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Reveal Your Dark Past Lightly

11 March 2010 2 Comments

I met a guy at a party about a week ago that I’m extremely interested in
(which is SO rare!) and whom as far as I can tell is interested in me too,
he meets every criteria you’ve said about men being liking a woman. We’re
still getting to know each other and are planning our third date. We’ve
already had sex and he treats me like his girlfriend in front of his friends
so I think things are looking good for an exclusive relationship. We met on
extremely bad terms; his friend overdosed on alcohol at the party we met at.
I happened to be awake so I tried to save him along with other people after
we noticed he wasn’t breathing. The new guy was passed out already. Because
of this, we’ve gotten to know alot about each other’s character in tough
situations (death, the funeral, deep conversations, emotional support, etc.)

In the last relationship I was in (5 years on and off) I was cheated on ALOT
then became the cheater . I cheated on my ex with 2 mutual friends of ours
(I knew one for years before my ex and he knew the other first). I don’t
want to lie about anything in my past but I don’t want to scare this amazing
guy away.

Also, my best friend of 7 years introduced me to this great new guy. I had
sex with that same best friend 2 months prior to meeting him. This is
another thing I don’t want to lie about but would also not like held against
me. I don’t have feelings beyond friendship for my best friend, it was just
drunken consensual sex between two singles that’s only happened a handful of
times since I’ve known him.

I don’t want to lie because there’s no point starting a relationship on a
foundation of lies, how can I explain things to him without him completely
writing me off as a cheater, homie hopper or slut?

Any advice would be helpful.

Thanks for your time,


Some people will tell you, well if he likes you then he’ll accept you as you are with all your prior flaws or mistakes. I don’t agree with that mentality, because he only accepts you know for what he currently knows about you and not what you have done in the past. I truly believe that somethings should be kept secret up until the point he asks you about it. A lie is when you tell him something which is untrue. If you one day decide to sit him down and tell him all of the things you just mentioned to me then he will perceive you in a different light. Why? A few reasons. First, he has a constructed image of you currently and that will get shattered once all these new negative impressions form of you. Secondly, he will see that you recognize that what you have done in the past were “inappropriate” or wrong and you still went through with them. He will most likely not accept your awknowledgement of your mistakes as an embrace, but rather either consciously or not condemn you for them. We have to accept the fact that people create impressions of people and even if they don’t want to, those impressions still make impacts on how they perceive and treat that person.

White Lies

I think that it would be best to reveal to him the truths about your past (only if you have to) little by little. You have shared a lot together with the funeral and all and he has seen the compasionate and sensitive side of you which is what made his first impression of you. If it ever comes up that you have slept with the mutual friend that had introduced you to him, then tell him that you thought he knew and brush the subject off. Say that it was something unimportant and ever since you have been with this new guy, you haven’t even looked at other men. Also, if you feel like you have to tell him certain parts of your past relationship of five years, do it while in conversation rather than feeling the need to lay all your cards on the table for him.

Playing the Victim

A man who likes a woman will usually take her side when she explains a certain situation, no matter how wrong she might have acted, as long as she acts like she was the victim. If one day you begin talking about past relationships and he asks if you ever cheated on your past boyfriend, tell him the truth, but make it skewed towards your advantage. Tell him that you found out he was cheating on you and towards the end of the relationship, when it was falling apart, you slept with a couple of different guys, but neither of those guys were nice guys who wanted relationships. Instead of a cheater or a slut, you become the girl who was used by assholes. Now, however, you found a man who is justifiably right for you, because he doesn’t treat you like those assholes from your past. Make him feel like he is the only real man out there who is worth anything and that you’re happy with him. This way he will see that just as long as he acts accordingly and doesn’t cheat, then you will be loyal and won’t have any desire to cheat either because you don’t have any real reason to.


  • Casey said:

    Thank you so much for answering my question so fast! Your advice is really helpful and realistic, most people are like, “just tell the truth” but the delivery and tone of the truth is just as important. Thank you, its always nice to get a man’s take on things when he knows what he’s talking about 🙂

  • Robby G (author) said:

    @Casey: Happy I could help. The delivery of the truth is just as important as the truth itself, especially when you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t know you too well and is still forming a founding impression of you. Just another suggestion, to rush to tell him the truth and let it come naturally over time. Thanks again for the question.

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