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Going Back to Being Friends Without Benefits

30 March 2010 2 Comments

Hi Robby,

I really enjoy reading your blog. I have a friend who became my fuck-buddy
by chance. At first I was fine with it, but little by little I started
developing feelings for him. He got upset because I told some of our friends
and it got back to him, and he stopped coming over, stopped responding to my
messages and completely ignores me in public. When I confronted him, he told
me that we should take it slow. So I ignored him for a while and he came to
me one night and we had sex again. This time he wanted us to be exclusive.
So I agreed.
When I asked to hang out outside of the bedroom, he always said he was too
busy. Finally, when he kept cancelling on me at the last minute, I told him
we should be just friends and he kept saying how he no longer wanted to lead
me on.
The same week I found out he was bringing a date to our holiday party where
usually you bring your very serious partner. I confronted him again and told
him that he was being insulting. Now he’s ignoring me.
Did I mess up completely? Will I never save this friendship? I do still have
feelings for him but I wanted to be his friend first.

It seems like all that he really wanted was an occasional fuck buddy without anyone really knowing, and when he mentioned that he wanted to be exclusive, he was just leading you on. And now that he is bringing a date to the holiday party, he is trying to show you that he doesn’t care too much about your opinion about it. Not to sound negative here, but is it possible that you over-estimated how much he actually cares for you? You said that he was a friend turned fuckbuddy, so I assume you shared some friendship prior to getting involved, but if he were a good friend, why would he start ignoring you like that?

Because you still care for him like more than a friend than I doubt you will be happy or even be able to suppres those emotions and just stick to beign friends with him without any hope or prospect on sharing a future together. And because he has moved on and is even trying to show that off to you by bringing a date to the holiday party, you should take that as a direct hint that he isn’t even interested in friendship. The only way I can see your friendship working out is fi you act completely cool about the whole thing and move on yourself. It really isn’t even worth going after a guy who takes you for granted and ignores you each time you talk to him about anything serious. It’s your decision, nonetheless, and if you want to try to go back to being friends, then try to act like a friend and be happy for him that he has found another girl who he is happy to go on dates with. Do not act mockingly or enviously or annoyingly, and just keep your cool like nothing ever happened between the two of you. He may not buy it initially, but if you continue to act friendly and disregard that you two were ever fuck buddies then over time he will grow to return the friendship.

Either way, however, since you want to rekindle this friendship, you should try to move past the fact that anything will happen between the two of you in the future. I don’t think it will happen over a day or even a month, but only once you completely give up on him and move on to finding a new boyfriend that you will be able to come to terms that you only want friendship with him and nothing more. I personally do not even suggest that you try to reignite the friendship, because nothing good will most likely come out of it, but if you do want to go forth with it then make sure to do it once the emotional aspect of it has been abolished within you.


  • K said:

    Hi Robby: Thank you so much for the response. It was really helpful. As it turns out, this person is not worth my time or energy as he has had no remorse and believes he has done no wrong. I will cut my losses.

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @K: Glad to hear that it wasn’t difficult for you to cut your losses just like that, because I think it’s honestly the right decision.

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