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Love, Lust, or What?

2 January 2011 No Comment

I had this “friend”, who I’d known since I was 16 when we starting working
together. We met up again recently, I’m now 19, he’s 27. We ended up having
a date and ending in bed together, though I later found out that his out of
state for collage girlfriend, who I thought was separated from him, was
still very much in a relationship with him. I knocked him senseless for it,
of course, and a week later she actually dumped him for reasons she hasn’t
told him yet, and he came to realize “Oh, wait, I actually did like her!”.

Somehow, we’ve developed an odd friendship/sexual relationship. I was
fighting it from the start, since I’ve never had or really agreed with
casual sex outside of a relationship, but he kept pushing and I usually gave
in each time. It’s been going on for maybe a month and a half. Last night,
for the first time, I played a bit of an experiment. I was craving someone
to give actual love to, and so, for the first time, I initiated sex with
him. Only I put real emotion into it and treated him the way I would have
treated someone I DID love and was in a committed relationship with. As I
suspected, the following morning he was more solemn, and now this evening he
admitted what I had been trying to tell him for a month and half: sex is an
emotional experience, and if he is truly still in love with his ex,
having sex with another person is going to be too draining on the heart.

I’m interested that this happened directly after giving him actual emotions,
though, and a part of me is wondering if it isn’t now too hard on him to
continue because he felt himself responding TO the emotions…in other
words, he was starting to care just a little too much. What do you think?

I think that he may be interested in you and his ex as well and he is fighting himself for which he really wants. The emotional night you spent together of course opened his eyes to something you two may have and that may have confused him even more. However, my question is directed at you: Do you in fact love him? Because you said that that night you “treated him the way I would have treated someone I DID love and was in a committed relationship with”. If it came down to it, do you yourself know if you do love him or at least would grow to love, or are you just simply looking for someone to love, which does not necessarily mean that he is that special one but it could be any you get to know well enough at this point in time. You have options here and you have the ability to decide what it is you want. Do you want only him or can it be anyone who is willing to be there for you, due to loneliness or whatnot?

To answer your question, I do think he was starting to care a little too much and though sometimes men use a line like that to get out of a relationship, it seems like he is quite genuine about his intentions. Also, keep in mind that if someone who is in love with their ex still, it is only with time they move on. And even though they may begin to care for someone new, it is usually as a rebound and does not turn into anything too serious. He is outright admitting that though the rebound brought him the satisfaction he initially sought, he isn’t sure if he will be able to continue because of the emotional pain it is causing him. It’s probably best to seek someone who isn’t still infatuated by his ex and would jump at the opportunity to get back with her. That way they will be fully committed to you, whether it is only sexual or if you are both looking for something more, such as a relationship.

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