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Loves Me, Loves Me Not!

29 January 2012 No Comment

Hi Robby,
I need boy input here! My question is: as a guy who is in a f/buddy relationship
with a girl who has obvious feelings for the guy, would you ever say “i
love you” in a playful way (like in a joke or backhanded way) or do guys
avoid any non-serious use of the L word like the plague? I would have thought
the latter, but an FB of mine really surprised me by uttering the L word (in a
backhanded way). I’m trying to figure out if that’s all it was — a bizarre
backhanded comment that slipped out at the height of passion, or if it could be
a shred of an indication that this guy may have some love bug going on…

The story: I’m a girl in an open relationship. I’ve had fun with lots of sex
friends without getting emotionally attached. BUT there is one guy that I got
stuck on… he was in a messy break-up when we first met, and he knew all about
my open relationship thing.

Something about us clicked and a strong attraction grew between us that was
different to anyone else, and for the first time, I had feelings for an FB.
Overall though, he was often reserved, elusive and distant, he was hot and cold,
sometimes rude, and played games throughout our 10-month affair, sending mixed
messages. He always avoided any “I really like you” kind of
comments or anything that would pin down his feelings. I was always honest,
direct and open about things, and I know he took advantage of this. Anyway, in
the end I moved abroad and our desire for each other was still strong but my
feelings were mixed; I liked him, but I was hurt, due to his
reserved/hot-cold ways. We kept in touch for 2 years without seeing each other
(even though I tried to break it off a few times) and then we had the chance to
meet again (he is now not so happily married to the gf of the messy breakup).

We had a fantastic, passionate meeting, during which he kept exclaiming how he
loved this and that about my body (he likes a bit of dirty talk). Then he said
“I love you and your sexy [body part].” I didn’t know
what to say! I was shocked that he would utter any kind of I love you, no matter
how backhanded, dirty or bizarre.

Isn’t this something any FB should avoid saying??? I was the one with
the feelings but I would never have said “I love you” to him in
any situation, be it serious/jokey/dirty talk.


During sex, a man is liable to say many things that pass the sphere of logic due to the level of high arousal. It doesn’t mean that he was completely lying, it just means that he tried to put into words what he was physically feeling at the time, and an “I love you and your [body part]” could have been the best way for him to express himself. You mention that he was quite conservative in the past about showing his feelings and he made sure that there were no confusions between the open relationship and anything more formal. So I would bet on it that he said what he did just out of the passion of the moment and would not put much weight on his words.

Now, concerning your question whether men fear the L word like the plague or if they joke around with it at times. Well, all men are different and to some an “I love you” isn’t as meaningful as to someone else, but for the most part a man does watch what he says and keeps the L word reserved for someone special, or at least for someone he thinks to be special. Then again, as I mentioned, at a time of passion, a woman should not take everything a man says at face value.

Also, an “I Love you” can be said to someone out of appreciation. I know it’s not the case here, but I want to illustrate that sometimes the L word does get thrown around without any real meaning. For instance, if a girl found my keys for me, I could say something like “Oh thanks, I love you, I’ve been looking everywhere for them.” She could be a complete stranger, but I’d still use the L word. She would obviously understand that I don’t actually love her, but am showing appreciation. What I want to say by that is that everything, including the L word, has to be viewed relative to the way the man is saying it. So unless you sense the authenticity, then there is no need to think otherwise. If an “I love you” slips out then you have to make a judgement call of whether you think he meant it or didn’t. But for the most part, especially if it is said during a night of passion, then it’s nothing worth dwelling over for too long.

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