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Man’s Perspective on a Fuck-Buddy She’s Into

26 May 2010 One Comment

Your blog is fascinating.. and you’re such an adorable boy to be so
knowledgable in controlling your sexual desires from emotions. I was hoping
you could give me some male’s perspective on my particular situation.

I met this man about 4 yrs ago.. He pursued me for about a month, and after
we had sex for the first time.. We became FWB. He followed the rules but
broke many as time passed by. I don’t think it’s humanly possible for a man
and a woman to be intimate with each other for 4 years and never develop any
emotional connections. You see, even though we were FWB; because our time
we have seen each other change, we’ve been there for each other through dark
moments, we’ve seen each other go through painful experiences.. and even now,
I still have butterflies whenever I see him walk through my door. It’s
funny, that I could sense him struggle with himself to be binded to this FWB
rules, and to just let things be between us. We would talk about our lives,
we would share tender moments, dark secrets, fears, love — throughout the
night. We would sleep holding each other, and when morning comes we were
back into our single lives.. we were each other’s confident.. and we never
left the bedroom. He was very good at keeping this as it is, but there is
no doubt that he loves me.. Just whenever I bring up the issue of actually
being in a relationship – he shuts down. Or whenever he wants to spice
things up, he’ll disappear for a while until I threatened to end this
strange agreement.. and there were many times which I’ve had. Somehow we’ve
managed to always end up together. No matter how mean I was to him, or how
much I’ve insulted his ego or how much he’s hurt me and vice versa; we
always end up back together.. I never understood why he wouldn’t just let me
go if he didn’t want a relationship, he always came back.. But he is like a
rock. Whenever we’d get too emotionally attached to each other, or for one
moment he’d let himself be too emotionally deep with me, he would pull
himself all the way back.. and when he gained his composure, he would return
for more.. and our cycle continues.. Even though I love him very much, I’m
getting extremely tired of this arrangment, it was fun for the first year,
but every year afterwards he would show up and things got to be deeper and
deeper.. I just hope that if this is all that it is.. i could finally just
end this for good.

Anyhow, sorry to give you such a long background. I just wanted to know
from a guy’s point of view.. What is up with this guy. Does he want me or
not.. Whenever the “talk” comes up, he runs and hides.. or am I just being
too stupid?

When someone says it’s not you, it’s me, it’s true in this situation. The problem isn’t necessarily with you, because he clearly likes you enough to sleep with you and continue to do so for 4 years. The problem is in him. It may be difficult for him to commit. I’m assuming that during the time you two were together as friends with benefits, he has not really shown too much interest in other women, not in a sexual way, but for instance desiring relationships with them. If you want to understand men with commitment issues, read this post that I have previously written.

What’s He Thinking?

He is satisfied with the current situation, and he does genuinely care for you, but he just does not want to commit. He knows that any serious talk about starting a relationship will just complicate things. Even though he currently believes that he will easily be able to distance himself and move on if he finds someone else who he feels is more suitable for him, he may be fooling himself because he already has devoted more time than a normal friend with benefits devotes to this sort of arrangement. The game that he is playing right now, which is basically acting very warm and caring when he is around you, but could disappear for days without asking to hang out (I suppose) is typical for men that do not like feeling obligated to anyone and really value their liberties.

You’re not being stupid, it’s just he is being unclear with what he wants. He may not be doing it purposely, but he just himself does not exactly know what he wants. To uncover his intentions and make him realize what he wants, tell him that you need to move on and he is not satisfying you with the arrangement. There is so much you can take and if you are not happy with the arrangement and if he does not want to improve the situation then you must make a decision and find someone else., or at least tell him that. See what his response will be. Tell him that this time it is not like the others and if you “break up” then you will really break the connection. This way you will discover for a fact what if he cares enough for you to make changes to himself. If he decides to move on and will be okay with it then you will know that he was not on the same page as you. Your initial question was not really asking me what I think you should do, but I thought I should add it anyways. But to answer from a man’s point of view, I think he is just extremely terrified of commitment and is not rady for anything more serious than he currently offers. The ultimatum, however, may make him realize that this rediculous fear he has may be the cause for him to lose a pretty great person from his life, and that may trigger a desire to actually take the leap. Make him feel extremely comfortable when you bring up the subject, but do not act too lovey-lovey and depended, because it is usually losing control to love that men with commitment issues fear most. I hope that helps.

One Comment »

  • Pearl said:

    I am currently in the same situation 4 years of FWB and I really wanna know: What you decided to do? How did it turn out? And any regrets?

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