I have been seeing a Fuck Buddy for about 2 months. I met him online from
one of the adult swingers web sites. He has made it clear from the
beginning that he is not looking for a girlfriend nor wants to date anyone
because he enjoys his freedom, doesn’t have to answer to anyone and after 2
months in relationships he starts to feel smothered. He is strictly looking
for someone to “have fun” with. We see eachother at least once a week and he
will usually send me a text message every other day or so. From the
beginning of this friendship he always takes me out to lunch/dinner and then
we hook up for sex. A few times we’ve had the sex first and then he takes
me to lunch/dinner. The problem I am having is that I am getting mixed
signals from him. He is very affectionate with me when we are together. He
will kiss me in public and hold my hand on occasion. When we are together
behind closed doors he is very kissey and cuddly. There is alot of holding
each other, runs his fingers through my hair, rubs my back, caressing my
face, wants me to lay in his arms, etc. I asked him if he has feelings for
me and he says he doesn’t. He says he cares about me and likes hanging out
with me and is definately having alot of fun with me. He says he is just not
interested in finding someone for a deeper or more serious relationship at
this point in his life. He says he can seperate the two, having affection
for someone and sharing love but not being in love and having a comitted
relationship. I don’t think he is seeing anyone and he has actually dropped
a few hints here and there that he doesn’t want me seeing anyone else
either. He had mentioned us spending the night together which we did last
night. I hadn’t seen him in about 2 weeks and when I got there he told me it
was good to see me, said I looked good and then gave me this nice big long
kiss and then pulled me down onto his lap and just squeezed me for a few
minutes. We hung out at his place, had a few drinks and he even cooked
dinner on the grill for us. I have mentioned to him about doing other
things outside of the bedroom like going to the movies or bowling and he
says that we can do those things but he likes our relationship just the way
it is. Can men really be this affectionate with a woman they have no
feelings for? I am developing feelings for this guy and would like to see
it move to another level. I’m not sure that I can continue to be “just
friends”. But then I’m wondering if maybe I should just give it some more time
and see if he changes his mind about wanting a relationship. Just not sure
how to read the signals from him. Any advice?

I definitely have some advice for you here! This story may sound familiar to many women out there who may receive mixed signals from a fuck-buddy. He is claiming that he doesn’t want anything serious but his actions may reveal otherwise. The truth is, he is actually being completely honest with you and openly tells you that he’s not interested in being anything more than what you currently are.

What’s the Deal?

Why is he acting this way is none the less most important. He obviously enjoys sleeping with you and he acts affectionate towards you, which is always a good thing. But he doesn’t want to constrain himself into anything where he may start feeling limited. He may not even want to see other people, but just the thought that he won’t be able to see other people if you make him a “boyfriend” is what puts him off. It’s a psychological thing where he will act like a boyfriend and completely feel great about the whole situation, but once you put that “boyfriend” label on him, he will feel suffocated by it. And there’s always the excitement that he doesn’t fully have you and there’s always a chance you may leave from him. And men can really be like children with the notion that we always want what we doesn’t and can’t have, and since you’re not completely his, that acts as element to playing it risky. It may sound a little bizarre and immature, but it’s something many men feel. Because as you can see, he doesn’t say that he’s just not looking for a long-term relationship right now, but he says he would feel smothered by one. It all boils down to having problems with commitment.

Personal Experience

I can really relate to what your “friend” is feeling I think, because I personally have the same type of outlook on relationships many times. I would get interested in a woman, sleep with her, and then for the first bit everything goes fine and we end up turning into fuck-buddies. If she is satisfying, I wouldn’t even look for a new girl and I would even take her out and go on dates. But as soon as she would bring up the topic of relationships, I would stop her and say that I’m happy with what we have. This may seem like sending out mixed messages, but in fact it’s just that I don’t want to feel that I have to answer to someone else at times and would feel forced to incorporate her into my life. The thing is, she would already be incorporated into my life, but the idea that I’ll be “forced” to do it is what gets to me. And clearly when I would practise those freedoms and not call her for a week, the woman wouldn’t have the “rights” to ever confront me about it because we are not necessarily going out as boyfriend/girlfriend. It seems complicated, but as I said, I personally know it’s got everything to do with having issues with committing yourself. On the other hand, there are people with just the opposite problem, and those can’t go without having a girlfriend/boyfriend for more than a week.

Solution

I would just suggest that you keep doing what you’re doing if you’re satisfied with the situation. Try not to question it and if you see that he is actually showing genuine affection then it’s a fact that he has feelings towards you, but turning him into a full-time boyfriend come actually be lethal to those affections. Like he said, it only takes 2 months before all those feelings that are simple and real turn into this feeling that he will be forced to act more like a boyfriend while now he just does it naturally. So I’d advice that you enjoy what you have and embrace it, but don’t try to rationally put everything into traditional forms of what type of relationship you actually have. Feel happy that he’s not putting restrains on you and even though he hints at it, you’re still free to do what you like. Overtime he may grow into you more and you will naturally just perceive each other as if you’re in a full relationship, but that may take months if not years. And when you get to thinking about wanting something more serious, just take comfort in the idea that he actually does have feelings for you and the evidence is clear in the way he acts. It just takes more time for some to be able to commit themselves than others. I hope all goes well!

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