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Fuck Buddy with Commitment Issues

20 December 2009 9 Comments

I have been seeing a Fuck Buddy for about 2 months. I met him online from
one of the adult swingers web sites. He has made it clear from the
beginning that he is not looking for a girlfriend nor wants to date anyone
because he enjoys his freedom, doesn’t have to answer to anyone and after 2
months in relationships he starts to feel smothered. He is strictly looking
for someone to “have fun” with. We see eachother at least once a week and he
will usually send me a text message every other day or so. From the
beginning of this friendship he always takes me out to lunch/dinner and then
we hook up for sex. A few times we’ve had the sex first and then he takes
me to lunch/dinner. The problem I am having is that I am getting mixed
signals from him. He is very affectionate with me when we are together. He
will kiss me in public and hold my hand on occasion. When we are together
behind closed doors he is very kissey and cuddly. There is alot of holding
each other, runs his fingers through my hair, rubs my back, caressing my
face, wants me to lay in his arms, etc. I asked him if he has feelings for
me and he says he doesn’t. He says he cares about me and likes hanging out
with me and is definately having alot of fun with me. He says he is just not
interested in finding someone for a deeper or more serious relationship at
this point in his life. He says he can seperate the two, having affection
for someone and sharing love but not being in love and having a comitted
relationship. I don’t think he is seeing anyone and he has actually dropped
a few hints here and there that he doesn’t want me seeing anyone else
either. He had mentioned us spending the night together which we did last
night. I hadn’t seen him in about 2 weeks and when I got there he told me it
was good to see me, said I looked good and then gave me this nice big long
kiss and then pulled me down onto his lap and just squeezed me for a few
minutes. We hung out at his place, had a few drinks and he even cooked
dinner on the grill for us. I have mentioned to him about doing other
things outside of the bedroom like going to the movies or bowling and he
says that we can do those things but he likes our relationship just the way
it is. Can men really be this affectionate with a woman they have no
feelings for? I am developing feelings for this guy and would like to see
it move to another level. I’m not sure that I can continue to be “just
friends”. But then I’m wondering if maybe I should just give it some more time
and see if he changes his mind about wanting a relationship. Just not sure
how to read the signals from him. Any advice?

I definitely have some advice for you here! This story may sound familiar to many women out there who may receive mixed signals from a fuck-buddy. He is claiming that he doesn’t want anything serious but his actions may reveal otherwise. The truth is, he is actually being completely honest with you and openly tells you that he’s not interested in being anything more than what you currently are.

What’s the Deal?

Why is he acting this way is none the less most important. He obviously enjoys sleeping with you and he acts affectionate towards you, which is always a good thing. But he doesn’t want to constrain himself into anything where he may start feeling limited. He may not even want to see other people, but just the thought that he won’t be able to see other people if you make him a “boyfriend” is what puts him off. It’s a psychological thing where he will act like a boyfriend and completely feel great about the whole situation, but once you put that “boyfriend” label on him, he will feel suffocated by it. And there’s always the excitement that he doesn’t fully have you and there’s always a chance you may leave from him. And men can really be like children with the notion that we always want what we doesn’t and can’t have, and since you’re not completely his, that acts as element to playing it risky. It may sound a little bizarre and immature, but it’s something many men feel. Because as you can see, he doesn’t say that he’s just not looking for a long-term relationship right now, but he says he would feel smothered by one. It all boils down to having problems with commitment.

Personal Experience

I can really relate to what your “friend” is feeling I think, because I personally have the same type of outlook on relationships many times. I would get interested in a woman, sleep with her, and then for the first bit everything goes fine and we end up turning into fuck-buddies. If she is satisfying, I wouldn’t even look for a new girl and I would even take her out and go on dates. But as soon as she would bring up the topic of relationships, I would stop her and say that I’m happy with what we have. This may seem like sending out mixed messages, but in fact it’s just that I don’t want to feel that I have to answer to someone else at times and would feel forced to incorporate her into my life. The thing is, she would already be incorporated into my life, but the idea that I’ll be “forced” to do it is what gets to me. And clearly when I would practise those freedoms and not call her for a week, the woman wouldn’t have the “rights” to ever confront me about it because we are not necessarily going out as boyfriend/girlfriend. It seems complicated, but as I said, I personally know it’s got everything to do with having issues with committing yourself. On the other hand, there are people with just the opposite problem, and those can’t go without having a girlfriend/boyfriend for more than a week.

Solution

I would just suggest that you keep doing what you’re doing if you’re satisfied with the situation. Try not to question it and if you see that he is actually showing genuine affection then it’s a fact that he has feelings towards you, but turning him into a full-time boyfriend come actually be lethal to those affections. Like he said, it only takes 2 months before all those feelings that are simple and real turn into this feeling that he will be forced to act more like a boyfriend while now he just does it naturally. So I’d advice that you enjoy what you have and embrace it, but don’t try to rationally put everything into traditional forms of what type of relationship you actually have. Feel happy that he’s not putting restrains on you and even though he hints at it, you’re still free to do what you like. Overtime he may grow into you more and you will naturally just perceive each other as if you’re in a full relationship, but that may take months if not years. And when you get to thinking about wanting something more serious, just take comfort in the idea that he actually does have feelings for you and the evidence is clear in the way he acts. It just takes more time for some to be able to commit themselves than others. I hope all goes well!

9 Comments »

  • Butterfly said:

    Thanks Robby! Your explanation of what my friend may be thinking and where he is coming from really helps me better understand his actions. I am going to take your advice and just go with it for now. He may never come around and want the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with me but at least I know not to read to much into it at this point.

  • Robby G (author) said:

    @Butterfly: Glad that I could help. I’m interested at how things will unfold for you. Make sure to fill me in here if there’s any significant changes. Cheers!

  • Richard said:

    You are FBs coz you do not want commitment in the first place…remember?!
    Married dating site for those looking for a married affair, or in a relationship,
    and looking for a marital affair or married dating.
    http://www.marriedandlooking.co.za

  • The confused one said:

    I am going through the same thing, but the only difference is that he does tell me that he has feelings for me, that he likes me a lot and that he cares about me but yet again I have a feeling that he does not want anything more than we are now (which is the whole scenario you just explained). I am fine with what we are not but I am extremely confused. Some advice please? Thanks!

  • butterfly said:

    I continued seeing this person for another 4 months after I originally psoted on here. My feelings grew for him and I wanted more from him then just Friends With Benefits. I told him I wanted more and his reply was that he could never give me what I want. I stopped seeing him and he basically let me go. At first he tried to keep in touch still wanting me to have sex with him but when I reminded him that I wanted more he stopped contacting me. If he says and acts like he doesn’t want a relationship then he doesn’t. Actions always speak louder than words. My regret is that I allowed my feelings to grow for him and that I actually believed that he did have some feelings for me. If he did then I don’t think he would of let me go.

  • Debby said:

    i totally relate to your issues here and teh experience you have gone through,,dont give up hope, he will come back and realise just what you meant to him. i met my guy 2 yrs ago and we were only ever fbuddies, but 6 mnths into it he started talking about our future goals and what each was wanting, but as soon as i said i wanted relationship after my kids left home, then things went sour. He was with a woman before me and were dating/relationship but she wanted what he didnt, like kids and marriage, she left him and i think he was very hurt by this and now commitment scared as it complicates things to get too emotionally involved. If sent me a txt msg and told me that he is very sorry for messing around with my feelings, that he didnt have those deep meaningful feelings for me, just loved the wild times. after a few hit and misses of breaking up he did move on and ignore my txt msgs.he was gone for 6 mnths, i still couldnt get him out of my head or heart although i went on to date others, but no one lived up to the standards i was used to. he sent me an email out of the blue and we just emailed for 2 mnths before i would let him back into my bed and heart. He agreed we just have a special connection that he hasnt been able to find in another and often thought about me , he missed what we shared. Its now been a further 6 mnths of seeing each other but with rules. He says he loves me and along with that comes respect and consideration. He stood me up one night and didnt txt to say he met up with mate at pub and time got away, just the next night with a lame excuse that he then worked all day on the sunday and just got credit. I then told him not to bother coming around again if you are going to fuck with my head again,,you are either for it or i move on and start dating the guy you asked me to leave to take you back. So ,, we are now in a fbuddy/friends exclusive relationship ๐Ÿ™‚ he even gets a lil insecure if i say i going away for teh wkend and we wont get to meet up,,he rings me the very night i am home to check in. My thoughts here is he did have deep feelings for me before but had emotionally detached himself in fear of being hurt again,,and as soon as i put that pressure on him to be bf/gf he backed away. was too much too soon and so i let him go to play and see whether life would be better with another or without me. Time has proven it wasnt and he now knows what he wants and who he wants,,ME ๐Ÿ™‚ hang in there,,if its meant to work out it will, but dont sit around waiting for it, go out and enjoy the world too ๐Ÿ™‚

  • butterfly said:

    Thanks for your comment Debby and I hope your situation works out for you. As for mine – its now been 13 months since I ended the FWB arrangement with my guy. I do still get texts from him like every 3 months. He asks how I’m doing and that he misses me and the “fun” times we had. Says he doesn’t understand why we can’t continue being FWB until I find someone to have a real relationship with. ???? When I tell him I’d like to have a real relationship with him he reminds me that he doesn’t have time or want a GF. I personally think he contacts me every 3 months because he is merely looking for a warm body and doesn’t have anyone else. We were comfortable with eachother and knew how to please one another. I still think of him every day and I miss him a lot. My heart tells me one thing but my head tells me another. And while a part of me tells me to see him again and in time he will grow to fall in love with me my head tells me the statistics and chances of that ever happening are slim and I just can’t bring myself to putting my heart out there only for it to be broken.

  • Debby said:

    I hear you there, and yes its hard when the heart rules over the head and a risk of being hurt. He has told you what it is, and actions are what we have to go by, not the mere words they utter. this i am still adjusting to as i know its just physical and may never grow into more. atm its all i have to settle on as relationship material is short to come by in another. I just live my life as i would normally as though he is not here and fit him in when it suits me, and not the other way around. Afraid that if another does come along that wants more then it will be his loss as i will grow tired of just the sex. Anyways, we all cope in our own ways,,for me i happy to play his game till my options are open and i am ready for relationship. Atm i just content with how things are. I have mates to go out with but would be nice with him, but i guess that complicates the fun times with emotional relationship /dating issues and this he doesnt want, and i guess i dont want either. have my career to continue with and my training for marathons, life is full and not sure i could cope with anything too serious.

  • Devilyn said:

    I’m in almost the same boat. My neighbor (who’s a divorced and 25 years older then me) would pay attention to me and would sometimes try and hold my hand. He knew I was in a relationship (although a bad one aka abusive) and I would leave as soon as he’d try and touch me or anything of the sort.
    Not long after that, I had to end my relationship and I moved away. I would visit on the weekends sometimes. At first it was to visit my old neighbors (they have this one garage where that his brother owned and a bunch of people would gather and drink, watch a the game, play music or chit chat)
    He again started to get affectionate (sitting by me, having an arm over my shoulder, stealing a kiss on my cheek, holding my hand, playing with my hair, making me meals, smile and wink when ever I glanced over at him ect…)We’d make out a few times, then eventually started to sleep with each other. The first time we did the deed I went to gather my things and leave thinking it was a one night stand type of thing, but he asked me to stay the night with him and we’ve been this way ever since. This has been going on for almost a year. Always on the weekends because of work, children and other responsibilities.
    Everyone seems to think we’re boyfriend and girlfriend, even his family who he’s introduced me to. Depending on who it is I correct them that we’re aren’t seeing one another and he seems hurt by it.
    We don’t have contact with one another until the weekend. Our kids (both from separate relationship) get along well (his is 16 and mine is 3) And he interacts with my daughter as well as I do with his son.
    He’s a very nice man, very family orientated, successful, compassionate, more energetic, positive, friendly and intelligent than anyone I’ve been in a relationship with.

    I would like to ask him if he’s interested in being in a real relationship, but am unsure if he’s on the same page.
    Would it be best to just flat out ask? Or are there hints or other questions I should ask instead of being so straight forward? It was so much more easier with the stupid eager guys! This is all new territory for me!


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