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Friend First, Benefits Second

21 March 2010 5 Comments

So I have this open relationship with this girl. We been messing around for
a couple months. We are also best friends. It started off rough and it was
pretty smooth sailing for a while. Until tonight, where she asks me how i
feel about our situation and her. So i told her that i think everything is
going pretty smooth and that i have love for her as a friend and nothing
else. We both understood that this was never going to get very serious in
the long run. So she then tells me that she understands everything but she
feels that her heart might fall for me and she doesnt want to be hurt again.
Shes afraid that if she falls for me and at that point i only see her as a
friend again or just someone to have sex with. i told her that if it ever
got to a point where her feelings were growing for me, stop and end it. Then
she started saying that she’s never going to find someone to love her and
she’s going to be single for the rest of her life… She also has a 2 yr old
son. I told her that she needs to open up to people and look for someone.
She said that she’s done looking because it’s hopeless and she doesn’t have the time
to date guys. I dont even know if there’s a question for you… What are
your thoughts on this and what/can i do for her?

I can see you really care for her and that’s a true friendship. She seems very down because of the fact that she thinks that her time for love has passed her and now that she also has a son, it will be almost impossible for her to find anyone to love her. She sounds somewhat depressed, and the most important thing she should accomplish is to get out of that negative mindset. So how can you help her in this situation?

It’s Never too Late for Love

The fact is getting out there and searching for a loving partner is one hell of a difficult thing to do. There’s never any room for weak hearted people to get out there thinking that they will get what they’re looking for right off the bat. It takes time and patience, but it’s never too late to find it. Your friend is very vulnerable at this point in her life and any sort of rejection may make her feel even worse. First and foremost, she needs to resolve this internal issue in her that makes her believe that there’s no one out there for her. You should try to motivate her to “man-up” and try her luck before feeling discouraged. Do not make her think that you are encouraging her to get out there into the game because you are afraid she will fall for you or out of feeling bad for her. Try to be encouraging and concerned that she is feeling the way she is, and try to keep her mind on positive thoughts. The only problem I see with you giving her a helping hand like that is that she may actually fall for you rather than anyone else because of the history you share. Also, the fact that she told you that she’s afraid that she may begin having some sort of feelings for you in the future is a sure indication that she is already considering you as a candidate for love. You should assess your own feelings towards her and be cautious to not devastate her heart by continuing to sleep with her if you don’t want a future with her, because I sense that’s what she will expect if you continue the friends with benefits relationship after she openly told you that she may start falling for you.

Point Her in the Right Direction

Find some places where singles go to mingle and find partners for themselves and advise her to go out there and find men who are like minded with the same sort of agenda as her. Basically help motivate her to really want to try and find someone rather than believe that there isn’t anyone out there for her. I hope your friend finds the man she’s looking for, but that can only happen if she actually looks for him.


  • Alex said:

    Thanks for the advice Robby. I have been trying to talk to her about being more positive. We also had a nice fight/discussion too. She brought up the “we” topic and everything went sour from there. I told her that there wont be an us in the future but im always going to b there for her as a friend. She flips out asking me why i even bothered trying to be more than friends with her if i didnt want something serious. So long story short, I told her that we should end it before things got even more serious but she said no…

    She wanted to keep messing around but at the sametime was going to try and kill her feelings for me… Which i think is complete BS… She wants to challenge herself. I still see she has feelings for me and i dont think they are going to go anywhere. Im afraid that if i tell her to cut it off between us, shes going to let go of me as a friend too. I want to stay as friends but dont want to break her heart more than it already is.

  • Robby G (author) said:

    @Alex: If you think she’s getting in deeper than you want and she won’t be able to control her feelings, then I’m afraid it’s best to make a little distance. I had a similar situation where we agreed on a fuckbuddy relationship but then she was getting too serious and I told her I wasn’t interested in anything more. She told me the same thing as your girl did, she said she’ll try to suppress those emotions and wanted to continue our relationship. It ended badly, I have to say. But what I learnt is that you can always be helpful and friendly with her if you want, because she can’t really force the sex on you. The problem there, however, is that since the sex already happened, it is extremely difficult to stay friends with her since she will always think there is hope of hooking up again. Until she finds herself a new man she feels for, you’ll be on her mind, friend or no friend, fuck buddy or no fuck buddy. It’s not that simple to be her friend now because she will keep liking you. The only thing you can do is wait until she finds another man.
    The only way you can make her like you less is by acting like a completely different person and make her see the “real” you by making her think you’re a real dirtbag. It’s experimental and I don’t suggest it unless you know 100% it will work, but it may work if you’re willing to try it out.
    Keep me informed. Thanks.

  • Alex said:

    @Robby G, Well that whole experimental thing wont work with her because she knows the real me. If i change that much, shes probably going to think im being a dick to drive her away. Plus i understand that its going to be different as friends too. I always tell her when we go out to not be afraid and talk to other guys and give your number out. But when she does give her number out, its always the wrong one. So I think the best thing to do is just cut her out for like a month or so right? and see how things go from there?

  • Robby G (author) said:

    @Alex: Yeah, sorry to say, but that seems to be the only way out here. That’s the biggest problem with fuck buddies, that they get emotional and there’s no other way around but cutting them off. Give it a little longer than a month and then see where it goes. Maybe after she cools off and finds someone else, you can become friends again, even though I personally don’t think that can still work out unless you move on and show her that you’ve got another girl.

  • Alex said:

    @Robby G, I understand exactly what you’re saying. While we mess around and all, i’ve been on a couple dates but she has no knowledge of it. She told me that she is extremely jealous… Me personally, im not jealous whatsoever, I give a lot of space in a relationship, thats another reason why we cant ever be together in the long run. Cant have no one breathing down my neck all the time.

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