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See if He’s Willing to Take a Chance

6 August 2010 5 Comments

Hi Robby!
I met this guy four months ago. We texted or chatted online daily. Went out
and dated a whole number of times, he even cooked for me. Always had a great
time, connected well. Took him ages to make first move – almost 2 months.
After first kiss, we went straight to bed, and it was amazing and sex has
been amazing ever since. However, we kinda stopped talking. It’s weird. It’s
like he’s got what he was after and he doesn’t try so hard anymore. We don’t
chat online for instance anymore. If he’s away, he’ll go for days at a time
without contacting me, then another day we’ll exchange a whole string of
SMS. We don’t make any plans together. He doesn’t seem genuinely interested
in finding out stuff about me. Never asks. He doesn’t get jealous or hides
it well. After going to bed together, I expected this to take the course of
a normal “loving relationship” but he’s keeping it very casual. We’ll still
do stuff together – we’ve even been camping for a weekend and it was great
fun, but it just lacks any show or expression of feeling and real affection.
I was taken aback by this. And tried to stop myself falling for him full on.
Thought I could, but its really difficult and confusing. I’m getting mixed
signals.
What is going on inside this guy’s head? He had a bad break-up some months
back, perhaps he doesn’t want to get emotionally involved and hurt.
I’m trying to play it cool. The chemistry is great, sex is fantastic, but I
want so much more.

Do you have any advice for me? I fear telling him outright would make him
run. Playing it distant might make him think I’m Ok with it, which I’m not.
Maybe I could try keep us out of bed and doing more normal couple stuff
together..?

I think the guy
is playing with me. Testing to see what I will put up with. I want to turn
the game around, I want to be the one in control. How do I get his
attention? Make him crazy for me? It’s not entirely a f-buddy arrangement – he
introduces me to friends, gave me a present, we hold hands in public. But he
can go for days at a time without contact. Never voices his feelings (if he
has any).

Many thanks in advance!
Your blog is really useful. Thanks for sharing your wisdom 🙂

I doubt that his previous break up is affecting him too much, but it could be that he doesn’t want to start anything serious at this moment because he had something serious already and is just looking to take a break and “fuck around” more. The fact that he took 2 months to make a move tells me that he hasn’t been too active with women since his break up and it may be that isn’t too experienced in the field of fuck buddies or one night stands. Telling him straight up that you want a relationship may scare him off and you don’t want to do that. I’m afraid it’s going to take some time for him to come around and want to settle down into another formal relationship. You are right when you say that you should try and do some more “couple” activities such as go out to movies and just see each other in public not doing much besides what couples tend to do. You can attract and lure him in by fooling around once in a while, but do not lose track of your goal, which is your desire to date him. If he shows disinterest in dating and when your attempts at just doing the couple thing fails, then it is alright that you let him know that the type of relationship he has in mind isn’t doing it for you and you are looking for something a little more at this time.

I once had a girl, previous fuck buddy, once tell me that she doesn’t think that what we’re doing is exactly what she’s looking for at the moment and was about to break things off completely. And at that point in time I was ready to commit a little more than just keeping her around as a fuck-buddy, so I told her that we should give the dating game a chance. He became a couple for a while and things went well, but it wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t told me that it’s what she was looking for. At first I thought she was happy with out arrangement, but when she told me that I was going to lose her if we didn’t begin to date then I reassessed my intentions. An ultimatum might work, but I think you are in too early of a stage to give him one at this moment. Try engaging in activities couples do and if you see that he is reluctant to meet up unless it is for sex then tell him that you do not think that what you have is exactly what you want and unless he is interested in dating, of course taking it slow in the beginning and without any real committments, then you will have to stop what you’re doing. Tell him that you just want to try dating him and if it doesn’t work out then be it, but at least it will make you happier to have tried and failed than to have just been his fuck buddy and quit on him without finding out for sure if he was ever interested in dating as well.

5 Comments »

  • kamila said:

    Hey Robby!
    Many thanks for the advice, which I’ve been following: doing lots of couple stuff together lately – which he seems comfortable with – while still sleeping together. He seems to genuinely like me, we have fun together.
    However, to put a major “dampener” on things, I recently found out by chance that at the same time, he is actively searching online for other women to meet for dating and sex. I don’t think he’s fucking anyone else right now, but I know he’s looking to.
    So my sad conclusion is, he’s probably just not THAT into me. He’s just passing time while he looks for a “better deal”. Would you agree?
    It’s a slight blow to my female ego but other than that no great harm done, since I’ve been keeping my feelings in check. Anyway, I’m glad I found out now rather than later. Thanks again.
    Kamila

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Kamilia: Maybe it’s just that your relationship is very recent and he’s still keeping his options open. I think that he won’t feel the need to still look for other girls to sleep with or date if you continue to see each other the way you are now. Sometimes when you’ve been with someone for a prolonged period of time, you start to get used to them and the relationship takes a completely new course. So do what you’re doing and I think this will develop into something promising, just keep your emotions in check for now while things aren’t concrete.

    Reply to Comment

  • kamca said:

    Just to follow up: I registered on this site hes using to flirt online. Got his attention and now hes flrting with me. Doesnt know its ME. Feels a bit schizofrenic. But its fun! Great way to find out what your man is really looking for, what turns him on. Although it does feel a bit wrong – like Im playing with his mind. But then if he doesnt feel guilty about what hes doing, should I? I get to find out all his fantasies..

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Kamca: I wouldn’t do that in your position, because in the end this sort of thing doesn’t end good. But of course if you think it’s a good idea then find out his fantasies and get to know him better and then play in to the hand when you two meet. This way you will know the things he wouldn’t tell you directly but may reveal to someone online. You can even start talking about any girls he’s currently seeing AKA “you” and what he thinks about “you”.

    Reply to Comment

    Kamca Reply:

    Youre right of course. I stopped it after a week. Felt very bad for messing with his mind. Would never want someone to do the same to me. I found out more than I wanted anyway. I would say it was useful, but wrong. K.

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