Don’t Dance to his Tune
Hi! I need advice. I have a friend, John. We met this year and we are really
great friends. We always had chemistry but he had a girlfriend. They broke up
three weeks ago and we had sex last week for the first time. I’m not a very
affectionate person, and it wasn’t planned. Anyway, I’m getting a lot of mixed
signals from him. He hates when I talk about my ex boyfriend (we broke up four
months ago) and he would be very distant for a few days and then suddenly he’s
all over me. We work together and he talks to me every day at the office.
He sits with me every day and gives me compliments. After sex he told me to
sleep over, and he held me the whole night, and kissed me. He was also very
gentle and loving during sex, which I did not expect.
His ex girlfriend is a problem though. She keeps wanting to see him and then he
gets distant because it’s upsetting. He invited me over (to have sex) and I said
we can’t, but then he said I must go anyway, and he would come sit next to me.
He also notices a lot of things and get small ways to touch me. I don’t know if
he likes me or not, but I hate the confusion and I’m overthinking everything.
And I’m so afraid that he will think I like him if I’m nice or just caring and
he’ll get scared or uncomfortable. But he has days where he doesn’t want to talk
or let anybody know about us, and then other days he’s the one who lets everyone
His ex girlfriend also asked him not to sleep around, and he invited me over
right after and told me what she said. He then said if she asked if he did he
would have said yes but that it’s none of her business. I would really
appreciate some advice and how to handle the situation and be around him.
In this case you started off in very hazy territory, but you did not sleep with him before he broke up with his ex, which is commendable, since that would surely have had much different results. Now, however, you are not in girlfriend zone neither are you really just a fuckbuddy, you’re somewhere in between. Especially because you two work together, this makes the entire relationship much less avoidable. The fact that he’s kind and caring to you when it comes to making love and shows compassion instead of making you feel like an object of his interest, then it definitely gives way to a potential serious relationship. The truth of the matter is, like you said, his ex-girlfriend is still in the picture, and that poses as a barrier. Now the way you overcome the barrier is up to you, since you can’t be overly disqualifying of the fact that there is another woman, but at the same time you cannot give in to his inability to make decisive actions due to his feelings towards her.
Unfortunately, you are stuck as a the third party for now and though you want to be his main woman, you currently come secondary. It is up to you to be a little more assertive regarding what you want. If you allow him to make the decisions and steer the course of your relationship then it may never work out for he has too many options. You may want to state an ultimatum or you can try and show your reluctance of being treated as an unequal. On those days when he is not in the mood to show face or acts cold, it is up to you to mention it. Do not be overbearing, but ask what’s wrong. You want to show that you care about him and you want to do it in a way where he feels it. Do not do it in an interrogatory way, but allow yourself to stand strong as an individual while you show care through concern. This way he will see that he is expressing himself in a way that makes you concerned, and that may lead to him realizing that something about him is off keel.
I think there is surely some hesitance on his part about you because of his ex-girlfriend and maybe for other reasons that I just cannot know, but it looks like time would reveal best. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong at the moment, just don’t think that logic is all you will need to figure this one out. There is definitely emotions at play here, and when that’s the case it is always a different ball game. You must discover the emotional status and how he feels towards you and towards his ex, and what is he willing to do not to lose you.
And if you’re tired of all the mind games out there, join this community of women and men who just want to be involved in something for a more “mature” crowd called Local Milf.