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Friends, Benefits, and a Lil’ Something Extra

19 April 2010 2 Comments

Hey Robby. So my question is about a guy who is my friend, with HUGE
benefits. We were friends for over a year before we got sexually involved,
and we both really enjoyed… each “others company” once we started getting

This guy is not just any friend before we became involved we were best buds
we told each other everything. So we know a lot about each other. I had a
boyfriend before we started the friends with benefits thing, but once we
broke up me and my friend got it on. We talk daily to this day, but we don’t
rub elbows as much anymore due to living not as close and both being very
busy. But we both know it will still happen. My question is.. I started to
develop some feelings for him, and I told him A WHILE ago. He said he didn’t
want a relationship and that was that we didnt really discuss it again. We
were cool the next day almost as if nothing ever happened, and that really
confused me. To this day I can’t seem to get him out of my mind. He texts me
all the time, and makes me smile. I have even hinted at having feelings for
him, but it doesn’t seem to faze him. I know he isn’t stupid or not getting
it…Whats going on here?
Should i pursue him? STay friends? or what? It is killing me..

He is just playing the “ignorant” card by trying to ignore the your feelings towards him. He is content with the arrangement you have and doesn’t want to complicate it by adding any emotions into it. He sees you as a friend with benefits and nothing else, because he is unsure what will happen if you do take things further. Also, it is possible he just doesn’t want to hurt you by telling you that he doesn’t feel the same way for you as you do for him, and there’s a possibility that you may take it out on hm if he just tells you that he doesn’t want anything else but sex and mutual friendship. So the tactic he’s using is to try and avoid your call for attachment as long as possible, hoping your emotions will subside rather than grow, as they tend to in these cases.

Best Scenario

If you want the best outcome with his feelings in mind then you should probably ignore your feelings towards him and continue with what you have. He doesn’t seem to be bothered with the way things are and thinks there may be complications between your friendship if you begin dating. This way things will remain the same as they currently are and that’s that. However, since you have developed these feelings, you have to face reality which is that you most likely will not be able to subdue them in order to keep things simple. So though my suggestion is that you do not pursue anything further if you can, you may personally want to taken things further. The best way to do this would be to ask him where he thinks this relationship is heading. Though he may be reluctant to talk about it and the conversation may turn a little bit soar, try to have it as cool and calm as possible. It doesn’t have to be completely strict and formal, but try to get some ideas out of him. Hints here will surely not work because he will just play ignorant and ignore the hints.

You may also try and go back to being friends, which will be difficult, but since he is rather far then I doubt you will return to being best buds given your previous history. To be honest, I’ve had female friends who turned into friends with benefits and once they admitted to liking me and then decided to being just friends, it never worked out well. I think that the best way to “become” friends again is to just continue being friends with benefits and overtime just from the benefits and find someone else you can be interested in who will reciprocate on your emotions. This way you will only grow apart as fuck buddies but the friendship will remain intact.


  • Amber said:

    I like your reply to my post. I feel like exactly everything you are saying is true. Since as time goes by my feelings have been much less intense. However, I still have that tiny feeling in the back of my head that one day maybe he will realize how stupid he was and want to take things further. But I don’t really think that will be happening anytime soon since we are young, and serious relationships aren’t really wanted at this age or sometimes don’t work out. But its very hard to shake, I guess time is what does this best.

    I forgot to mention in my post to you we had a small dating history if you can even call it that. Lunch dates where he would take ME out, he got mesmall momentos from vacations, and once an i love you slipped out… but we were drunk. I dunno. I think what happened also is he has seen my clingy not so attractive side, and we have had some MAJOR battles. Maybe it turned him away from me also?

    But thanks for the advice!

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Amber: I gotta say, those clingy moments, even when may seem slight at the time really get to men. But yeah, time really does heal these things. Only bad thing is that you may not feel the same closeness with him as friends after this whole thing blows over. I would something that help is to also move on and find someone else who can avert your attention from him and maybe date around a little–nothing particularly serious, but see what else is out there, you know?

    How all goes well and thanks for tha question. Cheers.

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