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Let Him Figure Things Out On His Own Terms

28 April 2010 No Comment

So I met this guy a few months ago and we hit it off really well, and began sleeping together. The night I met him he was very drunk, but mentioned to me that he was always on the look out for a relationship, (but again he was drunk). As time went by and we started seeing each other on a more regular basis he would sometimes look at me after sex and tell me that I couldn’t get too used to this because with his job he could end up leaving town at “the drop of a hat”. I suppose its the typical story of the two fuck-buddies where one begins to fall for the other. It has become quite a problem for me and the sex is incredible, absolutely, and nothing replaces it but the problem is I can’t figure him out. I’ve asked him before if we’re “close friends” or “fuck buddies”, because he knows that I have a no bull-shit policy and when I ask something like that its not the usual thing where if he answers honestly I’ll be hurt, I wouldn’t. The problem is he couldn’t answer that question and instead changed the subject. I know we’re friends and we’ve become better friends as the time has gone by but it’s confusing because there are periods of time where I will see him frequently and then periods where I see him quite infrequently…(I still can’t determine if this is entirely because of our clashing work schedules or not). Well to make matters even more frustrating we’ve started talking to each other before we go to sleep more often on days we don’t see each other. On one of those days I told him how I felt about him, I’ve done this before, and that I would be interested in a relationship. He is a very articulate man, but he seemed at a loss for words in answering why we weren’t in a relationship. It was something about how he knows he should be getting serious, he’s watching all of his friend’s getting married (some even having children now), and his parents pressuring him to do the same but he just doesn’t feel ready, (which is also confusing because he was engaged at one point but they broke it off because he moved far away for a dream job). To my knowledge he’s moved on since then. Then he said that there are few people he likes seeing in large doses (I know this to be true, him and my roommate are best friends and they are ALWAYS together and he doesn’t hang out with many other people, really), but I, like my roommate, am one of the few exceptions and simply to think of each other as close friends and just having “fun” for now. The next day he took me out to dinner, and we hung out for a bit and didn’t sleep together (of his own accord, certainly not mine). I didn’t see him for about a week after that, even though we talked briefly in between. I apologize this is becoming a long story but then…we hung out, went out for a bit and then went back to his place and just watched TV until about 5 am. We didn’t do anything but he still kissed me good-bye as he often does (although typically it’s because we’ve just had sex, whereas this time we didn’t). I don’t understand his actions at all. Does it appear that he’s interested but trying not to hurt me? Is he trying to be sweet so I don’t catch on that he’s using me? What is this sort of behavior? I can’t comprehend it at all.


i'll take you away, turn this place into our private getaway
To answer the question if I think he’s using you and is trying to sugar-coat it by beeing sweet, I really doubt it, since he is in fact sometimes even taking you out to dinner and not having sex at the end of the night. His behaviour seems like he is being honest with you and he isn’t ready for anything serious. He sounds like a very deep thinking individual (I’m not sure why, but I get that impression) and it is possible that due to his previous engagement breaking up due to work related reasons, he believes that his job may interfere with any sort of serious relationship he may currently get into, therefore he is a little bit reluctant to give you a solid answer. It seems like he is simply not too sure of what he wants himself and saying you’re his fuck-buddy or girlfriend or just friend doesn’t bring much meaning to him, not because he is using you or anything, but just because he himself isn’t sure and does not if he even wants to give it a label.

Right v. Wrong

As you said, he knows that he ideally should be getting tied down right now due to the parental pressures and the fact that his friends are all doing it, but he just doesn’t feel ready. I’m sure you know that though some things ought to be a certain way, the feelings related to the ought go beyond right and wrong, and he isn’t sure what he should currently do. I believe that he does think often about whether or not he feels the need to get into a serious relationship now and in fact he may even tomorrow ask you a question that you will not expect like if you are ready to move in or whatnot, just do not feel the need to corner him and know that he will come to a conclusion when he feels the time is right. That conclusion could be derived next week or next year, but do the social pressures he faces, I’d bet it’s sooner than later.

What Does This Mean For You?

Well, I’d say you should be a little patient and let the chips falls as they may. Enjoy the time you are spending together and really analyze your own feelings towards him while you still have not gotten deeper than you wanted to. The pressures he’s facing with his friends, family, and work does not simplify his life, so it is best that you are there for him when he needs to escape all of those elements in his life. Be sure to be the one to allow him to see that you are the solid thing in his life that does not act as another pressure or detriment to his life, but in fact something bright and wholesome that he can always turn to. He hasn’t given you any reasons to mistrust him yet so don’t presume that he is using you just because he is not ready to commit.


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