Fuck Buddies with Unresolved Resentment
Okay so I have this guy, we have been on & off fuck buddies for about a year.
Maybe a little over, and when I say on/off, I mean we had stages where we had no
contact for a few months at a time.
Started as a drunk thing, and I wasn’t expecting him to even contact me the
next day but he made all the first moves, asking around for my number
Initially it was just harmless sex, until my stupid heart got the better of me
and I started having feelings for him.
I’m not good at talking about feelings, I get nervous and would drop my balls
every time I tried. Then I would drink and all this stuff I had bottled up and
built up resentment would come out aggressively through drunken texts and calls,
and I would end the relationship with some stupid confusing drunk text. And he
would always chase me, come and find me, or tell me that he liked me back and
he really cared about me so I would end up in his bed that night.
Then we would wake up the next day and never talk about it again, so it was
always unsolved problems. This would happen every weekend for 3months at a
time. Eventually I had to end it with him, I said I can’t sleep with someone I
have feelings for, he would say something like “okay well that sucks I really
do like you but okay I understand” which would just mind fuck me because I
don’t understand what that means. So I guess he got sick of the drama that would
happen every weekend. He asked me out one night while we were arguing, but I said
no because we were fighting and had been drinking, I wanted to wait till the
morning to talk about it properly, but he never brought it up again. And he
says now that I rejected him whenever I bring up the bf/gf topic. So anyway we
are talking again, fucking again. And a lot, all the time.
We text everyday all day but the conversation is rather dry and
boring unless is sexual or flirty banter. I’ve told him that I like him a lot,
and that I’m looking for something stable, and that I want what we are doing to
maybe lead to something (through text). He says he likes me too, and that he is
ready for a commitment but then he never talks about it any further. He goes out
of his way to see me, does things like cooking me breakfast, and it’s doesn’t
always have to be sex but we both have high sex drives so I guess it just
happens unless it’s that time of the month, but he will still just come
sleepover. So you may be thinking it should be simple he likes you, and yes he
shows it in actions. But little things like cuddling, and holding hands and pda
and sending kissy faces and all that soapy stuff females crave, he doesn’t do
at all. I feel like if I text him tomorrow and said I was done he would just
say okay. We will talk about not seeing other people, and he will say something
like “you don’t have to worry about me seeing other people because I can’t pull anyway”
which I mean wtf that is NOT the answer I want. He is a very simple man, doesn’t say much.
I guess I just want some advice on if you think we are on the same page? How can I test?
I was thinking of asking him out and if he said no then I would end the
relationship but I haven’t found the right time. It’s also hard because my friends
don’t like him because of all the shit they have seen me deal with (sleeping
with other girls, telling his boys he doesn’t care about me, not this time but
in the past) ugh so confused. Please help and let me know what you think about
the situation. Oh and I will admit I have seen a few other people while we have
been seeing each other because I’m scared to be 100 percent committed when I’m
unsure if he would, and also like the idea that he doesn’t want to have me as a gf.
So this is what you get when you know I’d basically do anything for you.
(Naughty I know because I would kill him if I found out he was doing
The same) guess it’s my way of trying to safeguard myself. They other boys I’ve
seen all wanted relationships with me so I was getting that affection I so badly
want. And he is extremely jealous if he sees or hears about me being around
other boys. He says he just wants me to be happy and that he feels like he’s
holding me back because I’m a bit of a party animal and he’s not, but I have
told him I would give it up just like that. So many mixed messages, built up
resentment and anger and history! Help please And thank you 🙂
One Way Street
I had a situation when I was dealing with a girl and the circumstance was quite similar to yours. We started off just sleeping together and then after some time I noticed she was beginning to catch feelings. She knew from the jump what I was about and I wasn’t interested in changing my stance on it simply because the way things were going were right for me and I didn’t see myself being in a relationship at the time. She skewed from speaking on becoming more intimate, but I could see by the way her actions that she was hoping to get involved on a more intimate level. The thing about the situation, from the man’s point of view, is that if I’m getting laid and she’s the one with the emotional attachment, I’m not going to break it off just because I see her struggling to come up with the words to either end it or tell me how she would rather proceed. Particularly when we continue to sleep with one another, I don’t see any issue at hand. It may be that it’s becoming difficult for the girl in her own mind to isolate her emotions and try to focus strictly on the physical aspect, but again, unless she exposes that then there isn’t much of a dilemma from the man’s perspective. However, before you expose yourself completely, there is something you may want to consider, which brings me to my next point.
You mention that you continue to see other men here and there and you do not want to commit without having him commit in return. This is understandable, but you must assess this from his point of view as well. Words are words, but actions speak much louder. You’ve heard this many times before, but if you want any form of change, you must instill change in yourself first and foremost. What happened with my situation was that the girl began to make changes in herself and the way she was living to show me that I am responsible for her change. Truth be told, I found it slightly worrisome, because she would approach it in a manic way with mood swings getting the better of her, which drove me away rather than connected us, nonetheless if she would have done it differently then perhaps things would have taken a different course. Right now he is getting all there is from you without having to be in a relationship. If anything, he’s got the string of your heart, and he’s playing it like a violin. You must not show your vulnerability and you must play on his weakness. I know it sounds slightly off-keel that I’m explaining this in paradigms of game-play, but quite figuratively, that’s what the beginning stages of dating and relationships are based on. What is it that you want that he has? And what is it that you have that he wants? It’s a question of utility, and supply and demand, to put it in more shallow terms. Your tears and woes will not draw him closer to you, and even if they did, would you want your man to pity you or adore and love you?
Washing Away the Blues
I highly suggest that you destroy the resentment you feel and avoid reminiscing on the negatives of your history. I know it’s much easier said than done, but if that’s unresolved then you will not be able to move forward. Try focusing on the positives rather than negatives and realize that people do change; people’s interests change; and people’s understanding of what they want change. With this in mind, try to feel him out rather than put your demands on the table. You said that long ago he said to his boys that he wouldn’t care if you left, but then he acts differently when you break it down to him through drunk texts, revealing that he cares. Many times what boys talk about between boys is different than what they truly feel. Now, keeping that in mind, once you have changed your party-happy ways and stop seeing other men on the side, committing a little more to him, after some time, once the changes sink in, tell him openly to be real with you and to stop playing games. Do not be completely open yourself but rather hear him out. One thing I have learned over the years is that men are more visual creatures while women believe words more. I mention this because if you implement the changes you promise then he will see and believe your strive more than if you just speak on it. On the other hand though, you may want to speak to him and see where he stands with you and if he’s man enough to be honest then he will reveal to you his thoughts. Also, there is history building between you, and though it started off as a fuck-buddy relationship, I’ve many times seen those sort of couples develop into serious, long-term commitments. So know that all is not lost and as long as you act on your promised changes and attempt to keep your outbursts in line then you two may have something solid in the near future.