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Get Over that Wretched Feeling of Jealousy

6 February 2010 6 Comments

So I was surfing the web and came across your blog and must say I have
enjoyed reading it. I have recently (few months) gotten back together with
my old fb from years ago. He decided to end it back then but we kept in
touch over the years talking off and on. I always let him call me. He
happened to call me up this fall and we started talking regular for a while
until we ended up back as fuck buddies. We are totally cool talking about
everything (even the hot clerk at the store) but until now it hasn’t
bothered me (which that doesn’t). But also until now, besides his baby
mama, I have been his only encounter and he mine. I felt we were getting too
regular meeting up 3 times a week plus him calling a lot, so when I got
sick, I took it as an opportunity for us to back off a little. To make a
long story shorter, by fate (the weather), it ended up being a week and a
half break. He ended up having a one night stand and called to tell me the
next day (instead of us meeting up). I got mad after talking and have been
jealous ever since. But I don’t know why I am jealous. I don’t want to
be, and I don’t feel I should. I have been perfect at checking my feelings
until now. We will never date so I am totally confused. The only thing I can
think of is I was positive he was clean before but can’t be now. But I
don’t think that is it. I was hoping you might have some insight to help
me reel my feelings back into check.

Thanks so much for your blog it has been insightful.


One of the biggest problems most people in a fuck buddy relationship go through is starting to feel jealousy when their fuck buddy sees other people while they are sleeping with them at the same time. It’s difficult to deal with sometimes because you tend to share some sort of history and when they tell you they had a one-night stand with someone else, your mind begins to think that what you share means nothing to that person because he can simply go ahead and sleep with someone else without even having to have any real liking to that other person.

Jealousy is very hard to deal with and some are more jealous than others, but there are never the less ways to deal with any level of jealousy. Here are some methods that can help you deal with jealousy.

Logic

Try to analyze the situation with a clear mind and rationally. Put your emotions off to the side and just think logically. Think things like, “Why am I jealous? Should I even be jealous? Is he worth being jealous over?” and so on. If you cannot come up with any real reasons to why you are jealous and feel like you should not be jealous and instead completely indifferent to him, then you should try the next method.

Find His Flaws

I know this doesn’t sound ethical, but when you’re desperate to stop feeling jealous, it may sometimes help to think about all of his flaws and force yourself to dislike him. If you’re willing to stop your relationship with him and being emotionally indifferent about him isn’t working, it could be time to make yourself hate him. Think about all the flaws you can find about him and focus on that. Over time those are going to the only things you will see in him and won’t care at all about what he does with other women.

Find Closure

If hating him still doesn’t work and you still think about him and feel jealous that he sleeps with other women, you should give yourself some distance and then finally when you are no longer capable of withstanding the distance and wondering constantly what he’s up to and if he’s with other women, then it is time to find closure. I once was in this situation and when neither ‘logic’ nor ‘finding her flaws’ worked, I convinced myself that once I’ll get to talk to her a final time before forever forgetting about her, (because I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle staying with her) all I required was finding closure. I spoke to her, I saw that there was still a connection, but I immediately removed her from her high-horse in my mind and created a bigger image of myself. I tried to distance myself from her in my mind during the time we met and that is what I focused on the entire night we spent out. So I advise switching this image you have created of him in your mind and moving away from that, believing you are stronger than a mere feeling of jealousy.

Onto the Next One

Finally, you need to go out and find new men that are opposite to him. Do not try to find guys that are either similar in character or similar looking to him, try to find men that are on the completely opposite side of the stick. Beginning to like a different type of man will inevitably make you forget about him and wonder why you’ve ever even felt any form of jealousy for that man. Eventually, you’ll be able to move on and enjoy trying to find a good time in a different type of man who may end up much better for you in the future.

If you are satisfied with my advice, you can help keep the blog alive with a kind donation. Thank you!

6 Comments »

  • Marie said:

    Hi Robby!

    Thank you so much for your response. I guess this has really been my first fb encounter as he and I were never really steady fuck buddies way back when so I didn’t exactly know how to go about it.

    I took your advice in taking a step back. When I became jealous, I was also thinking about him too much. I took the time to chill out and started thinking about his flaws. I also cut back on our conversations on the phone, and stopped doing any initiating. I have also been out and about looking at new guys (but only looking). It has seemed to help a lot.

    But I think I am getting better at the whole fuck buddy concept. It’s hard to keep that separation sometimes because of the things he says. But I try to approach him as just a chill friend. Ok here is a weird example of something he did last week: He called to talk while at work and told me how much he wanted me to come over and then mentioned the one-night-stand was stalking him but he only wanted me. But I laughed it off because I felt like “I told you so.” He also asked me while I was over if he could call me his fuck buddy. I thought it was an odd question. All I could respond was that was what I thought we were. It seemed like he wanted to put his stamp on me or mention about me to someone. Do you think that is odd or is it just me? (Maybe a newbie thing…?)

    Sorry for the long response. Thanks again for the advice! I am so glad I found your blog(?) I have really learned a lot!!

  • Robby G (author) said:

    @Marie: Laughing it off in that situation was the right move. You show him that you don’t care about it yet you prove that you were right about it either way. The fact that he asked you if he could call you his “fuck buddy” is in fact a weird question, I must say (it’s not just you who thinks so). I think he said it just to make sure that label is there and is a newbie error rather than making sure that you are aware that he just perceives you as a fuck buddy…because there are much better ways of making sure that you know that you 2 are fuck buddies than the way he did it. I don’t think he is too familiar with how fuck-buddy relationships work and is just testing the waters with you, because with what you’ve explained, he’s not really a ‘natural’ in the whole thing. But either way, you’re doing everything right so far and hope you keep it up.

    I also like that you took the advice of taking a step back and taking a more chills approach to the situation. I’m sure it helped you see things clearer for yourself as well.

    Keep me posted,
    Cheers.

  • Marie said:

    Hi Robby!

    So you say “Keep me posted” to most of your readers but I figured it was worth a shot and to ask another quick question of you. I actually did get over my jealousy, although it took me some time to totally pull it off. Actually seeing him and someone I am mutually “using” and doing some initiating (instead of always being pursued) has really gotten me where I want to be. Although, we had a two and a half week dry spell which just about undid all my progress and just about killed me (haha!). But I reminded myself it was about what I wanted not who I wanted. I tell you I had never really tried this kind of relationship, but I am really enjoying it and enjoying all the benefits.

    Ok (not really) quick question.
    He has made a big FB no-no! He has told me he loves me. I don’t get it. The first time he explained himself saying: I get him, he can tell me his drama, and I listen without judging. He said it was friendly love (home-girl). I laughed it off in a way and tried to move the convo on (not knowing what to do). But I really didn’t think much of it since it was all friendly. Then, the next time, in the middle of the “moment,” he asked me if I loved him. I thought a second and asked how? He said in any way. So I said I wouldn’t care and worry about him if I didn’t. He then asked: “Like a home-boy?” and I said yes. Then he said he loved me too. I wasn’t lying I do worry about him sometimes ect. I have love (concern/care) for him but I don’t “love” him. This was before our “drought” so I just dismissed it. We finally got up this weekend both nights, but the second night again in the moment he said “I love you baby”. I don’t know if it is something he thinks I want to hear, or a habit for him, or what, but it totally threw the rest of my night off. It’s not like he’s new to getting it on or keeping things casual, but you may be right that he is new to this long-term fb thing. Heck I am too, but I thought it was going well till this came up. I have never returned the words because I don’t feel the urge or need to. It’s making me feel more reserved and much less open with him and it’s somewhat ruining the reason we get together for me. I am so lost as to what in the world to say or do. I have treaded into territory I have no idea how to deal with or get out of…. Maybe you or someone might have an idea of what to do? I don’t want to run yet but this is not fun either!

    Thanks so much for everything you do with this blog!

  • Robby G (author) said:

    @Marie: This is the worst thing that can happen when you want someone to be just your fuck-buddy. All this talk of love is guaranteed not be just a home-girl thing anymore, especially in the moments he chooses to use it. They’re not just slipping out, he seriously means it. In these instances, whatever you do will end up hurting him, unless of course you return the love. But since you don’t feel the same love for him it will be difficult to not completely destroy him. The only method I could think of, which I know would work on me if I ever was in his situation is if the girl changed the way she acts into something that I find repulsive. This may end your overall fuck-buddy relationship with him, but at least no one will be as hurt in the end. Figure out the characteristics in a girl that purely disgusts him, for example, trash-talking sluts or clingy girls that constantly call him or depressive girls that always ruin the mood, and incorporate that when you are around him. He will discover “the real you” and will reassess his love for you. This way he will not get too hurt but at the same time you may lose a fuck-buddy. So it really depends on what you want to accomplish now.

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  • Shaun said:

    “Find His Flaws

    I know this doesn’t sound ethical, but when you’re desperate to stop feeling jealous, it may sometimes help to think about all of his flaws and force yourself to dislike him. If you’re willing to stop your relationship with him and being emotionally indifferent about him isn’t working, it could be time to make yourself hate him. Think about all the flaws you can find about him and focus on that. Over time those are going to the only things you will see in him and won’t care at all about what he does with other women.”

    Id like to say that this is terrible advice. If you are feeling jealous of you’re fuck buddy, then there is clearly more then a friends with benefits relationship at work. Forcing yourself to hate your fuck buddy will just make you feel terrible. Not only will you have lost them as a sexual partner, you will have lost them as a friend. But its of course, this column is aimed at women. And of course, woe betide any man that gets in the way of a jealous woman. If a man did this to a woman, she would probably inform local papers and request a public castration. But its perfectly okay for a woman to do this to a man.

    Typical.

    Appalling advice, you have no business writing columns of this nature.


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