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He Says One Thing, But Acts Another Way

27 January 2010 3 Comments

I’ve randomly found your site and I love it! I’ve read a lot of posts
concerning FB relationships but still I think I need some help.

Five months ago I met this guy at a random bar and we hooked up and he came back to my place. Initially I thought it was just a one night thing but then
from time to time, he texted me and he would come to my place for some fun.
I was getting divorced and I hadn’t had sex for a long time since I
separated from my husband in the beginning of 2008, so I thought it was nice
to have an FB. Every time he came over we would drink, chat, watch a movie
etc, and he would sleep over, despite he only lives like 2 mins away from my

But later on I realised that I have begun developing feelings for him, and
I knew that the right thing for me to do was to stop there, as he claimed
that he had a gf “somewhere else” and he had commitment issues. He never let me go to his place. So I told him over text messages saying that I wanted
something that he could not offer. And he replied saying he totally
understood that and didn’t want me to get hurt etc.

But then a week later, we started hooking up with each other again. And we
saw each other much more often than before – at least once a week (he’s not
often in town). Once he asked me to show him my old photos I took with my
husband, and when I went through them, I burst into tears. He comforted me
and apologised.

We still kept seeing each other afterwards, and recently, he began asking
me to go to his place. Funny thing is I didn’t notice any women stuff at his
place, not even a single photo. Maybe he deliberate hid them all away or

The sex only took up 10% of the time we spent together. We would chat and
have a good laugh and do other kinds of stuff that people would do and play
at home. A close relative recently died and he asked me to go over his place
after I wrapped things up in the hospital. It was nice to have someone
around during difficult times but I didn’t know whether he was just trying
to be kind or what.

Now when I don’t see him, when I know that he’s out of town, I miss him
terribly. I really enjoy being around him and I do like him for who he is.
I’ve been battling over whether I should tell him about how I really feel.
But then it might lead to a complete end of things, so I won’t even get to
see him again. Now I really don’t know what to do.

Hope you could help.

Get Facts

He said he has a girlfriend “somewhere else” so that doesn’t necesserily mean that he should have her stuff at his place, but since he’s been spending so much time with you, I’d suggest that you bring up the subject about his girlfriend. Don’t even tiptoe around it, instead ask him straight up about how his relationship is going and try to find out a little more about his girlfriend. Don’t make it sound interrogational, but just show that you’re interested in his personal life.

You wonder if he was comforting you after your sibling died just out of politeness or if he genuinely cares? Well, the truth is he does care. Not only do men know that if they comfort a woman when she is feeling vulnerable it will make her get more attached to them, but I believe he actually took the opportunity to actually get you to feel closer to him. If he’d want to keep you strictly as a fuck buddy then he’d call you and would comfort you over the phone but he wouldn’t invite you over because right away that sends out a different message. But to add to that, it proves that he is interested in you as more than just a good time because he asked to see some of your old pictures. He would not have done that and would actually have gone extra length to avoid that if he didn’t care for you as much as you care for him. It seems that he is trying to show you he likes you a lot but because of his commitment issues he is afraid of taking that next step and complicating things by putting a boyfriend/girlfriend label on what you have together.

Ask, Don’t Tell

Instead of telling him how you really feel, try to find out how he feels. Tell him that you appreciate that he’s been there for you when you needed someone to comfort you so he knows that you didn’t take that for granted. But stop right there. After that, try to feel him out and figure out what he wants by asking the right questions. I personally also have commitment issues and know that if a girl tells me she really likes me before I open up first then it makes me want to bail out as soon as possible, but if she shows interest but doesn’t fully lay her cards out on the table then it keeps me intrigued and I still feel like I have my freedom and might actually want to make it official but only when I feel the time is right. So I’d say that when a man has commitment issues, it’s alright if the woman seems interested in him and asks questions about how he feels as long as she doesn’t over do it and makes it end up sounding like a “questioning session” rather than a pleasant conversation. Do not try to confront him about it and demand answers, but let the conversation evolve one simple question at a time. In your situation I’d say that patience is essential. Do not tell him exactly how you feel, but instead try to pick up on anything he may do that only someone who genuinely cares for you would do, and take it a day at a time. Ask him about his previous relationships and discuss his current girlfriend and pick up on his emotions towards her when he talks about her.

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  • Victoria said:

    Hi Robby!

    Thank you very much for answering my question so quickly! I really appreciate that you’ve taken the time to go through my long message and come up with some very helpful suggestions.

    In fact about two to three months after we met, I casually asked him whether he actually had a wife or a gf, just out of curiousity. He was surprised by the question and said he has a gf but she was somewhere else. At that time he said that he had been with her on and off for five months but he said he didn’t know if it was going to work. And then he went on talking about his committment issues etc. The at one point while we were talking about stuff, and I casually asked whether his gf was a jealous type and he just casually said she could be, but swiftly changed the subject. And after that, we pretty much never brought up the subject again. The other night we talked about why we enjoyed sex with each other so much and he went through a few reasons like it’s always great, and hot and fun, etc. I also kidded about getting him to introduce me to some guys and he would just kid back saying he didn’t know any.

    The thing that intrigues me is that, the sex is definitely mind-blowing (seriously it’s the best I’ve ever had in my life), and I think we do really enjoy each other’s company, otherwise he wouldn’t have stayed over every time after sex (unless he really has to work the next day). We have great conversation and great laughs, and he talks A LOT about his life – childhood, family, previous gfs and sex experiences, work problems, his interests, etc…I think he tells me more about himself than the other way round.

    But we never met up outside of each other’s homes. We never went on dates. I tried to trick him into going out with me a couple of times but he always comes up with some excuses (or reasons why he can’t join me, like he’s occupied, already have plans, etc), so I kind of gave up on that. Having said that, I’m kind of comfortable with the meeting-at-home setting cos it feels much more casual and less stressed to me. I don’t know what he thinks. Maybe going out on dates would mean that things have been taken to another level and that’s not what he wants for now. I don’t know. Am I over interpreting the situation.

    Now he’s out of town again, and I miss him terribly. I can’t stop thinking about him.

  • Robby G (author) said:

    @Victoria: Though you may find it comfortable that you two only meet at each others’ homes, I find it peculiar that he doesn’t like taking you out at all and that you haven’t gone on dates. Also, when he goes away on these trips out of town, are you sure he’s not just saying that to deal with other things in the city such as his girlfriend, etc? I noticed you said that he talks a lot about his life, but everything you mentioned is things about him that were in the past and that he doesn’t talk much about his present situation. I’d personally be interested in finding out more about his current girlfriend situation and more things about his friends and job. It would involve getting a little more personal with him and I don’t know if you really want to push that on him at this time. The commitment issues sound like an excuse he may be using that has worked for him in the past with other girls and he may be trying it now to not reveal too much about his “other relationships”.

    I don’t think you’re over interpreting the situation and I think it’s gotten to a point where you should make a decision between whether you are sure you want to continue seeing him the way you currently are (which is really not a formal relationship due to lack of dates) or try to get more out of it, because it is evident that you’ve past the point of being able to completely break up with him since you feel so much for him.

  • Victoria said:

    Thanks for your reply, Robby. I don’t think he’s lying about going out of town because his work requires him to travel very frequently (and I already have my spies working at the same company confirming that). It’s true that I never met his friends (and I haven’t had the intention to introduce him to mine), he does talk about his present – everything except the gf. Maybe he doesn’t want to tell me at all, or he’s having a few other similar “friends” like me. I don’t know. But honestly I don’t have the courage to ask for some reason. I think you are right though, that it has reached a point for me to consider a decision of what I really want, cos this has been going on for five months and it kind of itches. I’ll just see what happens next time I see him and see if I can trick him into giving me any more information. But one thing for sure is that he does not want to be tied down.

    I’ll keep you posted. Thank you again for your help.

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