Home » Friends with Benefits

I’m Not a Player, I Just Fuck a Lot

10 October 2009 9 Comments

I just ended with this guy I’ve been sleeping with. We started off proper
with each other, dating, kissing and then fucking.
He was really gentlemenly to me, introduced me to his friends and
colleagues, and talked about personal issues and his family to me.
However, we were fucking alot and not doing much out of the house, and I
started to fall for him though I was dubious about his intent cos we were
not doing other activities.
When I finally asked him if he saw this as a fuck buddy relationship he
ended it.
Does this confirm the fact that he is a player?
When I told him all I wanted was an answer from him, not a commitment from
him, and that I needed to find out before I invest feelings into this, he
said he had always been sincere (yet I doubted him) but yet he did not take
up the offer when I asked us to get back together again.
So had I been right about him not serious about me except for a sex
partner, or is he just confused about his own intent?

I think it sounds like he was just waiting for you to raise the subject for him to pull off a nice break-up where he doesn’t look like the asshole. I could of course be wrong, because I’m not 100% informed on all the details, but it does sound like he might have liked you in the beginning of the relationship, saw that it was headed one way (the bed), and took the great opportunity. He might have just seen you as a friend with benefits, because he did talk to you about family and introduced you to other friends. I wouldn’t go so far as to call him a player with all the attached connotations to the word, but I’d say he just tried something out with you and by the end of it all wasn’t in the mood to keep going with it. And once you raised the question of “Do you just see this as a fuck-buddy relationship?” he took it and ran with it. He broke it off in a manner similar to the third example in my post entitled “How to Break-Up with Your Woman“, which is pretty player-like.

Now, about him being confused with his own intent, I really doubt it in this case. If he’s been happy with showing you to friends and not strictly confining the whole thing to a pure fuck-buddy relationship, then he’s obviously given thought to the two of you, how a real gf/bf relationship would be like with you, and everything that comes along with it. So, again, I really do think it was just a matter of time that he’d break it off in a way he felt comfortable. It could also mean that he in fact found some other girl and needed for your semi-relationship to come to an end. There isn’t much else I could say except that if he already began to act this way, including not getting back together with him when you offered, then I don’t think it’s worth it to keep chasing him. The more you try to get him back, the more he’ll dread having any type of relationship with you, whether bf/gf type or just as fuck-buddies. Good luck with everything.

9 Comments »

  • Carla said:

    Again Robby, I love hearing the thoughts of the man in these situations. It’s great to see men’s take on subjects of dating and especially break-up. I would totally see it differently, but sometimes we women can be too naive.

  • cowgirl said:

    thanks Robby! He took my FB question the wrong way. He thought I was being negative about him and was pretty upset that I doubted his sincerity. When I finally confronted him to tell me in the face if hes really firm on ending it, he thought about it for nearly 2 weeks. He couldnt decide if he was willing to start the whole thing over again when I was getting emotional only within 1 mth of our time together. Wassup with emotionally unavailable men or men who shuts off when their babes get emotional or start to talk about the whole feeling thing? I noticed that about him, not willing to talk about it. But when I met his colleagues, they said they’ve heard alot about me. What is this about? Afraid to tell me how he feels but telling it to people around him?

  • Robby G (author) said:

    @Cowgirl: It’s just for men emotions tend to lead to thoughts of commitment and that can scare a lot of them. He could think he wants it all one day and then completely doubt it the next. Sometimes it’s just how it is and to make him want it you have to sometimes make him realize it on his own by “showing” him what he’d be missing.
    Discussing it with other people is alright for him because he is seeking advice and may require someone else to make up his mind for him during those moments of where he feels he has the right solution but just needs an extra push in the right direction.

  • Cowgirl said:

    How do I keep this commitment phobic man?
    Be independent, self assured, confident and not needy of him?
    If he asked me to move in with him, would that make him miss me less and lead to him getting sick of me sooner?
    How do I play it right to make him want me and keep up the interest in the long run?
    Can you give me some examples of what you mean by ‘showing’ him?

  • Robby G (author) said:

    @Cowgirl: I’ll try to keep this short because I can write a full post on your set of questions. 😛
    You keep him by making him want you rather than trying to convince him to want you. Give him room and make him realize what he’s missing. Distancing yourself subtly can be the key to getting him. Play the whole thing off as if it never happened that he broke up and that you even asked the question. Let him see that you’re not going to want a future with him rather than saying it to him. Just let him see how cool you are with the whole thing and try not to give up the sex to him too easily. Go back to being “friends” but not as a desperate friend or even equal friend, but be the one HE would want to hang out with.
    About the move-in, that all depends on the man. If he asked you then he probably wants to take things a lot further with you, but don’t rush into it.
    Example of ‘showing’: Do not play into his hand and do things he’d like or expect but play things completely opposite to how you usually do it. If he’s used to you calling, stop calling and just write short texts. Be more of a tease. Act like you’ve lost 95% of the interest. Hang out with other people and make sure he somehow finds out about it. Play with his ego and try to evoke some sort of jealousy in him and a feeling that he doesn’t have you all figured out.
    It’s very difficult for me to ellaborate so much with so little info and space I have here. If you’d like, submit another full question and I’d be happy to answer it.
    Hope I’ve been helpful.

  • Cowgirl said:

    Wow thanks Robby G! It is almost a form of science just learning and putting it into practice. I will try to play it cool and platonic the next time he contacts me and get him to meet me for a proper date instead of going up to his place. Time to make him work at it instead of me doing all the work!

  • Robby G (author) said:

    @Cowgirl: That’s the spirit!
    It actually is almost like a science, but I really hate looking at it that way. It’s just a game and you gotta know how to play it the best way possible. It gets difficult at times for many people because you end up playing with rational, emotional, sensitive people and in the end you may feel bad manipulating them to your benefit. But it’s just the way things go. Make him work for it, but you also need to know when to pull the right strings and fold the right way so he keeps his interest in you.
    Let me know how things go after a while. Cheers!

  • cowgirl said:

    I finally got back with him. He msged me to catch up and I was at his place a whole weekend and he cooked for me. It was sweet but that week later I fell sick – suspected to be an illness I caught off him. I was down for whole 2 weeks and was recuperating at my own place. Yet I heard nothing from him and not seen him. Just now I found out he was busy having his own male buddies from overseas staying at his own place. And hence he neglected me. After I told him I wanted to drop by cos I missed him, he was silent. My next impulse is to end it with him cos he obviously care about his own mates than me. Am I overreacting or is this the sign that hes just not interested in me??

  • Robby G (author) said:

    @Cowgirl: If he neglected you for two whole weeks without even calling you to see how you were, that’s pretty harsh. It seems like he just doesn’t feel this can go any further. I hate to say it, but sometimes things just don’t work out exactly how you want and it seems like your impulse here may be right and that this relationship may not happen the way you want it. And to be honest, it doesn’t seem like there’s anything to end at all, but the best thing to do would probably just ask him directly what he thinks about your whole situation, but not act obsessive in any way however instead just hear it out and let the chips fall where they may. Take it as it comes and decide what would be best depending on his answer.
    Sorry to hear that it’s not working out.


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