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Moving On is the Hardest Part

15 February 2010 6 Comments

Hi,
My boyfriend and I were together for 5 years until he cheated on me. During the five years he seemed so in love with me and around me that at times i felt like i needed space away from him. He started talking about marriage since we were 17 but i always told him to focus on school so we can prepare for our future. He never seemed focus on school but I needed security and stability for the future, therefore we broke up many times during our relationship but he would always come back and it seemed like he couldn’t live without me.

After he met that girl, he became a completely different person. Very
conceited, into his looks, going out all the time, simply wild and crazy and just the complete opposite of what he was. I felt so betrayed.

This was a year ago. I forgave him, took him back. He expressed that he was very apologetic, he felt guilty. But the relationship was no longer the same. He was acting like if i said one thing wrong he would leave me. for some reason I was afraid of him leaving because he was my best friend. My emotional bank, my emotional balance. Without him, i couldn’t handle my emotions.

Anyway, I recently found out that he’s still cheating on me, with multiple woman now. How does one go from being so in love for so many years to not caring at all? Does he feel any remorse for what he is doing to me? We were together for 6 years, we were each other first everything, how can he treat me like any random girl? Does he feel bad for doing this?

Please help.


Eyes On Me
What I will say may not be what you will want to hear but this is quite a mundane fact that usually occurs with couples who got very emotional from a young age and were each other’s first everything and thought they will last together forever. Though you two were together for 6 years, the relationship began at a young age and he may have mistaken lust for love, and because you were the only one he was with, he may have thought it was as good as it got. Then he was introduced to new girls and saw different things he liked in those girls. I’m not saying that you may have not been the right one for him, but he began to experiment and enjoyed what he felt. You said he came back to you and you felt worried that if you make a mistake then he will leave you, but that worry usually becomes the root of the problem. If you constantly try to make him happy so he doesn’t leave, then you yourself become miserable and cannot act comfortably around him.

Your relationship is off balance and before he cheated on you, you used to be the superior and it was he who couldn’t live without you. Now, however, after he got to feel some freedom with those other girls, he feels a push of confidence that he previously did not have. He uses that newly found confidence to embrace his superiority, and the only way that can be balanced out is if you stop folding to his needs and stop caring that he may leave you if you don’t act exactly how he expects you to.

Remorse vs Blame

I can see that you really are heartbroken over this current situation and you want to know if he feels the same way. The truth is, he probably has mixed feelings about the situation. He could be feeling remorse because he can probably feel how much he is hurting you and knows that the history you two shared is something of great importance. However, he may also be putting a little bit of blame on you for taking so much of his time from him. I know this may sound somewhat irrational, but in many cases where a man has been going out with a girl he loved for so long and then moved on and found new interests in new girls, he tends to want to put blame on his past relationship to be able to move past the emotions he felt for his girl (you) and to easily be able to enjoy his “new, bright future”. My advice for you would be to try and move on. I know it’s difficult but in the long run it will work out best for you. You’re still young and though right now it doesn’t seem like the best choice for you, you will really look back on this relationship and see that the best decision for you is also to look forward to better relationships.

I really hope this one bad occurance doesn’t change your perception of things too much, but just remember to learn off experience and be thankful that you went through this now instead of later on in life when things might have been too late to change.

6 Comments »

  • Disha said:

    Thanks Robby G,

    Some of it was hard to swallow, like where he is trying his hardest to remove all emotions that he had for me. Honestly if he can blame me for wasting his time, I can do the same because he truly was not worth it. And I was wasting his time, he shouldn’t have kept pulling me back into his life for the past year when I wanted to step away. I only forgave him because he seemed truly apologetic and hurt for hurting me.

    I accept that he is dating other women and I would be okay with that but the least I expected was respect and decency. I wish he had told me that he no longer felt the same, he’s bored and that I’m boring and I suck.

    What’s haunting me right now is the betrayal, the fact that he stepped all over me and bruised me mentally without considering how hurt or emotionally damaged I was going to be. That he no longer cared when I cried on the phone for explanations so I can at least know where he stands. At a certain point, I think he enjoyed my pain. Throughout the years I’ve been completely honest with him, sometimes brutally honest. I even told him that we are too young to be thinking about marriage when he was crazy about it. I told him people change, things change, we need to focus on what we have to do in life for this moment. But now, look who changed.

    It’s okay to change, but to forget about and completely destroy the people that were in your life before the new and exciting people came along is extremely tragic. I can only wish him the best and wish the best for myself. I’ve been with him for so long, that’s its hard to make decisions on my own. Like I said, emotionally, he was my balance.

    On the bright side, I no longer have to answer to where I was and what I was doing constantly. I no longer have to feel guilty for going out. I can bring out that confident, outgoing woman that I once was. Life seems very new to me at this point, almost like a re-birth. Change is hard to get used to but I know I can get through it.

    Thanks again Robby G. I appreciate your honesty.

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Disha: There’s always the good and bad times in the relationship, and even though it’s over (or close to being over) now, though your mind will want to look back and reminisce on all the good times, it’s best to avoid it. Forget about the past though it may feel extremely difficult, and focus on the future. I like your new attitude where you looked at the positive things of your new found freedom. Keep thinking that way. Look at all the positive things in life now, embrace them, and go on enjoying life as a strong, young, independant woman.

    Reply to Comment

  • Disha said:

    Hey Robby G, question:

    I’m doing a lot better. I’ve been going out and meeting new people but I am curious about one thing. Once the long term relationship is over and the ex is enjoying his new “bright and exciting future,” does he think about his girl (at all), the one he spent good 5+ years with? If so, in what light?

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Disha: He’ll surely look back and reminisce on the time he spent with you, especially now that you’re moving on. The good thing about looking back at long-term relationships is that people tend to look at all the good times they shared together and forget about the bad. This tends to happen when he won’t be able to find anyone new who is as good as you have been to him, and once he understands that, he may try to get back closer to you, even if not to get a relationship going again but just to be friends. You’ve shared a long history together and it’s something impossible to ignore, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he occasionally thinks about you and wishes things were like they were ‘in the good ol days’ and this tends to happen when he’s feeling down. There always positive and negative aspects to relationships as well as to being single, and any person analyzes and thinks about both those facts.
    Don’t worry though, he won’t hate you. If you continue to stop reaching out to him and prove to yourself and to him that you’ve moved on then you may one day become really good friends.

    Reply to Comment

  • Disha said:

    Hey Robby,

    It’s been 3 months and I’m really trying to move on but lately I’ve been more depressed than ever. I’ve recently found out that my ex and the girl he cheated on me with could possibly be official. They went on vacation for his birthday….and then two weeks after that, he texts me saying that he really misses me and he tried really hard not to contact me but he had to finally. But he didn’t say sorry for anything. I ignored his text because If he really wanted to he could have called to talk about what happened, or what went wrong. He didn’t text me anymore after that. About a week later, he posted pics of his vacation online. And then I find out that this girl is hanging out with his friends and everything. Was it necessary to try and contact me if he’s attached with someone else? I’m glad I didn’t reply because I would have assumed he was single.

    I think what’s really upsetting me is that I genuinely thought that he loved me. I was so convinced. And now, the reality is hard to believe…sometimes it feels like someone just pushed me out of my life. It’s like they are playing the game while I’m sitting in the side benches watching…or thinking at least.

    I just wish…there was as least respect in the end of the day….for him to call it quits and then start something. I mean I’ve known him for 8 years…its hard to believe that I can’t even have a little expectation from him.

    Maybe it’s because i never got a closure…but i don’t want to belittle myself and reach out to him to mend my emotions.

    Anyway, I’m confused, I hate him…and I just can’t wait till this phase of my life is over.

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Disha: I know what you mean, and I have to say the only way it will pass is time. It currently feels like the worst time of your life, trust me I know, but it is only once you begin engaging withthe world along with the passage of time that you will be able to move on. I suggest focusing your attention on anything right now that you enjoy and treating yourself with various enjoyments. Also, try to avert your attention from anything that may remind you of him, that includes certain songs and even fragrences and of course pictures that will make you reminisce. I hope that helps. I know it’s a tough time.

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