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Is He Really Worth It?

9 September 2010 No Comment

Hi Robby,
I can relate to stories here and especially your responses are helping me to understand more. I have read a lot of relationship advice, and I have to say the more I read, the more I don’t know what to do. The main theme that comes across is deny your impluses and no contact. Well here goes. I met him online. He emailed over a year ago and I replied. He is younger. We were friendly online. We communicated through IM’s for over a month. I finally gave my phone/text #. He would text me sometimes 3 times a day. This started beginning July last year and were planning to meet beginning Sept. The week we were to meet, I didn’t answer his texts for 3 days (unconscious sabotage on my part). We were to meet on Sun, so I texted him and basically blasted him. He said he was planning on meeting, but transportation became a problem. Told me to date other guys, he wasn’t stopping me. I texted him a couple of times after that over 2 weeks, he never responded. This text relationship had turned somewhat sexually before this set up meeting. After about 3 weeks, one more attempt on my part which used the allure of sex, and he responded, fancy that! We started talking again. Sometime in Oct we met in person. It was due to me, not him, (sounds like chasing, I know). I had gone out on a date with someone else. There was no connection on my part, so it ended early. I texted him, It was a Sat about 9. I told him to lose friends, date, whoever, because I was coming to net him. He did. We drove to a favorite place of his. We made out in car for a little while, didn’t go far. I stopped it. Took him home in about 1 and half hours. He asked me to text when I got home. I did, no response from him. Tus got a single “hey”, not his usual text. I replied later in day, same kind of text. I heard nothing from him. I knew we had a connection, but now doubted whether he was still attracted. 2 weeks later, even at the risk of him thinking I was needy and/or insecure I asked if he was attracted to me. He went on and on about how much he was, no action. Never heard again from him for 3 months. I left him alone no texts. He sent me a very long email, titled long over due apology. Went on to explain he was so sorry for his behavior. He acted childish, got scared, said never opened up to a stranger like that, bs got scared and felt vulnerable. Said I probably hated him, this wasn’t like him didn’t even deserved forgivness. Didn’t know why he walked out on me, (drama).said would make up to me and so on. It was a Sat night about 10 at night. Begged me to answer email right then. I eventually did. This was in Jan this year. We discussed meeting. He had just gotten back on feet, and didn’t have the money to take me out in style. Around March, I had finally agreed to let him come over to watch a movie. The day of around 3pm he called with excuses couldn’t make had to cancel. I said I understood, ( I lied), I really didn’t. I sent a text saying undestood. He sent 2 days later one word text again. I told him what I really thought. Again dissappeared again for a month and half. Sent text saying how much he thought about me. Lost his phone, could have IM, but didn’t know how it would be received. He thought of what could have been and wanted no regrets. I didn’t answer. Next week messaged again, just hey beautful. I didn’t answer again. Then following week I responded. He was wonderful, he started calling on phone. Call me Fri and Sat after being with friends showed he cared. Was super attentive. I had gotten mad at him in the beginning, before he was so attentive. He started off not consistent, so one night when I hadn’t heard from him I said I was done. He snapped right around. We had some sexual text. About 3 weeks went by and I didn’t hear from him for 3 days, he lost another phone, but that week he used other ways to keep in touch. Used other phones left messages telling me he didn’t want me to think he was avoiding me, but had lost phone. The coming weekend we had phone sex on Sat night. Didn’t hear from him Sun, mon and then hear on tues. The messages this week felt obligatory, no 2 way communication. In his favor, I have to say his whole work schudule changed. He was working all nights. He left a phone message that fri night saying we had kept in touch nothing solid though. Also texted me twice on Sat. Early Sun morning I left a thinking of u text. Sunday about two afternoon, still no response from him and I could see he was on computer a lot that day, which was unusually. So, I wrote him that I didn’t like lack of comunucation. I didn’t here anything. Hours went by. So around 7 that night, the dam burst inside me and I opened the food gates. I didn’t call him a jerk or names, but I basically couldn’t understand how he could be so insincere, and much more. I said I didn’t care what he thought of me any more. That he must think that the sex is the real thing and I was glad I never did real thing, if this was a sign of how he would act, and on and on. Heard nothing of course. So mon evening I sent “no contact message” that said I was breaking up with him, (it seemed weird to say this, because what was I breaking up from). It continued (a generic message that was scripted) I felt uncomfortable and stupid for using those words), that the break was best for both of us, I would appreciate if he wouldn’t contact me right now, because I had some big decisions to make and needed time. Finally I said I would contact him when I am ready. 2 days later he responded. He was sorry if I didn’t think he was communicating enough with me, he couldn’t do anything about it and had been very busy at work. Then, this is the kicker and deja vu. He said I know you want to see other people, (I never said anything like that), go ahead, he wasn’t stopping me and he wasn’t ready for a relationship, with sad face at end. That is why I went way back to beginning of “relTiinshio” to show that words were almost identical. What gives? It had been about 2 months of no contact. Then Monday before last. He texted me on a Monday night late, that I am always on the back of his mind. The following sat I went on a date. Wasn’t great and when I got home I started comparing, so I broke down and sent a text with pics, (appropriate ones) “I am always in back of mind, ummm, not sure if that is a compliment, maybe (pics) these will bring me to the front of mind.” I am not sure if he got or not, because that was the first time I sent to this text number. Nothing since then on his or my part, no texts. What do I do? I said I would contact when ready. I want him to, not me. I want him to show he cares, but I hate no contact. Help, help, help. I know he probably doesn’t care like I do, but there must be something there for him or why bother answering anything at all?

It seems like you have taken the “no contact” idea a little too far. For instance, that time that he messaged you and you were going to go out early Sept, you didn’t answer his texts for 3 days. If everything is going fine and he is doing everything that you’re happy with then why ruin things by making him think that you aren’t interested in him. Playing these games is helpful when you see that he isn’t reaching out or acting interested in you. I would suggest that you begin to talk to him more often through texts. Let him feel like he has the upper hand by answering his texts promptly and talking to him rather openly. If the texts turn sexual then play along, if they are strictly friendly then play along. With what you’ve said, I think the guy is just as confused as you. There is a lot of meaningless worry that goes on between the two of you. Playing a little hard to get is a good idea, but not when you refuse to answer his texts for days, or when he disappears on you for weeks at a time. Act like you are above this minor games and talk to him like his bullshit doesn’t sway you.

Personally, I think that he is very uncertain about what the relationship you two share and what he wants with it himself. He tells you that he has you on the back of his mind often and that he likes you, but then acts like he doesn’t want to see or hear from you. His apology emails and lines about being crazy about you obviously leave you thinking that he may be sincere, but it seems like it is just his personality traits that are simply the reasons behind his inconsistency. At the end of it all, you have to look at one thing. You must judge him based on his actions rather than words. You must ask yourself if he is actually the type of person you would like to date or if he just seems to be the type of person you’d like to date based on how he portrays himself through words. If you want him as your boyfriend, would be make a responsible man that you would end up having lots of fun with, or is he someone that you just find mysterous because he isn’t involved in chasing after you. He is very hot and cold. At times he is telling you that he really likes you and constantly is thinking about you, and then at other times he goes for weeks without reaching out to you to even ask how you’re doing. This is what you should be looking at before choosing to reignite this cycle of back and forth drama that neither one of you seems to really know what it is about.

I know I may sound harsh, but I am just trying to have you look at things from a different angle. Instead of trying to get him to change, you should think if he is the right man for you the way he is right now. He has a tendency to say one thing and do a completely different thing, so maybe you should get used to that fact and judge him based on the qualities that are present to you.

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