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Find the Comfort You Need in Your Relationship

29 May 2010 No Comment

Hello, I have read your advice for others and must say you are fantastic.

I have being seeing this guy for 4 months now. we met through a dating
website… we decided to just be friends but still have sex, we have also now
started working on a project together. A few weeks ago he decided to add me
to his ‘real facebook‘, where i found pictures of him and his ex.. this
really affected me and wrote ‘dissapointed’ in my statues, he instantly
texted me to check if had been him who had dissapointed me because of his
trust issues and because he had pictures of his ex, he reassured me they had
broken up nearly a year ago… i asked him if he had feelings for her an he
said he ‘still likes her a lot and had a lot of feelings for her, but they
will never be together again so i had nothing to worry about’ after this we
started texting each other more often but then met up and had sex, this was
very different from the other times, he was more caring and intimate.. but
after he finished he just started talking about the money we would make from
this project… I felt so used. After this I haven’t been able to connect
like before, I feel that he is always thinking of this other girl when with
me.. and this really fustrates me… this week he has randomly called me to
go to the cinema, but when he’s with me he spends half the time on his Blackberry, I
know he sells things through ebay and has to deal with this but it makes me
wonder if he’s texting other girls… he is a lot older than me and I’m 19 and
he’s 31… everytime we are together and don’t meet for sex we end up watching
movies but never kiss, he just kisses me when we say goodbye… i will be
going to south america where i live for my holidays and he has said he
would love to come visit me there.. i really like this guy but I’m not sure
if I should put effort into this, i have no idea how he feels. I sometimes
feel like just letting him know how awkward i feel when im with him and can’t
start a conversation with him but i dont have the guts and feel scared that
he will start to act weird after this… i really have no idea what to do…
please give me some advice..

Thank you Robby.

To be honest, he hasn’t done a single thing for you to distrust him and you are worrying for all the wrong reasons. First of all, you have agreed to have a strictly friends with benefits type of arrangement and then you expect for him to act like there is something more between you guys without letting him know how you feel. Also, he actually sounds rather caring and thoughtful because he cared enough to respond to your facebook status update with a text. Most men wouldn’t feel concerned enough to such things. When he began speaking about the amount of money you two will make off your project after sex, he was surely not doing it to make you feel bad, because he most likely saw it as something the both of you should be happy about. He’s not using you any more than you’re using him in return. I actually think that he cares for you as much as you care for him, but he may fear to bring up the subject because of the age difference and that you may not be feeling the same way. The fact that you sometimes meet to watch a movie instead of to just have sex is a great sign that you two are connecting on a realm higher than simple friends with benefits. I wouldn’t worry about his exgirlfriend, because if he were to still be hooking up with her then he would be much more deceptive than to put up pictures of him with her on Facebook and texting her during the time you two are together. It sounds like he is very much into his business and he does spend a lot of his time enthralled in it.

Build Up Your Confidence

It seems like you both have feelings for each other that are beyond what you choose to share with each other. Statements like his where he tells you that he would love to come visit you in South America are perfect hints that he does like you. He may fear that he is older than you and you may not have the same outlooks on relationships as him, but it is upto you to reassure him that you do feel for him. One way to become certain that he does really like you is to test him. A man who just wants sex from a girl would not care enough to make big changes to satisfy her. So if you really want to be certain, take a picture together and if you really like it, ask him to put it up as his profile picture on Facebook. He may get a little bit offended that you feel like you need the reassurance, but try to make it seem like it’s just something you’d love to see because you look so cute together and because you’re leaving on vacation and he won’t be able to see you for so long, rather than explaining to him that you are doing it to test his devotion to you. If he cares enough about you then he will have no real problem with putting it up and then you can tell him that you do like him more than a friend with benefits and would like him to still be there when you come back from vacation. He is at an age where he knows the game quite well I presume, and he will have no problem with telling you how he feels towards this entire situation. I am sure that he is just waiting to hear your thoughts on your “relationship” and then he will openly communicate his desires with you.

In this case, I can easily say that you can be open with him and you will not get coldly rejected. But before you completely open up, try the testing him method and see how he reacts to it. If he does not go along with it, then just laugh it off and say fine, but then you will know that he does not care enough about you to satisfy your need to receive comfort in his emotions to you.

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