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Friends, Lovers – Room for More?

24 November 2011 5 Comments

So I went to college with this guy about 9 years ago. We were friends but
nothing close. I even used to be fwb with a guy that lived near him and used
to use him as an excuse to stop by. A little over a year ago, I realized we
had both moved to the same state, so I messaged him on Facebook to meet up.
We had a few drinks and then I went home. As I was driving back he’s texting
how GREAT it was to see me and how he had a crush on me in college. He never
made a move in college and he was kind of one of those secret man-whores.

So several months go by and we hardly talk…I mean like the few texts where
I say hi, he rarely messages back. On valentine’s day, he texts me that he
hopes I had a really great day. I’m at a bar with friends and some of my guy
friends take my phone and send him some scandalous messages asking him to
come over to my house. He did! I was like whatever and we had sex. I was
kind of drunk so I can’t imagine it being that great but for some reason he
thought it was.

So we hardly talk again after that then I move again for my job.
Coincidentally, he applies for a job here too. A few months after I move, he
texts me that they are flying him here for an interview and he’s talking
pre-interview sex and all. We go out to dinner and for some drinks the night
before his interview and we meet this guy in town on business, tell him our
story of how we know each other and the guy is like, “Don’t you guys think
it might be fate that you’ve ended up in the same state three times through
9 years??” I said no we’re friends and all of a sudden he’s like “I
know…it might be..” then after the guy repeats his fate theory a few times
and me insisting friendship, my college bud submits to “ya, no…we’re just
friends.” we go back to his hotel room and he doesn’t even try to have sex
with me and says good night. Then he gets offered the job the next day and
he “can’t wait to be here with me.”

I’m good with fwb, but I don’t want to ruin a long term friendship. I mean,
we have sooo similar personalities and interests. We could be best friends.
We are so similar. I don’t want to fuck up our friendship. We’re both also
very family oriented and know we’re at that point to settle down. Do you
think he’s thinking about me long term? What do I do??? I don’t want to ruin
a good friendship!

I really cannot know if he is thinking about things long-term with you, that’s just something you have to find out for yourself through talks and informal discussions about life and what he’s looking for out of his relationships. You said you’re ready to settle down, and if he’s at that stage in his life then it just may be that he’s out of the “man-whore” phase and is in fact looking for a life-long companion.

I’m not a person to believe in fate, but it does intrigue me that you have been traveling throughout the country and settling in the same states. I can see why you wouldn’t want to ruin the friendship you two share, because you’re in a State where I doubt you know many people that are long-term friends, and he’s there as a comfort–almost a window to your social life back home. The best method for you to follow is to just see him as a friend for now and see what type of person he has turned into, because people do change immensely over the years and maybe you’ll be impressed with what he has grown to be. I always believed that the most important part of finding a partner (not simply a fwb, but something more serious) is personality. If you two are compatible and do no argue over small matters then there is room to grow. You two, on the other hand, have a good history that you share together, you have similar interests, you like each others’ personalities, and you know how one another is in bed. There isn’t much that is in the way of you two to beginning a good and healthy relationship. Fearing that a relationship may ruin what you two share as friends is understandable, but at the same time quite ridiculous if it is stopping you two from having a healthy and formal relationship that is based on something much more than just friendship.

It’s best of course to take things a little slow and see what he thinks on the subject by simply communicating with him and hanging out with him on a regular basis. Try to see what his intentions are and if he is really ready to settle down and be with someone who isn’t there just for an occasional sex-call. But then again, you aren’t against being his fwb. So it’s most important now for you to really know exactly what you want before approaching the subject in any other manner, because it is indecisiveness that always ruins friendships or even fwb relationships. So once you’ve got your own intentions in order and have sort of felt out what he is interested in, only then move forward with actions that will garner the final outcome you are looking for, whether it’s a fwb relationship or something more serious.

You two having slept together in the past, I believe that it is bound to repeat again and I highly doubt that things will remain strictly platonic. So just try to decipher what you want, and seek out what it is he is looking for, and make your best attempt to start something that will not take you apart but bring you closer together.


  • Michelle said:

    Sounds like destiny to me. this is a great opportunity for you and i don’t think you should miss out on it!

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  • LOvelyBunny said:

    Robby helped me out and he knows his stuff. Go on some dates and feel him out as he says. it’s amazing to see that he’s there and you have a great chance to start something that can grow to something very fun and long-lasting. I think there is not much debate here that you two are meant to be.

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    Robby G Reply:

    @LovelyBunny: Thanks for the kind words.

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  • RM said:

    Hey Robby G!

    Thanks for the reply! I totally agree with going slow because I’m not a very slow person and often I think that’s exactly why I end up not having emotional attachments. Here’s the problem – although we’ve known each other for years, the hooking up happened fast. It took nothing for him to sleep with me, but then at the same time the contact between each other was far and few. He never replied to my texts even when I was in town (we lived about an hour apart in Colorado.) I’m realistic enough to realize that if you’re into someone, then he’d answer to my texts. He was really busy working tons of hours to pay for student loans and even put up on Facebook how sorry he was that he didn’t get to hang out with people bc of it and wants to hang out more now that he’s moving, but you know if he wanted more than an occasional sex session then he’d have made it happen with me. Anytime I heard from him was he was in town and eventually to hook up (and I had a bf and couldn’t…but he could’ve seen that on fb??) and then I moved and broke up with bf and he got a job where I live now. So…why all of a sudden that he had a real job that he’s all interested in us getting close and couldn’t even sleep with me like a fwb should (before his interview)? That’s what’s confusing. I know it’s bound to happen that we eventually sleep together again and you are so right about being indecisive and ruining everything…but guys are guys. How do I know he’s not just alone in a new city and looking to have sex until he meets someone else? I think it’s unfair of him to be agreeing to the fate thing if that might not be his intention. So that also puts me in the position to treat him as a fwb when maybe it’s not his intention but after our history it seems likely. I mean, would us even hooking up again just be too complicated for our friendship now that it’s more likely for us to hang our bc we don’t know many people? It seems like more trouble than it’s worth…or is it? I guess the whole not texting me back thing bugs me…

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @RM: Do not over-think this. You may be right about the notion that he is lonely in a new city and you are the only person who he knows from back home, which is comforting for him, but at the same time he is probably looking to meet new people (including women) because it’s always exciting. Best thing is to probably let time take its course and see how things turn out. Just do not rush things and that way everything should fall into place. Right now you are clearly reading too much into him not answering a text, which is something you shouldn’t put so much weight on. Next time just give him a call instead of a text and see what he says, the way a person speaks on the phone you can easily pick up on what his mood is like, how he feels about hearing your voice, and if he’s in a rush to get off the phone with you or not.

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