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He’s Confusing

23 August 2010 2 Comments

Hi Robby,

I have been seeing this guy about a year and a half… prior to seeing him
the attraction and flirting has always been there for years.

Our agreement on our relationship was based only the physical. Like all FB
relationships … this became complicated. Him and I were both involved with
someone else at the time. He left his gf for a brief time
(according to him it was indirectly bcuz of me). During that separation
phase we discussed our attachment and affection for each other and agreed to
try to take it to the next step.. things started to look good … then he
returns back to his ex..now gf.

Here is where the advice is needed… he claims that he’s confused and
regrets going back and should have given it a try. I received so many mixed
signals and the hot & cold personality. I dont know what to do or what to
say. I want to believe him, in fact I do cause it seems sincere, but at the
same time I feel like im being played and fked with. He assures me that’s
not the case that he’s just confused and is afraid of making the wrong
decision. Says he has his reservations for going back and it’s based on
comfort. That even during initmate times with her … thinks of me or can’t
finish… The funny part is that he acts like he’s my bf the jealous, always
wanting to fix my problems and very affectionate and caring. I’m just so
confused and its hard to keep up with the changing mood.

The other twist is that he wants my ex completely out the pic and wants me
to stick around until he figures his stuff out. I’m okay with that as long
the sex is out of the picture.

What are your thoughts? Why the mix signals? Is he playing games?

My thoughts are that you are giving him way too much room to maneuver any which way he wants, which makes him become even more indecisive. When there are multiple options, and they are both good and hard to decide on, people tend to prolong the process up until there is no more time or room to continue prolonging the process of making a final decision. This I can say from personal experience. He is refraining forom making his decision and he will continue on doing so until you put a little more pressure on him. Currently he has the “upper hand” and in order for you to not look like you’re getting f*cked over, you should tell him that you’re not going to leave your boyfriend if he’s not willing to leave him. Be direct by saying that if he is confused then he still obviously likes his girlfriend and is only using you for the sex, even though he does sound sincere. Tell him you are willing to leave your boyfriend but only when you he takes action and breaks it off with his own girlfriend. You’re not someone who should live your life based around the decisions this guy makes (or doesn’t make) and though you do not want to pose an ultimatum, threaten him by explaining that until he makes up his mind you will not have sex with him. This way you are also protecting your dignity by portraying to him that you aren’t some girl who he can sleep with on the side whenever he isn’t feeling his girlfriend. Sure, you’ll still remain friendly and talk to him but there just won’t be any more sex until he makes up his mind to break up with his girlfriend. This will make it much easier for him to make up his mind, believe me. And you will also be able to see if he is sincere about liking you and wanting to be with you.

If you want my opinion about the guy, however, I will say that he sounds like he’s BSing you slightly, because this confusion shouldn’t even be there for him if he likes you so much that he has to think of you to bust a nut when he’s with his girlfriend. That just sounds like something he’d say just to make you feel more special. He probably is just trying to keep this going as long as possible: having two girls to sleep with without having to commit. You can try to approach this the way I suggested with a little more assertiveness and see how things go from there. If he does like you then he will break up with her and come to you, it’s as simple as that. Wish you luck.

2 Comments »

  • Cathy said:

    Hi Robby,
    I can relate to stories here and especially your responses are helping me to understand more. I have read a lot of relationship advice, and I have to say the more I read, the more I don’t know what to do. The main theme that comes across is deny your impluses and no contact. Well here goes. I met him online. He emailed over a year ago and I replied. He is younger. We were friendly online. We communicated through IM’s for over a month. I finally gave my phone/text #. He would text me sometimes 3 times a day. This started beginning July last year & were planning to meet beginning Sept. The week we were to meet, I didn’t answer his texts for 3 days (unconscious sabotage on my part). We were to meet on Sun, so I texted him and basically blasted him. He said he was planning on meeting, but transportation became a problem. Told me to date other guys, he wasn’t stoping me. I texted him a couple of times after that over 2 weeks, he never responded. This text relationship had turned somewhat sexually before this set up meeting. After about 3 weeks, one more attempt on my part which used the allure of sex, and he responded, fancy that! We started talking again. Sometime in Oct we met in person. It was due to me, not him, (sounds like chasing, I know). I had gone out on a date with someone else. There was no connection on my part, so it ended early. I texted him, It was a Sat about 9. I told him to lose friends, date, whoever, because I was coming to net him. He did. We drove to a favorite place of his. We made out in car for a little while, didn’t go far. I stopped it. Took him home in about 1 & half hours. He asked me to text when I got. Home. I did, no response from him. Tus got a single “hey”, not his usual text. I replied later in day, same kind of text. I heard nothing from him. I knew we had a connection, but now doubted whether he was still attracted. 2 weeks later, even at the risk of him thinking. Was needy and/or insecure I asked if he was attracted to me. He went on and on about how much he was, no action. Never heard again from him for 3 months. I left him alone no texts. He sent me a very long email, titled long over due apology. Went on to explain he was so sorry for his behavior. He acted childish, got scared, said never opened up to a stranger like that, bs got scared and felt venerable. Said I probably hated him, this wasn’t like him didn’t even deserved forgivness. Didn’t know why he walked out on me, (drama).said would make up to me and so on. It was a Sat night about 10 at night. Begged me to answer email right then. I eventually did.this was in Jan this year. We discussed meeting. She he had jst gotten back on feet, and didn’t have the money to take me out in style. Around March, I had finally agreed to let him come over to watch a movie. The day of around 3pm he called with excuses couldn’t make had t cancel. I said I understood, ( I lied), I really ddn’t. I sent a text saying undestood. Later we brought He sent 2 days later one word text again. I told him what I really thought. Again dissappeared again for a month and half. Sent text saint how much he thought about me. Lost his phone, could have IM, but didn’t know how it would be received. He thought of what could have been and wanted no regretts. I didn’t answer. Next week messaged again, just hey beautful. I didn’t answer again. Then following week I responded. He was wonderful, he started calling on phone. Call me Fri and Sat after being with friends showed he cared. Was super attentive. I had gotten mad at him in the beginning, before he was so attentive. He started off not cnsistent, so one night when I hadn’t heard from him I said I was done. He snapped right around. We had some sexual text. About 3 weeks went by and I didn’t hear from him for 3 days, he lost another phone, but that week he used other ways to keep in touch. Used other phones left messages telling me he didn’t want me to think he was avoiding me, but had lost phone. The coming weekend we had phone sex on Sat night. Ddn’t hear from him Sun, mon and then hear on tues. The messages this week felt obligatory, no 2 way communication. In his favor, I have to say his whole work schudule changed. He was working all nights. He left a phone message that frii night saying we had kept in touch nothing solid though. Also texted me twice on Sat. Early Sun morning I left a thinking of u text. Sunday about to afternoon, still no resonse from him and I could see he was on computer a lot that day, which was unusually. So, I wrote him tha I ddn’t like lack of comunucation. I didn’t here anything. Hours went by. So around 7 that night, the dam burst inside me and I opened the food gates. I didn’t call him a jerk or names, but I basically couldn’t understNd how he could be so insincere, and much more. I said I didn’t care what he thought of me any more. That he must think that hne sex is the real thing and I was glad I never did real thing, if this was a sign of hw he would act, and on and on. Heard nothing of course. So mon evening I sent “no contact message” that said I was breaking up with him, (it seemed weird to say this, because what was I breaking up from). It continued ( a generic message that was scripted) I felt uncomfortable and stupid for using those words), that the break was best for both of us, I would appreciate if he wouldn’t contact me right now, because I had some big decisions to make and needed time. Finally I said I would contact him when I am ready. 2 days later he responded. She he was sorry if I didn’t think he was communicating enough with me, he couldn’t do anything about it and had been very busy at work. Then, this is the kicker and deja vieu. He said I know you want to see other people, ( I never said anything like that), go ahead, he wasn’t stopping me and he wasn’t ready for a relationship, with sad face at end. That is why I went way back to beginning of “relTiinshio” to show that words were almost identical. What gives? It had been about 2 months of no contact. Then Monday befre last. He texted me on a Monday night late, that I am always on the back of his mind. The following sat I went on a date. Wasn’t great and when I got home I started comparing, so I broke down and sent a text with pics, (appropriate ones) “I am always in back of mind, ummm, not sure if that is a compliment, maybe (pics) these will bring me to the front of mind. I am not sure if he got or not, because thus was the first time I sent to this text number. Nothing since then on his or mine part, no texts. What do I do? I said I would contact when ready. I want him to, not me. I want him to show he cares, but I hate no contact. Help, help, help. I know he probably doesn’t care like I do, but there must be something there for him or why bother answering anything at all?

  • annie said:

    I have been in a FB relationship since 2 minths now. He already had a lot of FBs before and simce I was new, he told me, not to expect anything from this relationship except that we “are helping each other with orgasms”; and that he is not looking for a romantic relationship. I understood, and have been very accommodating to that idea, as I don’t see a future with him.
    Whenever I go to his house I stay the night over as my home is 6 hours away from his. And usually I go during weekends to stay there for 2 days and he prepares food for me, as he like cooking and he says that he does it for all his FBs before me. I didnt care because men cooking is not new for me.
    I am tanned,agnostic and short in stature with daddy issues. And he constantly says that he gets attracyed to and fall for girls who are tanned, agnostic or atheist with daddy issues but tall girls.. and whenever he says this, he will be like, I am sorry, but I am attracted to dark girls, as if he expected me to say something.
    He is usually very sweet and caring and charismatic and chivalrous towards every one. At least thats what I understood from what he talks about and his behaviour to towards me. Last time I went to his house and slept over, in the middle of my sleep, I sensed him looking over at me tenderly and said something like-” you are such a nice girl. And very sweet. I like you so much..” to this I turned my head at him and smiled in my sleep but couldnt open my eyes properly because I was that sleepy, and it just wouldn’t open.. and when I woke up, I was trying to analyse that, but, now I am not sure if I just made everything up. But I am pretty sure, he was looking at me sleep while lying down next to me.. I am not sure at his exact words though.. and that day, everything went unevenfully, and I slept again by afternoon.. while he was trying to wake me up, so I can catch my bus home, I was already more than half awake by now, at which point he said more to himself that he would prefer it, if I stay there for one more day.. this, after me staying there for 2 nights. But when he knew that I am up, even when I asked him if I should take the late night bus, the only one available, he said yes.. he even asked me what I thought of having his kids “if we ever get married” I brushed it aside joking that since I am petite (5’2 and size us 8) and he is 6’3 (shirt size 48) I would die..
    After that weekend, I came home, we had our first fight and since then he messages me almost religiously everyday.. yesterday when I did not message him as I was sleeping the entire day, he messaged me to let him know when I wake up. When I did and messaged him asking him why, he asked me, if I was okay as he didn’t hear from me all day (my lastesaage to him was at 9.50am and he messageo me to let him know at 3.30) and he just wanted to know. Also, day before yesterday he suddenly wanted to talk to me, and while we were talkinh he suddenly told me that he was missing my face..
    Now I am confused as to, I f he likes me or not, as he still vehemently says that he do not want to be in a relationship and also he talks about his ex girlfriend many a times with me.. he and I broke up with our respective exes almost around the same time.. whenever we do not have sex, we end up talking about anything and everything… the conversations are really good and invigorating as he is a very intelligent guy. Also, he has told me almost everything about his dead parents and his childhood and his family and so have I to a great extent. I do not think this is out of ordinary for him, because he is very talkative and I havent seen him shut his mouth for more than 3 minutes at a time.
    So, I really need your help ascertaining, if he actually likes me, or is everything in my head??
    Ps- he always says that he doesnt get attracted to short girls nor does he wanna date any of them. And whenever he does anything for me, especially in the beginning, he used to be like, “dont take itas a romantic interest, I didn’t mean that way”..now he doesn’t say anything like that though..


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