Don’t Forget Your Worth
So I met this guy online about a year and a half ago. This past spring break I
went to visit a friend at the college he attends, and we ended up meeting. Just
to provide some context on my relationship with him, we’ve talked for a year,
and we went from being interested in one another romantically, and when things
didn’t work out for a number of reasons we eventually progressed to just being
best friends (since at one point he called me his best friend).
So when we initially met it was to watch a movie at around midnight in his
dorm room with his friends. Throughout the movie we just sat shoulder to
shoulder. Then once all of his friends but one left with that remaining friend
passed out and sleeping on the bed, we were siting so close with my entire right
side against his left. Then his friend eventually left and we ended up cuddling,
which he initiated and then we ended up hooking up, which he also initiated.
When it was around 7am I was about to leave, and I was feeling extremely
flustered and confused about what we were, and I was going to leave without
saying goodbye. But before I could leave he called my name to stop me, and he
gave me a hug.
Then we met up two days later and had dinner with his friends, went back to
his dorm and played a video game, then watched some Netflix together. We cuddled
the entire time, then eventually we ended up hooking up. Afterwards I asked
whether I could just stay with him that night, and he said I could. After
showering he joined me in his bed and we ended up cuddling that night and
Eventually the day came for me to leave, and I told him that I really liked
him but we went to schools that were far from one another (although 3 hours
isn’t so far away). He got my drift and he just silently gave what seemed to be
a sad nod, and got up to give me a long and tight hug. I said I would miss him
and he said he would come visit me, and I left. But then I couldn’t help but
knock on his door again after taking a few steps from the door, and after he
asked whether I forgot something I wordlessly pulled him in for one last kiss.
When I pulled away he brought my face to his for a second kiss and then I left.
But then my friend and sister who were picking me up wanted to meet him, so I
went back with my sister to tell him they wanted to meet him. He was so sweet to
them but when he left he only gave me a one-handed hug.
Once I was back at my respective school I had a moment of weakness and posted
a lovey-dovey song about falling for someone on his Facebook timelime. That
prompted a conversation through message where he said that I’d already said that
it wouldn’t be a good idea for us to be in a relationship, and it pretty much
ended with him saying he really liked me and seriously considered a relationship
with me, but decided to stick to his original plan of being single throughout
college or even want to be with me following college. Should I just stick to
trying to visit him when I can and hooking up even if he doesn’t want to be in a
relationship? I really do like him, but at the same time I don’t want to be just
a hook-up to someone even if they say I’m not a meaningless hookup. Is there any
chance he’ll eventually change his mind judging from what I’ve told you?
There are many ways this “relationship” can go. It does seem that he respects you and the fact that he gave you a one handed hug in front of your sister was just a sign that he didn’t know exactly what would be appropriate when it comes to exposing to your family members and therefore did the polite thing. There is definitely the issue that he wants to stay single for the remainder of his college years, and that is understandable, college is a hell of a time to get your fill, and that becomes much harder, obviously, when you’re in a relationship. And though 3 hours doesn’t sound like a long distance relationship, it certainly does become a mission to see each other and hold on when there is a high availability of other girls in his immediate vicinity. Not to sound doubtful, but chances that he may change his mind and want to start something exclusive cannot really be determined unless he falls in love with you. If he becomes crazy about you in a way that he can’t see himself not being without you then of course he will forget about other college girls and his little plan of remaining single. I believe he had a perfect chance to make a move the night you were over and he chose not to, which was either because he was nervous and couldn’t read you well, or because he thought that it may lead you to think that he is interested in being exclusive with you. Either way, however, he didn’t make the pass and that should say something. Then when you posted the song on his timeline, it triggered a more honest response from him, because now he was in the luxury of not being directly confronted in person and given time to post each thought-out response through online messaging. That specific dialogue exchange you shared, I would personally put most emphasis on to analyze where he stands with you and what he wants out of your “relationship”.
Concerning whether or not you should make time to see him and become a hook-up, I would have to suggest against it. I don’t want to propagate such actions especially where you’re completely giving up your entire grasp of power and control by becoming a seemingly desperate girl who is okay with making time to go out and see him just to hook up and then be sent back with nothing more than a lay. Men sense desperation and utilize it the same way women do. It doesn’t act as an attractive trait, instead you give up your hand and it’s like playing a skill-less opponent. You may get your kicks in the beginning but in the long-term you’ll end up hurt and will have to tell yourself it was a mistake and move on. Have some emotional restrain and view it as a crush. Tighten up your game a bit and bring it back to the chase. From what you’re written, it sounds like he’s not a big player but he’s a type that will hop onto better tail if it comes along – what I mean by that is that he’s not looking for exclusivity, he’s looking to score as much as he can while he’s in college because perhaps his game was off while he was in high school and he’s feeling the freedom college offers.
I’m being completely frank and highly opinionated in this post, but I guess that’s why people write to me. So though it’s a little harsh, I think a reality check is what you need more than an approving confirmation. His intentions aren’t even in the fine-print in this situation, they’re bluntly expressed. If you are going to squander your time trying to make it work with this guy, in a sense that you’ll try to get him to change his mind about his “college pact” and become your boyfriend then do it with a touch of class. Don’t run to him, have him come visit you; have him invest some time and efforts; have him see your worth, not just as an adorable and fun friend who is a potential hook-up, but someone who he’d feel stupid to not make his girlfriend. I notice that the growing problem for women is that because there is such an open buffet for men these days thanks to all these dating and fuck-buddy apps that true romance is waning and women are finding it more and more acceptable to lower their own threshold on what they would or wouldn’t do to be with a man that the whole paradigm of the game is becoming irrelevant. Of course you’re free to do what you like, but I say stick to your guns a little bit and don’t give in so easily. If you want a relationship and he doesn’t, well, then hell, if he don’t want it, you’re worth more than that, there’ll be someone who will come around and treat you like the queen that you are.