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Know What You Want and Get it

19 October 2010 No Comment

So I’ve been involved with my FB – who is a friend of a close friend – for
around 8 months now. It started as a strictly FB situation but has gradually
become more confusing and is now at the stage where we see each other every
week and sometimes spend the night together without having sex. I have
feelings for him and it seems as though he does for me – he is very caring
and craves affection from me but completely shuts down at any suggestion of
even dating, let alone a relationship. If/when I mention or have attention
from other men he gets incredibly jealous and angry and he often tries to
make me jealous. If I go out without him he always tries to find out where
I’ve been, what I’ve been doing and if I still want him. He definitely has
emotional difficulties; he doesn’t like affection from other people and is
very closed. However, he often opens up to me about these issues and is
becoming increasingly more reliant on me in general; we still do things as
friends and text each other all the time etc. Every few months we both say
we should stop sleeping together and go back to being just friends but this
never happens; we either end up having sex or just sleeping together for the
night. I would like a relationship with this person as we get on very well,
are very close and are very comfortable with one another. However, there are
no boundaries anymore. He will often say we shouldn’t have sex anymore (and
go back to being friends) but when I agree he still call me and asks me to
stay the night with him which I find much more difficult to read than if we
were just having sex! (which we still do as well!). I am unsure how to
proceed now; I don’t want to scare him away again by bringing up dating/a
relationship but this situation is becoming very confusing to me – all the
time I’m involved in it it is stopping me from persuing other people. He
swings from being cocky about the situation and completely taking me for
granted and being really insecure that I don’t actually want him and will go
out with someone else. Am I completely wasting my time?

The short answer to that question would be yes. You must realize that if when you bring up dating or a relationship to him, he shuts down or rejects the idea completely. He tells you that you two should stop sleeping with each other, which is something he says to make you see that he doesn’t want anything serious from you. He does, however, continue to sleep with you just the same, and he does act like he likes you more than a friend with benefits. He sends you these mixed signals so you do not get the idea that he likes you too much, since he tells you he’s not interested, but then he contradicts his words with the actions he produces. I am not rejecting the idea that he does have some sort of attachment to you, which is why he acts jealous at times and cares enough to make you feel jealous, but I just do not feel like there is enough committment nor is there enough drive for a committment to want to have a relationship with you. Something that may work, I think, would be to distance yourself and to actually stop having sex with him. What this can trigger in him is the idea that he has lost you and you are not there for him as you always used to be. He will realize that you are now into other guys and he is left in the cold. He currently is the one to hold the majority of the control, but if you finally act on the things you used to talk about, which is ending your fuck buddy relationship and going back to being friends, then you will be the one to be in charge. That will make him see that you’re not one to just say things and not mean them but you’re serious enough to actually go through with what you say, and that will in turn get him more interested.

Then again, do you really want someone who goes from one extreme to the next. Someone who goes from being very cocky and arrogant to being insecure and indecisive. You have to know for yourself what exactly it is you want before making any of these moves, because you yourself currently do not make solid decisions even though you discuss them with him. Once you’ve made up your mind, then you can devise a plan of action and stick to it no matter how difficult the process may be.

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