Don’t Worry, Be Happy… with What You Have
Hey Robby G!
About 6-7 months ago my mom introduced me to a guy who could help me with a
bartending job, we met up several times to go over the process, but ended up
spending more time talking and hanging out-going to a restaurant etc.
Definitely great chemistry between us and he had told me he thought I was very
attractive, but I had mentioned I was in a relationship of 3 years so that was
that, really. I ended up getting a job elsewhere, thanked him, he asked if we
could still hang out sometime, I said sure! We would text every so often, just
about what we’ve been up to, little about each other but never really hung out.
About 4 months ago he had asked to meet up, so we went to a party with friends
he knew, while I still had my bf. Nothing happened other than a lot of flirting
(which I didn’t feel great about). He had asked to see me again, and I wanted to
really bad but never got around to it.
About 3 months ago, my bf of 3 1/2 years and I broke up, it wasn’t a bad break
up but college has gotten the better of us and it got really tough. This guy and
I ended up talking again, hanging out, and watching movies, which lead to a lot
of kissing. Hung out 4-5 times before we slept together, both of us said we were
in no position to be in a relationship (me because I had only been single for a
month and love my ex, but was attracted to this new guy; and he because he had
been single for about a year and had not really met anyone). After sex we spend
a while talking about life, our families, school etc. We always kiss
“hi” and “bye” and always hold hands/cuddle before and
after- was a little confusing. I figured we were just “F” buddies, but
after he stayed the night at my place the 4th time we slept together, he wanted
to cuddle, hold hands, kissed my forehead, gave me massages, back tickles etc…
just felt very couple-y.. and we would have sex in the morning.
We text once every week or so, he has called me “love” and texted me
on thanksgiving, my birthday etc. He calls me beautiful and gorgeous and goes on
about how hot I am when we are with each other… but it’s not over the top and
obnoxious. But we also do not go out on dates or anything, which I assumed would
be the case as we were starting off as a booty-call situation.
We went to a lake for a midnight walk recently and he initiated holding my hand.
He gave me his coat and we talked about traveling and going to Europe.
I am just very confused because I had been ok (and assumed) that I was just
going to be his “F” buddy, but it feels like a lot more than that. But
when I asked if he wanted to come to a friends wedding with me as my date, and
stay at the hotel after, he said: “Simplicity is the key to success”
and didn’t think it was a great idea. I said “alright :)” as I didn’t
mind either way, but then he told me “I hope you don’t think its
because i don’t have feelings for you.”
I like him, a lot. But I don’t know how to act now because he is giving me
really mixed messages. Any suggestions? And thank you so much for taking time to
Firstly, thanks for writing, this was a pleasure to read. You seem like a very nice, principled, and outgoing woman who has met someone who is just as outgoing as you. There are times when two people meet and after sometime discover that they are very suited for each other. Not because they are extremely attracted to each other sexually or are feeling discontent and lonely and require another to fill that void, but simply because of a connection that exists which transcends any form of fake intentions. From the beginning you were open to each other and it doesn’t seem like there were any pressures put upon one another. You took it easy and once you both were single and available, you allowed your relations to advance, which was the right move because this way you were able to portray to him that you are faithful and at the same time don’t act on a whim.
You don’t seem like you are desperate to turn what you have into anything formal right away and are willing to still enjoy the “friends with benefits” element while reeling him in gradually. This is great because that way you won’t have to put forth an ultimatum or scare him off with commitments he may not be ready for. I don’t feel like the signals he is sending out are too mixed. Going to a wedding with you is quite a big step and though you are okay with him not coming with you as your date, you seem concerned that he did it because he did not want you to think that he wants to turn the relationship into anything more serious. He obviously cares about you and about what you feel and think, but at this point he may not be too concerned with the notion of “where is this relationship going” and instead is focused on enjoying it as it progresses. I see the two of you eventually falling in love and having a serious and long relationship simply from what you’ve described and how you two treat one another.
More Than Just…
In your position, it is probably best to not bring up the subject of starting anything serious at the moment, because I can see that you two are not lacking any communication and know quite well how you feel about each other. You two talk about traveling and there’s an atmosphere of mutual understanding and compassion which is very important. The only thing you are lacking is the “official” label of a relationship and the responsibilities that come with being in a relationship. There may be various reasons why he currently does not want to be involved in anything formal but I don’t think that is something you should worry about. If you like him then continue treating him the same way you have been and if he does the same in return then you will have an interesting relationship where you two are not completely tied to each other and are free to not answer to him when you are doing your own thing, but at the same time you always have someone to come to who you know feels a great deal for you.
The only issue to arise is when you fall in love and that is when there won’t be much choice but to talk things through and see where he stands. But I think by that time you will already have things sorted. He’s certainly right that “simplicity is the key” and if you want things to develop properly and in a way that you both are happy with then allow things to move slowly. The relationships that last longest are the ones that gradually grow on you rather than spur up from the start and then slowly burn out.