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Shyness: The Destroyer of Healthy Relationships

10 May 2010 One Comment

Hey Robby, lovin your site. I’m having a problem really similar to the girl
who asked about “Taking it Beyond the Random Hook-Up“.

I met this guy at the club back in November. He came up to me and came on
pretty strong. At the time, I didn’t think he was really exceptionally hot,
but I gave him my number. He stayed the night one night but he didn’t get
anything from me. He would text me alot to see if I was going out at night.
He seemed kind of like a player who probably asked alot of people to see
what was up for the night. One night when I did actually go out, he hadn’t
answered my text, and I saw him all over this girl.

I pretty much got the idea of what kinda dude he was and didn’t try and talk
to him anymore. This past couple of months, he’s started texting me alot
again. Like every day, he would hit me up to see what’s up. We’ve started
having sleep overs a few times a week. At first, it was just alot of sweet
cuddling and going to sleep, but my attraction to him has grown and we’ve
started hooking up.

I’ve come to realize that I’m feeling him alot more than I expected to. I
didn’t really think about the consequences when I started getting physical
with him. Now I’m really confused because I feel like I’m getting some
mixed signals and I’m not sure where his head is at with this situation. I
would like to get to know him better; he’s really intrigued me but he’s
pretty mysterious. I’m kind of emotionally shy myself and I’ll only open up
to someone if I’m feeling the signs that it’s safe. Our times together
aren’t exactly overflowing with conversation. I actually feel awkward
around him sometimes, which is weird to me.

He still texts me every night, to the effect that I’m pretty sure he’s not
fucking around with any other girl. I’ve told him that he’s the only one as
well. He cuddles so good, and even after sex, he’ll like to make out and
hold me. He even gave me an eskimo kiss once (haha so cute but wtf does he
want!). He has gotten uncomfortable/even jealous when there have been
other guys around me.

However, I’m apt to think we’re just doing the fuckbuddy thing because he
only texts me late night, and we don’t ever hang out outside of the bedroom.
I’ve tried to kind of leave things open for him to ask me to do something
directly, but it hasn’t happened. So when I see him out coincidentally,
it’s awkward to me.

The other night, he came home with me and we were both kind of drunk. He
was lookin at my phone and saw some texts to my best guy friend that said I
missed him cause he’s out of town. He was like ‘wtf really? I thought you
said I was the only one you were fuckin with’. I said “you are…
physically..?” and he looked kinda hurt. Then he popped “So what ARE
we/what are you feelin” question. Let me just tell you, I’m the type of
girl who is used to having the guys let ME know what’s up and I’m SO
uncomfortable with putting myself out there emotionally. I was pretty drunk
and I now wish I could have the conversation over again. I think I pretty
much told him that I dove into this situation without thinking much and
ended up catching feelings I didn’t expect and I’m not used to that. I said
that I was trying to see it for what it seemed to be and not get overly
involved? Plus, he’s leaving for the summer in a month. I asked him what
he thought, and all he said was “I understand” and we went to sleep. Uhh
wtf.

Anyway, I know this is long and I apologize. It’s just been in my head so
much since I can’t talk it out with him. I feel like my drunken explanation
didn’t come out the way I really wanted it to, and he might be backing off
now. I would love to get to know him better. I really don’t think I can
keep doing what we’ve been doing because it’s just fucking with my head too
much. What do you think he’s thinking, and how should I take it from
here??

Thanks so much.


A few things in your description struck my eye, and though his actions seem a little bit ambiguous, I think it is you who is over-complicating the situation a little bit. You mentioned that you initially thought he was a player and he was flirting with other girls in the beginning of your “relationship”, but then he began texting you every night. He was also very reasonable and waited until you were ready to finally give in and hook up and did not rush anything. He also cuddles with you and does these little romantic things that show how he truly feels around you, yet he still manages to seem mysterious, and on top of that he gets jealous when you are around other men.

Break A Leg
What’s Going on Here?

It is much simpler than you may think. The cuddling, eskimo kisses, acts of jealousy, being hurt when you told him that you do not see any real prospect for a relationship in him all proves that he is interested in you more than just a fuck buddy. It may be that your insecurities and shyness are making you over-think the fact that he may actually like you a lot more than you are allowing yourself to see. Also, try and pick up on certain hints that he may reveal the fact that he likes you, and I discussed some good criteria you may want to read up on here. If he is already acting jealous around you and is showing his affection with small actions like you’ve mentioned then you may want to think about what you’re really interested in. If you like him enough to start a serious relationship, then of course telling him that you do not want to get overly involved was really not a good choice of words. If you want the relationship to work you have to be more confident in the notion that he does like you and even if he isn’t into you as I personally think then you still have the right to believe that he does due to the way he has been acting. It is frequent when a girl’s or guy’s fear of rejection makes them drive away the people the like simply because they are unsure of their partner’s intentions and are too shy to be explicit with their own desires.

The Power of Straight-Forwardness

I know it is difficutl to be fully articulate and straight forward when you are slightly shy or feel awkward around someone, but in this case you have to gain some confidence, get rid of any self-doubt, and tell him what’s on your mind. Take some time and think about what you want out of your relationship and do not fear that he may reject your ideas. He was hurt when you told him that you do not want to get overly involved, yet you are expressing here that you have become attracted to him and want to get to know him better, so what’s most important now is that he knows that you are truly interested in these things. Once you have gathered your thoughts, do not hesitate to meet with him and explain your true feelings. Explain to him that your previous statements did not come out right and not once you have thought about it you have realized you would like to try out a relationship that is more than just a random hook-up or a fuck-buddy relationship. However, do not pressure him and say that if he is unsure if that is what he is looking for then it’s alright too, because you know that he is going to be out of town for a month. Once you lay it out on the table for him, it will be upto him to decide, but at least the thoughts of “what if” will stop going through your head and you will be able to relax easier. Then when the ball is in his court, it will be upto him to tell you how he wants to play it, but based on how he has been acting, he will most likely tell you that he will want to try it out now or maybe once he gets back from vacation.

One Comment »

  • PUA said:

    Sometimes a really straightforward, simple comment or response is what works best. honesty is usually recognized and appreciated.

    Reply to Comment


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