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Quit Playing Around and Tell Him

23 March 2010 9 Comments

Hi Robby,

Well this is a long one I am afraid.

Met this guy Dec 2006 we started having sex on a regular basis, we would go
out to the pub together, walk the dogs etc. He would come over 2-3 times
per week, sometimes we’d arrange or sometimes he just turn up. He only
lives up the road from me so we saw quite alot of each other. But we never
discussed what was going on and I didn’t know if there was any commitment or
not, so in March 2008 I went and had sex with someone else and got pregnant.
He asked if it had been a one night stand and I said no we were friends but
that it had never been anything more. I didn’t see him again……..its
like he disappeared off the face of the earth. Then I bumped into him when
I was about 6 months pregnant and we were chatting and he said that
eventually all women break our (mens)hearts. Did I break his heart then?
Didn’t see him again until my little one was about 6 months old, we had been
texting and agreed to go for a walk. We chatted and he kissed me. Didn’t
see him for months, I moved house to another town, he ignored the couple of
texts I sent and hey presto nothing. Then at christmas 2009 he text me out
of the blue. I replied chatty and nice and said I would be moving back home
(down the road from him) again in February then nothing until I text him on
New Years eve and said that I had missed him. From then on we text
everyday, agreed to meet up, went for a walk had lovely time, continued
texting until he had no credit and then he started to put notes through my
door in reply to my tests or would text me from his sons phone. I invited
him round and he came, had obviously made and effort, gave me a really nice
bottle of wine and we had a lovely evening together and of course ended up
in bed. The sex is great (best i’ve evr had) and we started to explore alot
more this time roundhat we each like and want. After we cuddles up in bed
and went to sleep, he never used to cuddle up to me but now he does, held me
so tight all night. Then he left the next morning, I asked him over the
following weekend and he said he was busy, then he text on the tuesday after
and said he would do the following weekend. Same thing happened as before
and we had a great evening. Now this is where it gets tricky, I text him
asking him to come round for dinner, he said no, I left it then on the
friday text and said do you want to come round, he said he was busy again.
I thn text back and telling him that I really liked him and wanted to see
more of him not less. No reply. I then saw him on my way home and blanked
him completely. So that night i got together with my mates we wre drinking
etc and I text him, we then proceeded to have text arguement whereby he said
he thought we were just two adults having fun and that was it and he didn’t
want me to be hurt blah blah blah, but he hoped that this would not affect
our friendship…..so in my infinite wisdom I text back that we were clearly
not friends and were just fuck buddies and that as I wanted more it was
better that I move on even though it made me sad that it would end. So over
the weekend I see him in the street a couple more times, he waves, i ignore
him. Childish or what, but I am hurting, then sunday night I realise that
actually I want it back to how it used to be, i really miss him and even if
its only sex that is better than never being with him again. Also he only
had one of the dogs with him and I am worried something has happened to one
of them as she had been ill (i text him to see if they were ok, no reply),
so I clearly do want to be freinds and care but feel that I have ruined
everything by being such an idiot. How do I turn the situation round? I
really like this guy and want us to be friends and have great sex, maybe one
day more. He is a quiet person and a deep thinker, never has discussed any
emotions with me, but what I cannot understand is why he was being so nice
and so loving towards me if he didn’t want more. Please give me advice. XX


To quickly answer why he was being so loving towards you if he didn’t want more is because he in fact did want more. That simple thing he said “eventually all women break our (mens) hearts” should have rang some bells for you that he actually does (or at least did) like you more than just any other fuck buddy. You have to realize that when it all started, though he might have seemed to be alright with the relationship you two shared, it is clear that he wanted something more solid and formal and hoped that it would develop over time. The reason why he dissappeared just like that was because he felt like you cheated on him and acted indifferent to it because to you he was only a fuck buddy relationship.

Why is he Always ‘Busy’

femme noir #1
Photo by f_mafra
When you came back to town and began reigniting what you two shared before, he simply could not handle it. What you two shared before was something special to him, and you getting pregnant without any remorse made him feel betrayed, thus breaking his heart. I’m sure during the time he tried to cope with it, he had the normal feelings of utter hate for you for doing something like that, but upon your return, when you acted nice and caring for him, he began to feel for you again. This time, however, he thought it would be on his own terms. Getting under your skin by saying he was busy and by not answering your texts was just a way of getting back at you. He saw that you were again interested in him, but he did not want to be the one chasing you this time around. I’m sure the relationship you two shared before your move really had a big and negative impact on him, but he learned that when you withdraw from a woman that cares for you, she begins to want you even more. He is using this method now to get back at you for what you had done to him, but now that you want him as someone more than just a fuck buddy there is something you must do that goes beyond simple text messages, because in truth he does really care for you.

Resolving Your Problem

When you know he will be home, go over to his house and knock on the door. Stop peeking around the bush and actually confront him. Be straight to the point and tell him how you feel. Apologize for making him feel like you were unfaithful to him and tell him that you would like to go out with him sometime. But make sure to end that conversation by telling him that you understand if he wouldn’t want to be friends with you anymore and that you are willing to not see him anymore if that is what he wants. Make him feel like you grant him the final decision on whether or not he chooses to be with you, but let him know that you will be there if he chooses to leave everything behind and move on with a clean slait. Your “childish” antics of not waving back to him in the streets makes it evident that you do really like him and would love it if he liked you as much as he did before anything ever went wrong. And I personally think that there is a bright future for the both of you if you just both stoped acting like there is nothing wrong when both you are clearly unhappy when you are apart. Communicate with him in person (not through little, emotionless texts) and express to him what you feel. You are not in the beginning stages of any sort of relationship, but you are way beyond that at this time, so it should not scare him that you are open and direct with him. The only thing that may frighten him is of course that you have a child with another man that you are taking care of, but he may even look past that if he really does like you as much as I think he does based on what you’ve expressed.

9 Comments »

  • Caroline said:

    Thanks Robby, I think this is what I will do. I know I need to talk to him, but I suppose I am scared he is going to reject me completely. Do you think it will work? I cannot believe I would be daft enough to read all the signs wrong, I’ve had my fair share of experience and fuck buddies in the past to know the difference I think.

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Caroline: Unless he is completely keen on forgetting about you and never having to do anything with you then he will not dare reject you. With what you have expressed to me, it sounds like you’ve read the signs correctly and he is just very hurt right now, but would give in to sincerety.

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  • Caroline said:

    Well, didn’t quite go according to plan. His son was there so he couldn’t talk. He was nice though and we just had a quick chat about his dogs etc. I text him when I got home just to say that – ‘All I wanted to chat about everything and trust me to pick a night he was with his son!! it would be good to see you sometime but I understand if you don’t want to and that I was sorry for hurting him and sorry for being nasty on friday night. Its up to you but I am here x’ He replied, ‘thanks for the text, i will text you in the morn ok x’. So waiting for his text, not sure what to do next? He couldn’t really look at me when I went round and was kinda shy, but obviously did want to talk to me.

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Caroline: Well he did reply to your text and was appreciative for it, so all you have to do is wait until he makes the next move. If he seemed shy, then I think it is important for you to act caring around him and he will see that you are actually looking forward to a relationship with him and to leave all the negative things in the past. Don’t worry too much. But keep me informed. Cheers 😉

    Reply to Comment

  • caroline said:

    Well, he text eventually, said as the goalposts had moved he didn’t think it was fair or healthy and would feel right to continue even though it was fun. He could forget my emotional bip and move on but it would take some time before we could get back to what we had. So we are friends and will see what happens in time. Maybe he is just not worth the effort.

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @caroline: Well, see how it goes as friends, and feel free to move on to other men. If he’s acting like this now, I think he’ll come around once he sees that you can so easily move on. And that’s what’s healthiest–rebounding as fast as possible. And maybe you’re right, maybe he isn’t worth the effort.

    My motto is, ‘whatever happens, happens for the best’ so don’t even worry about it.

    Reply to Comment

  • Caroline said:

    He is ignoring me now.

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Caroline: So I’m assuming you didn’t move on?

    Reply to Comment

    Caroline Reply:

    Yeah I have moved on, new fb in tow now!! but seeing as we only live 10 doors apart I am a little suprised that he is now ignoring me, after he was the one that wanted to stay friends.

    Reply to Comment


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