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How to Let Him Go When You Still Love Him

15 December 2011 3 Comments

Hey Robby, I’ve been reading some of your advice and you’re really good. I was
hoping you could help me.
Yesterday was my boyfriend’s and my 11 month celebration. I slept over at his
house and he woke me up angry because he checked his facebook and there was a
message from a girl telling him i had been messing around with her boyfriend. At
first, I denied it and then I told him the truth. He got so angry and hurt and
he was crying and I was crying and the things he said were like stabs but all I
could do was sit there and take it because I really had nothing to say for
myself except for that I was sorry that I did it, and that he found out this
way, and that whether he believed me or not, I loved him and I still do and I
will for a very long time.
I know you’ve heard this all before. But that girl’s boyfriend was actually one
of 4 guys I met on the site, chatroulette. I was talking to them and one thing
led to another and we did basically everything dirty possible that could be done
through skype and email. I did this about a month ago for 2 weeks. (and for the
record, I had no idea that guy had a girlfriend, and i stopped talking to him
when i found out). I honestly don’t know why I did it, an answer which sounded
really bad when my ex asked me why I did it.

Sorry for the long message, but I want someone to give it to me straight. I don’t
think my friends are giving me honest answers. Will he ever forgive me? Will he
consider taking me back? If not, is there anything I can do to help him get over
me? As terrible a thought as it is, even if it means making him hate me more, I
would do anything for him to be happy again, even if it’s not with me.

Will He Take You Back?

Taking you back, and forgiving you are two completely different things. There is a chance that he will take you back, and that really all depends on the type of person he is. I personally am a little more cold-hearted when it comes to cheating or anything in that nature, so I probably would move on and find someone else. However, a lot, and I do mean A LOT of men are quite lenient to getting back together with their woman even after there has been deception just because love is an extremely strong force and loneliness is something none of us want to feel.

When it comes to forgiving you, nonetheless, I very doubt that he will be able to just move on and get back to things as they were before. I don’t know your boyfriend so it’s hard to say, but if he cried along with you when he discovered what was happening then it’s more than likely that he had very strong feelings for you and he doesn’t really want to lose you, however the situation has forced him to make a serious decision about your relationship.

If you keep talking to him, messaging him, and telling him that it was all a mistake and you love him then there is a chance that he will take you back. You must consider that even if he does take you back, the chances are that he will have it in the back of his mind and it will not be the same for a very long time. A lot depends on how things were prior to this incident and if you shared a strong love for each other or if it was just another relationship with a serious bond.

What’s for the Best?

You mentioned that you are in love with him, and even if he doesn’t want to take you back, you are ready to do anything just so he is happy. That’s a very noble thing to say and do and shows a lot about you character as well as your feelings toward him. It shows that you do acknowledge your wrongs and would do anything for him. It was a mistake and you should try to portray to him that you are sincerely sorry for it. Now you must also think what is best for this situation. Is this relationship worth savoring, or maybe the real reason you did what you did was because you were bored or you wanted to experiment with something new. Though you claim you don’t know why you did what you did, there must be reason, and you must yourself figure it out, because if you do not and you get back together there is a chance that it will be a mistake.

You feel awful at the moment for the betrayal, and you cannot believe yourself you were able to make such a foolish mistake, but there is something in you that was ready to do it and was ready to reap the consequences. What was the difference that the guy on ‘chatroulette’ had a girlfriend or didn’t–why did you feel the need to even start up messing around with him in any possible way? Before you decide to get back together with your ex, think about that and try hard to find an answer, because that will reveal to you if you are in fact making a mistake with trying to get back with him or not.

Making your ex hate you just so he forgets about you can work, but at the same time I believe not talking to him and ignoring him would suffice in this situation to get him in forgetting about you. Breaking all forms of communication will get him thinking about other people and things and after some time he will gradually get over you. Forgetting about you will be difficult, but it is something that he must do on his own and though you want to help him, unless you want to make things worse, it is best to let him overcome this situation in his individual way.


  • Briana said:

    Thanks for replying so quickly and I have an update on the whole situation.
    After we broke up, he cut me off. He deleted me off of facebook, deleted my number, had an ex girlfriend bashing party with his friends, got drunk and showed them some private material I took for him. I was a bit shocked by this but I guess in retrospect, what I did was worse (still dont know if I should be upset about it).
    Two days later, he contacted me saying he still cared about me and asking me if i was okay. Clearly he was still very very hurt. and so began the very painful process of what I thought was closure for him. we facebook messaged for the whole day (like 6 hours), the whole gist of it was that he was very hurt and i was sorry, i would never do it again, how could he forgive me or even think of taking me back. We decided it would be better to do this face to face so we met up after his work and said basically the same things we were saying the who day. at first, he was kind of open to taking me back, then he asked me the question i knew was in the back of his mind. had i done this sort of thing before? I told him the truth and said I had gotten drunk and made out with one of my friends at a party. after that, he wanted nothing to do with me, was angry. I knew it was over but he didnt wanna say the words. I tried to make it easier for both of us and started to get out of the car to walk home. he told me to stay and drove me back. we spent some more time talking in my driveway. but there was only so much to be said. he said there was nothing he wanted more than to tell me he loves me and to take me back. but the trust had been broken. a little later he said he would give me another chance, kissed me, then after that, said he still wasnt sure.

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  • Briana said:

    i kinda got mad that he put me through that, making me sit there while he made his choice to either leave me or give another chance. i called it yo-yo-ing. I asked him to make his choice and be sure. we decided to take it slow. a trial period, to see if we could still be together. we were under no delusions that it would be exactly the same as before. but we loved each other and wanted to try anyway. we started hanging out again during the week, doing things we used to do like watch shows together. we had sex a couple days later. but without a commitment, it kind of felt like a friends with benefits situation. sometimes he would comment to me about other girls or how he didnt care what i did or how he didnt have to be nice to me now. whether he meant to or not, it really got to me but i didnt let him see itit was probably to get a couple jabs in there, so i understood. he picked me his house, we hung out, it was more normal, not exactly like before because there was still that low hum of tension about what happened. i slept over (no sex) and left in the morning. since then, we’ve been talking. he said today that he wants to give me another chance. for real this time. I really hope its not because he’s lonely and doesnt want to be alone or because he wants to keep having sex to me. I believe that he loves me, and I love him, and I will honestly never cheat on him or anyone again. I never want to hurt anyone like i hurt him. Im praying that he doesnt decide that he’s too hurt and he cant be with me anymore and dump me. I love him to bits

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    Robby G Reply:

    @Briana: You seem like a very bright person who knows when he’s taking jabs or when he actually means what he says, so I really don’t think you have the problem of taking things to heart when he doesn’t mean the things he says. You put him through hell and telling him that thing about making out with his friend was probably something you should have done even though it IS the truth. It’s very hard to do what you did, which is being honest with him, but now you must know that you are restarting a relationship with some wounds that must be healed, so it is probably a good idea to try and be a little more nice and caring to him now more than ever. You don’t want to have a relationship without trust, and the only way to make him know that he should trust you is by throwing in “I Love You’s” quite often and doing small nice gestures that will make him see that you are thinking about him even when you are not together at that moment.
    Men who have been cheated on have a tendency to fear that when a woman is not with them at that moment then their woman could be anywhere, and that anywhere is usually with another man, so even quick texts to let him know that you miss him or asking him how things are going will go a long way to relieve his worries.
    I hope I’ve been helpful.

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