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He’s Back in My Life – Why?

27 January 2011 2 Comments

Hi Rob,

I have a huge problem. I dated a guy for 3 months plus and he broke up for
no reason tho i was very considerate sweet and nice to him. Even he said i
make a perfect gf. I let it go coz I respect other people’s choices and I
wouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. He then told
me am a wonderful girl but he’s not ready for a relationship. I said that’s
fine, he choose how he wants to live his life and means I have to go, to
find someone who wants to be with me. I didn’t contact him, it’s always him
running back to talk to me. I always reply because I feel he’s still a
friend to me. After 3 months, suddenly one day he texted me and asked if we
can actually get back together again. I asked him why coz it’s the past. He
said he really missed me. I said i don’t think bout it now coz firstly he told
me he isn’t ready for relationship and i don’t want to get myself hurt with
all his contradictions, as if he doesn’t know what he wants, we can be
friends. Since then he keeps coming back to beg me, he gets jealous when i
date other guys too. I said there’s no reason to be as am single and means
am free. He’s pretty weird, i mean….he wants me all to himself but he
doesn’t want to commit. We are not intimate. And at times i feel he’s mucking
with my head so i told him i want to cut all contact because i feel it’s not
working. I feel he has the upper hand because I am soft-hearted, and i don’t enjoy
being played like that. I said i don’t blame him as I allow myself this kind
of situation so now the only way to get out is to remove myself from this
kind of situation. He got very upset at me and now he says he wants to be
with me, with no strings attached?? I said no coz it’s not something i
believe in. We have diff wants so just let it go. I don’t know why he’s
acting like that?? What’s going on? I just want to understand a guy’s point
of view.

It sounds like he’s a typical guy who sort of wants the best of both worlds. He wants to be with you with no strings attached, and at the same time he does not want to commit yet gets jealous when you go out on dates with others. You do not seemed emotionally attached at all at this point, and I believe that he expected you would have put up more of a fight for his affection initially when he told you that he did not want to be your boyfriend. However, because you didn’t and you moved on, he kept on returning to you to try and get you to chase him. Your nonchalant actions had him second guessing and I also feel like after he tried to find someone new, his plans did not succeed and so he ended up coming back to you. It seems simple enough here, he failed at finding new girls he may like or at least sleep with, so he returned to trying it out with you. You have not been intimate, so of course it’s a challenge and exciting, but at the same time he does not need to go through that initial stage of dating with you because it’s already behind you. I personally cannot say if he is genuinely interested in you for you or because he just wants to sleep around with you, but I would put my money on the idea that he’s not into much except for getting you into bed. He doesn’t want you to be with other guys nor does he wants to commit, yet he wants to be the only man in your life. That sounds very insecure, selfish and amateur to be honest and if you want my true opinion then I would say that you shouldn’t waste too much time on this guy, not because he doesn’t know what he really wants (which is a reason in itself) but because he will probably end up hurting you if you get too close, and he will continue messing with your mind.

Try to find someone who is more concrete about what he wants and does not change his mind like this guy does. Though, since time has passed since the last time he has flip-flopped like he did, you may want to test if he has changed and how he truly feel about you now. You have to keep in mind that after 3 months of not being together, out of the blue he asks if you could get back together. This is quite spontaneous and probably means that he hasn’t had much luck with other ladies so he’s trying to come back to you. And that’s proved through his unwillingness to once again commit. It really all depends on your decision on whether or not you want to get back into playing games with him on, what it feels like, his terms, or if you want to move on and find someone new who is ready to move past those games and is ready to commit.

Whoever if interested in just fucking around with no strings attached, then FuckBook is right for them, if you’re looking for a committed relationship, of course then you’ve gotta search around. No relationship comes to you without you having to go out there and look for it.


  • Rebecca said:

    hey Rob,

    Thanks for replying to my question “he’s back into my life-why?”…..

    I have observed him lately. I never initiated contact at all. But i care bout him as a person. I forgive easily and i tend to let go of things very easily. Anyways, I treat him as a friend and i told him if he needs anything he can always approach me and if i can help, i will. Lately, I feel he has changed, not for the worse but for the better. He started to text me on his own (he used to ask me how i was doing as well, but not as much as what he’s doing now) asking me bout my life and tell me about his life, his plans, his problems. We share things more than we used to and we have more deep conversation than we used to. And when times we don’t get to talk, he would send me texts and ask if i have forgotten bout me and those texts are always very long. Once I texted him to let him know some stuff he asked me bout, in regards to work, he replied saying he’s very happy to hear from me and we texted back and forth till i wanted to go to bed. He also told me, I am important to him and I am really special to him.I didn’t reply to those as I don’t know if he meant it or not. Just keeping things very platonic. And he also told me he has alot on his mind, family problems and financal struggles, alot of things to worry about and sometimes he can’t sleep at night. The last time we met, he seemed very happy to see me, I could see….he hugged me constantly, those tight warm hugs, couldnt stop smiling and i always see him stealing glances at me, and hold his gaze till i tease him then he turns away shyly (he always does that, even when we were together, I would always catch him gazing at me). We spent our time cooking together, teasing each other, watching comdies on youtube and had a laugh together. And he also keep texting me telling me he misses me and can’t wait to see me when he gets back from his annual leave. Before all these, we actually had a huge argument and i rarely get upset but that time i was very upset at him, i actually asked him to get lost and i don’t want to play his game anyomore. He remained calm the whole time i was shouting at him over the phone, he knew I was very upset coz i never did act like that, ever unless if am over the top upset. But he still keeps coming back. I am just treating him normal, but am not waiting….if I meet someone who wants to commit and I feel the same, i will go ahead. I just don’t understand. I don’t know if it’s coz of his childhood he has insecurities about commitment or something else. He actually comes from a broken home. His dad left him and his mum when he was 13. his mum was 30 and his dad was 19 when he was born, and his dad, he told me, was abusive and he used to shelter his mum from his dad’s abusive acts and vowed never to repeat his dad’s mistakes. He once asked me if I love him, but being the honest person that I am, I told him not yet but I can see myself loving him more as I get to know him more. However I do like him very much. He looked very disappointed tho. So I don’t know whats what…but am very curious.

  • Robby G (author) said:

    @Rebecca: Thanks for that update. Now that you’ve mentioned all that you have, I had to reconsider my initial response. I believe that he returned to you after the 3 month gap not because he wanted to just sleep around with you, but because he was genuinely lonely. It seems like he just wants someone who will care for him as much as he does for them. For instance, the sharing of his problems and hugging you tightly when you meet is an indication of his desire to express himself to you and give himself over to you. Also, the fact that he stayed quiet and did not shout over you when you had an argument shows that he felt your anger and put himself in the position to be “victimized” in order for you to get all of your anger out.
    It does sound like he has changed and has become less keen on just wanting to become friends with benefits without commitment but instead is interested in a real relationship. Though sometimes men can use certain actions as a front to get you into bed, it is usually things like long gazes that give them away that are difficult to fake. And he has already began talks of love, which is always a sign of wanting to commit.

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