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Final Step Towards a Serious Relationship

3 April 2010 6 Comments

Hi Bobby, firstly can I say I really enjoy reading your site. Your advice is
honest and well written, so I hope you can shed some light on my situation.

I met a guy in early January through an online dating site and after
speaking for a while we went on a date. As the date ended, we both wanted
to spend more time together, but as all the bars were closing, we decided to
go to his flat to watch a movie. We ended up making out and he asked me to
stay the night, which I did. I did not sleep with him, although he did ask.
We texted a little following the first night, and arranged to meet at his
flat the following week before I went on holiday for two weeks. Again, I
stayed round but did not sleep with him.

When I was at holiday we texted and kept in contact, and when I returned I
tried to arrange for us to go on a date. He replied saying he was very sorry
but busy at work (he is a paramedic that works long hours and throughout the
weekends). I was disappointed and later that day asked him whether he
wanted to keep in contact and meet up when he was free, and he said that he
had started seeing someone else and it would therefore be inappropriate to
keep seeing me. He said he was sorry if I felt he had led me on but that he
wanted to remain friends.

I was disappointed, but wasn’t emotionally invested enough not to want to
be his friend. We kept in contact, and one night we were texting and he said
it hadn’t worked out with the other girl he was seeing. He asked if I wanted
to drop by his flat as it would be easier than texting. I went over and we
ended up sleeping together.

We saw each other every week/every other week for the next 6 weeks or so.
Each time he would come to mine or I would go to his, we’d cook dinner,
watch a movie and he’d stay round. Typical FB behaviour right? In between
our nights together we were also speaking to each other every day via
Instant Messenger or text.

As we are both online daters, we are both dating other people. We are
however not sleeping with other people. He has told me he is looking for a
serious relationship.

Last week, I was having some drinks with work friends & my best friend and
he said he would like to come along. He got on very well with my best friend
and made an effort to speak to my colleagues. He stayed til the very end,
even if he later admited he was a bit bored.

As the time has passed, I have begun to realise that in an attempt to not
get emotionally involved with him, I have been supressing my feelings and
hence what I really want. I spoke to him today and he said he had a date on
Monday, and it actually made my heart hurt a little. This is when I knew
that perhaps this arrangement is no longer suitable for me.

I want him to know how I feel, and also try understand what he wants from
me. But at the same time I don’t want to scare him with an ultimatum, as I
don’t think that would go down well!

I told him I would like to see him on Monday for a chat – so I am really
hoping you can give me some (urgent!) advice on how to approach the subject
with him.

Thank you for your time
Stella


First I’d like to say that there’s only one person who has ever called me Bobby (Bobby G, to be exact :)) before and that was an ex-fuckbuddy. So reading that first sentence brought back some fun memories, so thanks. Now, continuing on to answer your urgent question…

With the circumstances of your situation, I don’t think that an ultimatum will work with him as well. You said that he is ready for a serious relationship and continues seeing other women he meets through online dating sites. Whatever you explained you share with him does sound like a fuck-buddy relationship, however, he did come out with you and your friends and stayed until the end. That certainly has meaning behind it, because if he was to only want to hold a strict fuck-buddy relationship with you, he would have avoided that. It seems like the only reason you two do not have a formal relationship is because you have not showed him that you are interested in such an arrangement. When you meet him on Monday, do not hesitate to discuss what you think is really going between you two. More importantly, ask him what he hopes to achieve with your current relationship. If he says he’s happy with the way things are, tell him that lately you’ve been seeing him as someone more than just a fuck-buddy and hope that maybe you can try dating. Do not pressure him, but simply tell him that it’s just something you want to try out and see how it goes. Tell him you’re tired of the online dating and want to try some real genuine dating with him.

Basically, you should try to get him to believe that it’s nothing too solid and that you really want to lock him into a full blown relationship, but certainly give into his desire for a serious relationship. Make sure he knows that you want to give it a go and see how turns out, and if it doesn’t go as well as either of you hope it does then you can always just remain friends. It is your job to convince him to take a chance, and since he is already sleeping with you and has met your friends and knows more about you than he does any of those other girls he will meet through the dating site, then you already have the advantage.

I think the reason why he has not not started a serious relationship with you is just because you have not made an impression that you want a serious relationship. But now that you are ready for one, just be frank and lay it out on the table for him. Tell him that you will give him time to think about it if he really needs that time, and don’t try to pull him out of that date with that girl he has planned to see that Monday.

6 Comments »

  • Stella said:

    Hi Robby (and apologies for calling you Bobby!!), thank you for your prompt reply.

    Reading your other posts, I got the impression that perhaps laying all your cards out and sharing your feelings wasn’t the best option. How is it different in my case?

    I know that I need to find out what he hopes to achieve through our current situation, but I often wonder – if he wants a serious relationship (and he is aware that my ultimate goal is to find a relationship, although I have not communicated that I want one with him) – why isn’t he in / or tried to be in a serious relationship with me?! Am I just setting myself up for disappointment?

    Thanks again!
    Stella

  • Robby G (author) said:

    @Stella, I think he hasn’t attempted to get into a serious relationship simply because you yourself have not revealed to him that you are interested in one with him in particular. He may think that you two are just using each other for the sex before you find something better that will come along who you can start something serious with. So that is why it’s important here to be open and make him see that you are thinking about him as the suitable candidate.
    I don’t think you are setting yourself up for disappointment, in fact I think there’s a better chance of you two turning out together than you think, just do not put excessive pressure on the situation.

  • Stella said:

    @Robby G, Thank you for your response. I have just returned home after having my chat with him. He said that he didn’t think I wanted anything more with him because I was seeing other people, and had in effect made up his mind not to pursue it further. He also said that now that I am interested in a relationship with him he doesn’t think it’s right for us to continue because he doesn’t feel the same way.

    For whatever it’s worth I did tell him that he is someone I would like to date and get to know better. However, as he seems to have made up his mind, I don’t think it made a difference. I’m not sure if I have the strength just yet to continue to be his friend.

    Although I am very disappointed, I feel like I was honest and did all I could in the situation… and I guess if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be, and sometimes you just have to accept it.

    Once again, thank you for your advice. I wish you luck with your blog and look forward to reading your future entries!

  • Robby G (author) said:

    @Stella: Thank you. I wish you luck in the future, but I still think that though he may have said that just now, if you give it some distance and only contact him on occasion, then he still make come around. Sometimes even fuck-buddies make a bigger impression than we think and once they are ‘somewhat’ out of the picture, we begin to miss them. So I still believe there’s a chance he will propose to try out the dating thing with you. But either way, look for other guys, there’s always something better out there.

    Definitely hoping to see you around here more often, glad you’re enjoying the blog. Cheers!

  • Ray said:

    Robby, i happened to stumble on ya blog by chance, reading through Stella’s messages. I see it as an opportunity to share my personal experience and encounter. I got introduced by a childhood friend in Germany to his girlfriend in Holland. I never met her as i am in South Africa but we chat online often and sometimes on video calls. She later introduced me to a friend and mate who also in Netherlands. I fell in love with her and we talk online everytime we get the chance. I really love her but she feels we can’t make it because of the distance. I tried hard to let go to no avail. Later my friend broke up with his girlfriend but she and I still talk online. Later she called me to say one of her friends saw my pics and is so in love with me. she asked to give her my contacts. we hooked up on facebook and has been talking since August 1. She is so crazy in love and wants a serious relationship to the point that she even considers marriage. But the bad news is i dn’t quite feel the same way. Rather im so much in love with the other chic who seems skeptical because of the distance between us. what do i do… i really need ya help Robby. Thanks Ray

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