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I’m Not that Sort of Guy

7 May 2010 4 Comments

Hey Robby,
Sorry for the length of this, but I feel the background is
necessary. So I met this girl online about 6 months ago. We talked online
for a few weeks, and she finally asked to meet, just after Halloween. I go
meet her at a bar, and things escalate very quickly. We end up at my place,
and she immediately goes for the shower.

She comes out, and tries to get down to business pretty much right away. I
ended up turning her down, saying “I’m not that type of guy”. That seemed to
genuinely affect her (positively). The next weekend, we hung out again at a
drive-in movie, and things got hot and heavy again. I let her get a little
farther, but we didn’t go all the way.

From this point on, she became very flakey and strange, sending weird txts,
but never calling. I tried to initiate a couple of times, but basically I
decided to move on, as I assumed she had.

Cut to 2 weeks ago. I hadn’t seen or heard from her in months. I txted her
out of the blue basically asking what happened between us, in her opinion.
She said that she thought distance would be a problem (we live 40 mins
apart). I basically told her I thought she didn’t give it a chance, and that
I was still attracted to her. She said she had no idea how I felt, and that
we should get together again.

We did, about 4 days ago. And it was great, conversation was natural, we had
a great time, and I finally gave in and went all the way with her. Now I
don’t know where to take it, because I feel like she’s gotten what she
initially wanted from me, and that she is going to use the distance excuse
again to keep from seeing me.

My question is: she seems like the type who uses guys for sex. Every time we
have gotten physical, there was some level of alcohol involved. She is very
headstrong and proud of her assets. I am definitely attracted to her, but
won’t let myself be used as a sex object. What should I do? Should I
ultimatum her? Should I keep seeing her? Is there any way a healthy
relationship could develop from here? Let me know your thoughts. Thanks!

I know that when you meet and talk to people online, you develop a certain bond together that is very emotional, yet it always lacks a physical element, and after a 6 month period of conversation and getting to know each other so well, people expect there to be some sort of physical intimacy when you finally meet in person. However, once you turned her down the first time, she ultimately thought you are actually a guy that is interested in something more than just sex and that appealed to her. Then when you turned her down again, she thought that you may have done so just because when you finally met her you got a negative physical vibe from her and she was different from what you expected her to be after your talks online. After she began acting cold towards you because you kept turning her down, it was in response to your lack of desire to get her to sleep with her even though she was so open to the idea. Now that you have contacted her again and you have finally slept with her, she may see that you are genuinely a guy who isn’t as shallow as most out there and aren’t only interested in sex. To be honest, most guys would love to be in the position you are in where the girl is ready to have sex with no real strings attached, but I believe since you expect more from a girl than just sex, you can easily manoeuvre this relationship into what you desire.

Options, Options, Options

I don’t think she will use the distance excuse to simply use you for sex, because she most likely used it the first time since she believed that you are the one who isn’t interested in her in the first place. I would advise that you contact her and take her out again and do not focus on the element that she may be interested in only sex. Have fun and intice her with your conversations and when it comes time to get intimate, do not hesitate. I am certain that she is interested in you for more than just sex because she has been talking to you online for 6 month and that has to stand for something. You do not have to be direct with her by telling her that you want a relationship right off the bat, but take it date by date and see where it goes. The thing is, if you do not offer a woman sex during the relationship then they may get turned off and move on to find someone that will satisfy that need, because it is definitely a need that women have that is very important in any relationship.

I would not suggest an ultimatum because you aren’t really in the position to make one at this time based on what you’ve explained. Also, you must understand that men and women have to be approached differently when they are handling fuck-buddy relationships. It is almost expected that the women are the ones who are interested in more emotional relationships and men are more sex-driven. You should surely keep seeing her and a very healthy relationship can form from this, but you must not be too closed off the idea of incorporating sex into the relationship. Whenever you have the desire to see her, call her and actually invite her out to dinner or the park and enjoy your time with her, but do not leave out the possibility that it will usually end in the bed by the end of the night. Talk to her about what she expects out of a relationship and what sort of relationships she has had in the past and learn what type of girl she overall is. And through these sorts of questions you will be able to formulate an idea about her and if she had serious relationships in the past that satisfy your idea of what a real relationship should be like and then you are in luck. I wish you all the best and remember that you are in a position that many men would feel lucky to be in, so enjoy it while it lasts, and try not to take things too seriously.


  • Martin said:

    Hey Robby,
    Thanks so much for your response. You make some great points and I very much appreciate it. If I could clarify a couple of things:

    You said “I am certain that she is interested in you for more than just sex because she has been talking to you online for 6 months and that has to stand for something”. In truth, after the drive-in movie, I had basically no contact with her for at least 4 or 5 months. So I feel that our connection may not be as solid as it seems.

    Also, when you say “just call her and invite her out to dinner or the park”, I don’t think this would work with her. This girl is not the type to go on “dates”, in the most literal sense of the word. The fact of the matter is, she acts more like a dude than a girl. She only seems to be interested in getting together for sex, and I know I should be totally stoked about that, but I don’t like the idea of not having control. For instants, I invited her, earlier this week, to see a movie she was dying to see, and she just stopped texting back. This seems like abnormal behavior, and I want to be able to determine when I see her, and in what context. Thoughts?


    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Martin: I think one of the problems can also be in how you come off when you are talking to her or how you are texting her. It could be that she may feel like you are only interested in locking her down into a relationship and she just may not be interested in the idea. Try compromising to suit her needs and gradually get what you want out of her. It’s impossible to force someone to want to get into a relationship if they simply aren’t interested in the idea, and to be honest even if you are able to get a girl who is only interested in sex to finally conform to a relationship, I don’t think she would make a good girlfriend. Do you really want a girl who acts like sex is the only thing on her mind when it comes to men to be your girlfriend? You seem like a guy who believes in the idea of wholesome relationship in the traditional sense of the word, and though this girl may seem interesting due to the challenge she poses, she will probably not be satisfying in the long-run.

    So if you are unable to compromise to her needs, which you really shouldn’t if you aren’t interested in only developing a fuck-buddy relationship with her, then search for another girl. In your position, I would continue sleeping with this girl but on the side look for other girls that would suit my notion of girlfriend material. What do you think?

    Reply to Comment

    Martin Reply:

    @Robby G,
    I totally agree. She doesn’t seem like GF material. To be honest, I knew that from the beginning, but logic inevitably gave way to desire.

    I called her on Sunday after she sent me a random txt on friday; no response. This is pretty typical of her. I was going to invite her to a movie premier next Saturday, but to be honest, I don’t feel like chasing her at this point. If she’s not going to hit me back, I think I’m just going to leave her alone until she makes contact. Thoughts?


    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Martin: With these types of girls, the more you chase them the more you withdraw and play mind games. If you lose control from the start then they know how to really keep it and run with it. Try to move on and find yourself someone new, and like you said, give it time until she makes contact first.

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