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Give Him a Chance and You May be Pleasantly Surprised

1 February 2012 4 Comments

Hi Robby,

I love the way you give advice when I wrote you about my love problem in the
past (Pursued by a Married Man). Everything you said was an eye opener.

I am confused again this time with a new guy. He was someone I met
more than 4 years ago. We went out on a date, had dinner then he took me to the
movies. During the dinner, he was really ok to speak with and acted like a real
gentleman but when we went inside the movies, he kissed and touched me everywhere.
The kiss was so passionate and good that I allowed him to kiss me more and there
were some touching and so on but that was it. He invited me for a second date
and this time, right after the date, we had sex. Afterwards, he hinted on
wanting to see me again, and I said yes but when I went home, I felt sad,
because it was the first time I did it with a guy who was not my bf. And mostly,
I felt attracted to him yet I can see he only wanted to get laid with me. When
he asked me out for the third time, I decided not to respond, deleted his number
and removed his messenger ID from my list. And as I lost touch with him for 4
years although during those time span, I would randomly receive offline messages
from him every once in a while. I had not been able to log on to my messenger
for quite a long time, so I was able to move on from him and forget about what I
felt for him. And because I was so ashamed that I gave in to a stranger, I was
hoping he won’t see me again.

Just last December 31st, eve of new year, I was able to get online to keep in
touch with my sister until I got an IM from a guy. I still recognized his ID
though, and yes he was the guy I hooked-up 4 yrs back so I decided that I would
pretend to have forgotten him. He gave me a video call and I answered it. He
smiled while he was trying to introduced himself again to me and since I told
him I don’t remember anymore, he told me about what we did during our
dates back then. I felt stupid telling him I don’t remember so I just
said “yeah I remember you”–and
there–we were able to sort of..pick up things where we left of.
We spoke for 5 hours trying to reconnect whatever was disconnected between us.
After he found out that I’m still single, he offered me a real
relationship saying “will you be my girlfriend” I told him that
if I am to be in a relationship at this point, I don’t want playing
games and I don’t want to be involved with a taken/married guy. He
assured me that he’s not in a relationship nor married so, finally on January
1st 2012, I said yes and we’re already a couple. By the way he’s assigned
to Africa because of his work so we decided to keep in touch online. When
I’m at work, we do it through emails/IM and during week-ends, we video
chat through Skype.
During our first week as a couple, everything was ok despite the distance. But
somehow, something’s bothering me but I just can’t tell
directly. All I understood was that his plans when he comes back only revolve
around what are we going to do in bed. He keeps on talking about sex. He would
keep on telling me how I managed to stay beautiful and sexy and that we will do
a lot of stuff in bed. At first, I tried to understand him that he’s
just lonely and he is hungry of some intimacy (he doesn’t have any
chance to go out with girls in Africa because he’s doesn’t feel
secure). What’s bothering me more is that he keeps on telling me to get
naked or at least expose some of my body parts while we are doing video chat. 1
time, I obliged. But after that, I firmly said no. I explained to him my reasons
and then he would ask me to at least wear something sexy. Sometimes I do that
but most of the time I don’t. He said that he’s serious about
his relationship with me. I want to believe but I’m scared. Sometimes,
he would tell me about his plans in having a family with me but when he starts
asking me to get naked while we video chat, it makes me worried. He is sweet and
I can feel that he’s sincere but sometimes I doubt him.

Do you think this kind of guy is really serious about our relationship?

From your description, he sounds like a very decent guy who is serious about your relationship and is very comfortable with everything you two share. I’ll be honest, when I read that you deleted his number and his email from your messenger account just because you slept with him while he wasn’t your boyfriend, I found it extremely odd. There are times that two people sleep with each other before making it official, and when they see they are compatible, they continue dating and that gradually evolves into a relationship. He must have been very confused as to why you deleted him, because he clearly still felt something for you. Now that you have reemerged into his life, he feels like those feelings he had for you have returned.

Now that he is in Africa, it is only natural that he would ask you to dress sexy or put on a virtual show for him, because he is in fact lonely there. It is quite early into your relationship so it is very unfortunate that he had to leave on business already, but at least he is trying to be faithful and as open with you as possible. Also, being sexual over Skype is another way for him to let you know that there isn’t anything for you to worry about concerning him being faithful to you. If he would not have asked you to dress sexual or given you compliments about you looking good, you may have questions about whether or not he is seeing anyone else over there.

The main problem with your relationship is that you two have not yet learned all there is about each other and do not know all of your likes/dislikes. There might be somethings that he may feel are appropriate when it comes to your relationship which you may not feel is okay when you have only been with each other for a few weeks. He does seem like a committed guy who you can develop a relationship with. You have to give him a chance, however, and not drive him away by thinking unapprovingly of him from the start without having any concrete reason to why. You have left him in the dark once without giving him any reason as to why, so try not to make the same mistake again. Be open with him but do not do anything against your own will. Basically, try to see things from his perspective and you will see that he probably just really misses you and wants to have your relationship grow into something very meaningful.


  • jee said:

    Hi Robby, thank you once again for the response. I have asked advices from my girl friends but reading your response, it really refreshing see things from a guy’s perspective. In fact, 95% of what you said in your advice are also the same things he has been telling me. He keeps on telling me that I should be thankful that I am the only one he wants to see naked and that he is not interested of any other girls body.

    Anyway, the explanation behind me deleting his number and messsenger ID after we slept has something to do with our culture. You see, here in our country (I’ll tell you where,in the email), most people still find pre-marital sex as something taboo or inappropriate, and so, the more people think of having sex with someone you’re not in a relationship with as something very unacceptable. Although despite having that culture and mindset, there are a lot of people doing premarital sex or worse,one night stand, even teen-agers do it, so personally, I find it hypocritical. But then, as a woman, I still value being pursued by a man in a proper way and i still find it ideal that 2 people will be official first before having any sort of intimacy (perhaps our culture again, taught me to think this way). Oh and sorry for the confusion. He was already in Africa before December of 2011 so that also explains why we are only together or communicating online since day 1.

    Something happened recently though. Last Friday, he told me he is going to change his cellphone number. Then last Sunday, he said he’s going to be transferred to a different room (by the way, his company gives him free accomodation and food so he will be in a new room with no internet connection)so we won’t be chatting for around 3 wks to 1 month. I find it strange because i know it only takes days for the internet to be installed. So he asked me to get naked again for the last time before we loose contact for 1 month. I gave in but only up to the point of wearing something sexy. He kept on asking/begging me to get naked (like he usually does)and like I also usually do, I promised him that I would make it up to him in person, when he comes back. He was disappointed and told me that since i declined him, he would just watch porn. I dont know why but I asked him if he finds a girl who is willing to do everything on cam, would he replace me with that girl. He answered, “Let’s see. I’m not thinking of it now though.” Then I asked again, “but there is a possibility that it would happen, right?” and he answered “thats the risk that you have to take”. There, I was dumbfounded. His answer stabbed me like a knife, then I answered back “Ok, and I understand. But it will also prove wether or not your love and promises to me are true” and he said “Yes”.

    I also felt that he doesnt want to share some of his personal stuff…like pictures. Because there was a time he transferred some pictures from his flashdrive to his laptop but then when I asked him for his picture, he gave me a something he took from one of the places he went, which means he was not on that picture. I asked for HIS picture once again but he answered that he left most of it back home. But when I said I can’t access my facebook, he asked for my password and he will check if he can sign it in on his end.

    Why all the sudden changes? My friends told me to give him some sort of reassurance and trust because he may have felt that I don’t trust him. I’d love to but I don’t know if I can still “hold on that tight”. I can give him trust, butYet, I really don’t want to loose him. I’m confused again. (Oh Robby I hope you can forgive me from being confused all the time lol.

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Jee: You definitely should give him some reassurance if you don’t want to lose him. The problem with trusting someone, is that it’s not just a matter of words, you must show it with your actions. Currently, he cannot give you anymore security than he already is just because of the long distance between you, however, I think you should take things a little easy and not concentrate too heavily on what WILL happen and stay in tune with what IS happening.
    A big issue women have concerning new relationships is that they act like everything in life stops and life fully centers around a relationship. You must try and enjoy other things in life while allowing your relationship to steadily work itself out. In this case you are unable to really control much because he is so far away and now doesn’t even have internet connection, and that shouldn’t worry you.
    This gives you a chance to explore other aspects of life while thinking positively about your new boyfriend. Imagine that he will return soon and things will be great, and that should drive you to continue your life in a positive way while having personal assurance that he’s a great guy who you won’t lose unless you yourself push him out of your life. It’s a new relationship so it shouldn’t have that much baring on you. Talk to him once a day on the phone at night and live your life, don’t get into any arguments and see how things go once he returns.

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  • jee said:

    **I can give him trust definitely but I also need security and nurturing. (sorry for the typo)

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  • jee said:

    Thanks again Robby. I’m trying to do everything that I can and follow your advice. I’ll let you know i everything works. 🙂

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