that’s pretty
much it!) 3. He hasn’t brought me over to his house, actually his fathers
house (ok, he is chinese, but no one cannot be that old fashion) 4. Though I
know he works for a restaurant he hasn’t told me where does he work (though
he calls me from work and text me when the place is not too busy) after I
heard even if it was in a joking note saying yes to my remark of f@##ing
buddy it makes me wonder am I truly his f@#$ buddy afterall?!

I thought we were transitioning to GF and BF. As a matter of fact he has even
mentioned me as his GF before, and now he responds like this!? I want to
know, was this just a misinterpretation from my part?! or does it really
looks like I’m just his f@# buddy?

*When he left to work this morning though he seemed to be taken aback by my
reaction to the whole scene, he did give me a kiss and said later babe.

I understand sometimes relationships are harder than it looks and more
puzzling by the min!!! but help me please….I’m so confused! I’m about to ask
him for some time because I don’t want to disrespect myself as a woman,
mother and professional, I don’t want him to think I’m that kind of person and
if thats what he truly thinks of this relationship then how can I open such
conversation without jeopardizing our current status? …whatever that is.

I think there has been a big misunderstanding here. It seems like he called you “dude” in a joking fashion, and when you didn’t see the humour in it and asked him if he was calling you a buddy, he said “yes” just to seem funny again, and he obviously didn’t mean it as you thought he did. You began to question him and say that he hasn’t introduced you to his family or friends, however he did say that you are his girlfriend in an instance before. So he definitely does think of you as his girlfriend, it’s just that you two share a different type of humour in your speech. Not to sound disrespectful, but it seems like he is much more laid back then what you’re used to and he is very comfortable with himself and with the things he says, and that is something new to you. If you want this relationship to work, and it does seem like this is definitely a relationship that is much more than just two fuck buddies having fun, then you have to accept his mannerisms.

One thing that you should improve is the communication. When he offended you, you stayed and cried in the vet’s office while he was out in the car. Instead, you should have told him that you don’t appreciate what he said and been genuinely serious about it. And also, if you would like to get to know his friends and family then you should be more assertive and tell him that you are very interested in inviting over his golfing buddy or whoever. If he disagrees or makes a fuss out of it, tell him calmly that it would be nice to meet some of his friends as he has met some of yours. Instead of allowing emotions take over, it is always best to express yourself with words so he understands that there are things that are important to you (like meeting his friends) which may not be so significant in his mind, which is why I think he still hasn’t introduced you to his family. Tell him that if he wants this relationship to work then he has to be more open with you and tell you about certain elements of his life, such as where he works and how he spends his free time. Don’t be too demanding or hysterical about it, but make sure that he understands that this knowledge is of importance and value to you. And the best way to get a person to see you’re being sincere is by speaking very calmly and not make it look like you’re either joking around with him, nor that you’re allowing your emotions to take over your rational mind.

Once you two begin to communicate better rather than get mad at each other over small things, that is when your relationship will become much more meaningful and you will both feel happier to be around each other.

One Comment »

  • T.Lee said:

    Thank you so much, I appreciate your response and right on time to give you great news!

    … after reading this, I had the opportunity to calmly speak with him, yes communication is the key for a successful relationship.

    He has open up to all of the subjects mentioned above (work, friends and even the reason why he hasn’t invited me yet to his home) it turned out to be he felt uncomfortable telling me this things because:

    A. he doesn’t have an awesome job (I work for the Entertainment Industry, Movies etc as a makeup artist) he in the contrary is just a server and I guess I didn’t realize guys do get very sensitive when their girls make more money etc etc I told him my job its no better than his, actually his is better because he was the provider, believe me, me getting a job now a days is tough!

    B. the reason he hasn’t taken me to his place its because its a mess and he feels shame that its a hoard house, I reassured him I wasn’t going there to judge and mentioned I too have brothers and a father and that have seen it all!

    C. as for friends I will definitely approach your suggestion with his golfing buddy as for the rest of his buddies I discovered (they love video games!!!) which is perfect Im a hardcore gamer myself so I cannot wait to show off my skills Im pretty sure it would be an awesome experience for him, his friends and me.

    in overall,

    We are in what I could describe “honeymoon” stage. Last night he said before coming over, that he was happy, he sees I am happy and that things shouldn’t be a big deal from now on.

    Thank you once again for giving me a second view of the subject and realize how wonderful it is to find someone with a great sense of humor and lay back personality, you are right Im not used to it at all, but Im beginning to love it and Im more than thankful to now clearly see I can respect him, appreciate him and trust him and enjoy such a unique character by simply communicating more openly from now on.

    You are awesome!!
    ~Thank You!!


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