Home » Relationship Tips

Retreat and He will Follow

22 March 2010 15 Comments

I have been seeing this guy as fuck buddy for about a year now. And i liked
him ever since, like i’ve cried over him. But i just can’t say it to him, because
i think he only sees me as just a fuck buddy. And now, he has a girlfriend,
though he didn’t confirm it, but i saw pictures of them on facebook. So
anyway, I want to let him feel that i have feelings for him, by not making a
fool out of myself. Should I do it? how?

The best way to let him know that you have feelings for him is face to face and in person. I know however that if the feelings are not returned on his part then telling him you like him more than a fuck buddy will not do you any good except give him an excuse to become a little distant. I would personally advise against telling him that you like him and instead try to suppress those emotions for a while until you see how things go between him and this unofficial girlfriend of his. Decrease the amount of time you spend with him and decrease the amount of communication. Maybe text him 10 days or 2 weeks after not having to talk to him and ask how everything is going and feel free to ask him about any relationships he may have. Ask him “how are girls treating you? Get into a relationship while I’ve been keeping busy?” and things of that nature. In situations such as yours where you fear that he does not have the same feelings for you as you do for him, it is sometimes best to act even more indifferent to any “formal relationship” than the man because it intrigues him to the mysteries of why you are not getting emotionally attached. It is once the man sees that he has broken you down and you are emotionally dependant on him that he may feel uncomfortable to be around someone who likes them when they in fact only view them as a fuck buddy.

Cold, Distant, Mysterious

Over the past few months I was involved with a couple of fuck buddies and I viewed both just as what they were: fuck buddies. One, however, ended up liking me more than I wanted her to and she began treating our relationship as something more than what it was. I was not interested in anything serious so I began to avoid her more and telling her that I wasn’t available to go out with her whenever she wanted to date. The other fuck buddy, however, knew exactly what we were and acted accordingly. The funny thing was that though the second fuck buddy did not seem to show any emotional attachment to me, I was able to feel more free with her and did not mind going out to public places with her. We did not call it dating, but just hanging out. She would sometimes tell me she was busy and I was very cool with her distance at times and I even found her coldness towards me mysterious and appealing. We eventually went our separate ways, mutually agreeing to move on, but out of the two fuck buddies, it was the one who acted cold and distant at times and only contacting me when she wasn’t busy to hang out and then have sex, but I found that I would easily be able to date someone like her if I was to allow myself to grow more attached to her overtime than the previous fuck buddy who lay the cards out on the table and revealed to me that she liked me more than a fuck budy.

Though our hearts tell us certain things and we choose to believe that our love will be returned, we still must use our rational mind to play the game correctly and get out of it what we want even though it may take more time and patience and deception. Keep that in mind and don’t underestimate the power of a woman when she excells in acting and saying the right thing at the right time while making it seem effortless.


  • isabelle said:

    Thank you so much Robby G. You have helped me through my predicament, bigtime. I hope you don’t mind me around the next time I have such, and the like dilemmas 😀 More power to you!

  • Robby G (author) said:

    @isabelle: Happy to help. Definitely stop by and ask whatever questions you need concerning dating and whatnot. Tell your friends… 😉

    Also, I hope you don’t mind if I use this comment in my testimonials page.

  • isabelle said:

    @Robby G, sure i dont mind, please do 🙂 and will definitely tell my friends about you and your genius mind on dating, by far 😉

  • isabelle said:

    Thank you so much, Robby G! :)) will keep those in mind. More power!

  • FB of your dreams :) said:

    I think I have learned this lesson the hard way. The less you seem to like them, the more they seem to want you. Stay in the picture, but like Robby says, be “mysterious.” One other thing I learned was to act pretty interested when you’re together face-to-face, but then kind of disappear and by lack of communication you are therefore disinterested and guys (and girls too) will always wonder why…making THEM more interested in YOU. Don’t you hate games?? It’s so stupid…but I know I’m the same way. As soon as a guy acts like he’s not into me, bam! I think about him all day. Hmmm…maybe I shouldn’t be sharing this with guys out there ;o)

  • Robby G (author) said:

    @FB of My Dreams;) :Thank you for your comment. I love the input, and don’t worry as long as you keep your name unrevealed, guys won’t know who it is. Sounds like you’re pretty good at keeping to your game. I personally get tired of the game sometimes as well, but in the long run it’s more fun. And it’s interesting to share my thoughts on it and listen to people explain their take on it.

  • FB of your dreams :) said:

    I’m a master, my friend…lol. Except u know my real name. I’m sure some guy is gonna google a question like I did and be like ugh that’s her! And yes, I hate the game, but it’s gotta be played unfortunately. I’ve had a few boyfriends that didn’t play the game and it lasted a while (one for 2 years), but I couldn’t see it going anywhere. Maybe judge the person first. Fortunately, for women it’s a lot easier to see who’s a player. For guys, you might find it a lot further down the road. I’m not a player when I don’t want to be, but I hate being played first…so if a guy is trying to act like that…then I’m gonna do it right back. It’s only fair! And afterall…anything that’s worth keeping is worth playing for 🙂 Keeps it interesting at least.

  • A said:

    Hi FB of your dreams. I need some of your advise. I have similar situation.

  • Diana said:

    Hello, i’ve been going through something similar to this i had first met a guy at work and we started talking texting everyday i was into him and he was into me but i didnt want anything serious and i made that clear to him but one day we just ended up having sex. Next time we decided to hang same thing happend so i decided to ask him if he was down to just being fucking buddies. The chemistry was definetly there and neither one disspaointed the other. But then he started ignoring me or so i think. He would cut our text convos short not return my calls, and we wouldnt hang out anymore. I had started to have a tiny crush on him and i wondered did i scare him off? But then i heard he had gotten back with his ex, and i wondered why hasnt he told me? So i thought maybe he is just rying to break it off for her and he thinks that by ignoring me ill go away so i thought to myself i get it its over okay i get it, until we see each other at work and the way he insists on saying hi .Last time i heard him but ignored him tried pretending i didnt see or hear him but he continued whistling, yelling saying my name playfully until i said a simple hi and then turned he had a dissapointed look on his face and stood there for about a min then took off.. Im so confused?!

  • Jessica said:

    Hey Robby G. So I´ve had this fuck buddy for about 8 months. He sleeps over a couple of times a week, we have amazing sex and we have a lot of fun together. Problem is he´s best friends with my ex, who actually cheated on me and ended getting together with that girl. They are still together and have been for a couple of years now! But my ex called me and begged for my forgiveness all of last year. I never told fuck buddy about this, but I guess my ex, being freinds with him and all might of. Anyway, for some reason f buddy seems to think my ex would really care. I actually thought this was an excuse, but his best friend told my best friend the other day, that the only reason f buddy doesn´t date me is because of my ex. Anyway, F buddy and I were having fun and no strings attached, he´s obviously a bit of a commitment phobe but I was just looking to have fun also, I never thought it would evolve into something for so long.. everthing was obviously very secretive because of my ex (one of his best friends). I started realizing though that as I, he had told some of his close friends about it and everyone was kind of loving the idea. He would always sleep over and lately was even inviting me to hang out (out of the bedroom) with a different crowd of friends he has. We basically go out in the same crowd and even though we act as normal “friends” and are indifferent to each other most of the time in public, we always go home together and he always sleeps over and cuddles. The other day though, after the last week we had had a great time actually hanging out and we were kind of getting closer, he goes and kisses a girl in front of me at a party. He was completely wasted, and my ex was actually there, no excuse though. He´d never ever done anything like that before. I thought this was pretty much, and I obviously like the guy so I was hurt. After this much time I think it´s impossible not to care a LITTLE. So anyway I called him on it, cause common he´s free to do what he wants but no need to do it in my FACE.. especially when we had been kind of growing closer lately.. anyway comments of his friends seem to indicate that he does care about me but that he´s scared of what his best friend would say. After I called him on it and told him that I thought it was a little too much for him to do, and that we were having fun and Iwas fine with the no strings thing but that there were certain limits and that I didn´t found that disrespectful, (I kind of wanted to lay my ground, I´m not the kind of girl who takes all kind of shit and I haven´t been seeing anyone else so I was honest and put my foot down at this) he turned things around and said he´s sorry he made me feel that way and that we better leave things as they are so we would avoid confusions in the future. Acting as if he doesn´t care. Does this really mean he doesn´t give a shit? What should I do now? Please help. I like him, and I´m not looking for a huge commitment I just found that a little TOO MUCH . I am 100% sure that if I would have hooked up with a guy in front of him he would have said I was a slut or who knows what.. so it pisses me off that now he´s trying to get out of the situation and making me feel guilty for calling him on it. What should I do now? I never replied anything to when he told me that since the whole discussion was via text btw. I should also mention this is a guy who has HUGE issues with expressing himself and communicating. And I mean mAJOR issues, never met anyone more unable to confront things and talk than him. Need your advice on what to do now. Should I disappear so he misses me? or should I keep going out and act indifferent? I seriously don´t know what to do to make him react and I´m really sad and want to know what to do!

  • Learned the Hard Way, Ugh said:

    Very insightful blog you have here, Robby G! A topic such as this definitely needs its own advice column. Anyway, I just wanted to comment that these games we play suck! Whether it’s part of the dating game or in a fuck buddy-ship.

    I made the stupid mistake of letting my thing with my fuck buddy go on for too long (2 years)… when we first met, he knew that I wasn’t looking for anything serious, so of course, how could he say no to that? And I thought it was going to be cake to not fall for him since he has some baggage (divorced with a 10 year old son!) As gross as it may sound, I didn’t really care about what he did with other girls because he wasn’t my boyfriend. But I think the line started to blur when after a few months, he’d ask me nicely to stay and cuddle after sex and he’d randomly give me kisses. At the time, I just thought I’d stay to entertain him with that. I guess that was a mistake because I think it sent my body the wrong signals. And like I mentioned already, I didn’t care what he did with other girls. if I texted him for sex, but he wasn’t available, I’d just be like whatever. However, it didn’t go that way, vice versa. He’d get mad at me whenever I tell him that I am not available because of whatever I was doing. That should have been a red flag for me. But the sex was so good that I still wanted to keep him open as an option. Bad idea.

    ANYWAY, I should have just fucked him once and never have responded to any of his texts after that… I started off being the one who was indifferent and that’s when he would always be hitting me up along with frequent foreplay texts lol. But after a few months, I think that oxytocin in my body made me start to like him, which is when I started to avoid him and give him excuses as to why I can’t hook up with him (celibacy, wanting to date other people, etc). I should have been straight up with him but I didn’t want to show any of my feelings, but all those excuses didn’t stop him from trying to persuade me to get together for a hookup. Finally one night, while he was trying to convince me to hook up with him, I told him that I like him… and said that I didn’t care what he thought because I needed to be honest. He responded back with “I like ya too.” Of course, that was a bunch of bullshit, but since I became vulnerable at the time, I ate that shit up. So after our last fuck session, as I was getting ready to leave, he said to me “don’t be a stranger” and gave me a kiss before I walked out the door. I was a little bit confused as to why he’d do that… I’ve texted him twice after that, and only got a response for one. He responded to the one for when I was drunk and horny but he was made an excuse so I gave up. I haven’t heard from him since.

    Big picture wise, I know that it’s a good thing that he’s not dragging this out anymore. But it just sucks that he had to be so into me/it when I was cold. And once I caught feelings and opened up, he was done with me and it kind of hurts. I just need to move on already. But I guess I had to learn this the hard way. :-/

  • i can fly but i want his wings said:

    Sorry English its not my first language. kind of the same happened to me. more than a year ago i met this guy in a bar. im gonna call him Alejandro. i was by then eighteen and though id made out with a whole bunch of guys before, i still was a v.
    then this gave asked for my number and next day i got a mess to hang out we had like a date for those 6 months hed always invited though most time i wouldnt let him and i paid for it too. wed go to places as the park, watch movies etc. he treated me as a gf but since hed ended from a relation not that much time ago i didnt wanted to label it. hed go pick me from college, and from my intuition i can tell u he was a lot into me but he wouldnt tell maybe because i was so mysterious, dont know. the fact is that i lost it to him before summer and after we did not see each other too much and after i didnt get any mess back for about a week for no reason, i got mad at him. and since then we became resented to the other. but after summer he came back again and i remember he told me he loved me but i didnt answered back,(it was right after sex so i thouth it could just been misunderstood). then everytime we meet its just for sex i miss smthing more like we used to have, even if its not labelled. ive been with lot of guys since summer like six. but just making out not sex. its like i only want it from him. lately he cares to get me satisfied and dont know why since i dont truly care and even dont know why i keep meeting him since its me the one who goes pick him up (i know: ironic) cause his car its broken. i know i have some guys afer me in my group of friends and neighbourhood but no, i want the hard one but sometimes i think of it and get to the conclusion that its because he asked e for that number in the first place. i am very stuborn i made up my mind, my illusions to be with him one day. dependency its the pharadigma of you i want to be independent i know what i want and how to obtain everything i want in life, everything just with no atachments because i dont own anything and anybody owns me a thing.

  • Melinda said:

    Hey, I’ve got a similar situation and just want to know if anyone had any advise for me..

    Basically I started dating this guy on new years eve, it was all going magical and perfect he was always being nice would ring/text/call me all the time. He asked to meet my parents and was coming over on a regular basis we were practically going out. Until last week he started acting really cold and distance and I didn’t understand so I kept asking him and texting him calling him which I know see was a big mistake. But at the time it felt like I could because he was practically my boyfriend. One day after this happend he came on facebook and said we needed to talk, I already knew what was coming.. He said he didnt want a relationship and we went too fast too soon and we should stop seeing each other before anyone gets hurt, used the its not you its me line.. then I was so scared of loosing him I offerd the we can be friends with bennifits card! saying it didnt hav to be anything serious that he could see other people as much as I could and we would just be seeing eachother aswell .. The thing is I really like him and I want to be more than this I want to make him fall for me! I do have the advantage that we have not slept together yet but i’ve told him i want to be friends with bennifits so i think that is what he is going to be expecting that we will do .. what should I do?

  • jane said:

    Hi Robby G!

    I’ve been with this f bud for just a month now (officemate), he’s just so nice and always want me to go to their house and even wants to take me with him out of town! I’ve been so distant and cold, I even told him that I’m still with my boyfriend. He thinks my boyfriend is ugly and he makes fun of him every time we are together, but I also see him flirting other girls at the office even he texts me that I’m just the only one that he is making out with. Now, I’m leaving the company and I wouldn’t get to see him everyday, I’m starting to fall for him because of his looks and coolness I even want to break up with my boyfriend for 4 years.

    He is also asking me to kiss him at the office. He wants me to show our officemates that I’m after him. When I keep on sending the message that I’m not sweet enough to do some cheesy stuff. So what to do??? I’m sooo messed up. I don’t want the guy (boyfriend) I am with now. But I want some assurance that fuck buddy will fall for me too. Because I know that this is just a game, and the one that’ll fall first will lose

  • anastasia said:

    basically,im older than my fuck buddy,we both mutually agreed to be friends w benefits and keep it just that. well,long story short,he has no car at the moment,so i go get him,he stays over. well he says things that are more than just a friends w benefits kind of tone,like he says he loves me,he says how much i mean to him,and even got angry when he thought i was angry with him.i reassured him and he said our bond is so strong ,he will not let anything come in between us. its been a week and i havent heard anything cept for a quick text to say he misses me and hes been thinking of me. now nothing at all…at first i was upset,bc of course i have broken my number 1 rule,and caught feelings,…im just going to give him space and pretty much ignore him,i hate the game ,but i figure i have to play since i obviously want him. any last minute advice??

Leave your Thoughts!