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Some Fuck Buddies Just don’t Get it

15 November 2011 9 Comments

Hey Robby G,
This is my problem.. Four years ago when I was younger, I started seeing
this guy Ryan. This was right after me and my ex of two years broke up, We
went on a date or two and had a lot of the same friends.. So eventually we
started hooking up. I didn’t have any feelings for him because I still loved
my ex and assumed it was just a booty call since I only called him at 3 a.m.
He got mad when I told him he was just my booty call and then stopped
talking to me for a few months, still continued off and on for a year. I got
a boyfriend and stopped talking to him. My boyfriend and I broke up a year
into the relationship and I went and slept with Ryan, never called again and
got back with my boyfriend. We are now split up for good this time and have
been hanging out, sleeping together.. But this time its kind of different
because he kisses me goodbye. He went to the bar with me and my friends,
held onto my cell phone and all that stuff. Kissing me in the bar and drove
my car back to his house. He likes to cuddle after sex and I always stay the
night. I went to give him a kiss on the cheek and he went for the lips as I
left the next morning. I’m confused is if this a fuck buddy or something
more? We talk almost every day and make plans to hang out but he falls
asleep since we have different working schedules but doesn’t make any other
signs really.. Even though when we do talk he tells me exactly what he’s
doing in detail explaining himself.. Please tell me what you think I should
do.

It really depends on what you WANT to do, because it is quite clear that Ryan likes you a lot and wants something more than a booty call. He explicitly made it clear that he doesn’t want to be just friends with benefits since he got mad at you and refrained from calling you once you told him that he was merely a booty call. If you’re not interested in him as anything more than a booty call then he has to realize this, otherwise there will be issues in the future. You did make it clear to him, but I think that now you’re not together with your boyfriend he believes there is a chance that you two may hit it off and have something more serious.

Getting it Through to Him

When you see him and you see that he’s doing things that are inappropriate for a friend with benefits then stick to these rules to avoid making fuckbuddy mistakes. At the same time, you may want to consider maybe having him as a boyfriend because he is already so committed to you that it doesn’t seem like it would be that terrible of an idea. Either way though, you have to know exactly what it is that you want and express that to him while making it very clear.

What’s His Response

Now in the past he had gotten angry when you told him that he’s just a booty call, do you think that will be the same result this time? If it is then it’s probably best not to have him as a booty call anymore, simply because you have opposing desires and needs. Keeping a fuck buddy on call and giving them hope that someday something change between you two while knowing that it most likely will not is a terrible thing you can do because you’re igniting hope and keep that person from pursuing someone else who IS looking for the same thing as them. The only fuck buddy relationships that work out well are those where both partners know that it is strictly sexual and that is exactly what they both want at the time. Now if he doesn’t get angry and just says he knows that it’s only a booty call situation then also be wary because he might not mean it. It all depends on how he says it rather then him actually saying it. So if you have any doubt in him telling you that he’s past the fact that you don’t want him as a boyfriend but only as a booty call then again make sure to end things. Other than that it’s all game.

So the main thing for you to do here is basically make sure to express to him what you want and see that he is on the same level. If he isn’t, well, then move on otherwise it will not end well.

I would be interested in hearing what other readers think about this, and your suggestions are much appreciated in the comment section.

9 Comments »

  • Michelle said:

    Tell him how you feel, it’s the best way here. Keeping him on a string like that won’t end well.

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  • kaitlin said:

    Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my email. Since I’ve written to you a lot has changed. I ended up asking Ryan what was going on. I had text messaged him asking if I could come over one night after I had been drinking and he said “just like that huh” I got upset and took it as he was calling me a slut. I told him that I have asked before what was going on and he didnt answer and that this hurt my feelings but I wasnt going to talk to him anymore. I woke up the next day with a long apology from him saying he was mad but not at me and that he took it out on me. But that he doesnt think of me like that. So then I asked again, is this just sex? And he said ” I mean, I really like you and enjoy the time we spend together, but I thought I was ready for something and Im not, I dont know why I get like this but it really sucks.” So I took it as he didnt want a relationship and said okay thats fine im not looking for one either. And he never responded. I never pursued anything after. I got back with my ex boyfriend, probably a mistake. We seen ryan at the bar the other night and when I walked past ryan he grabbed me and smiled, so I was nice and smiled backm. Then he kept walking by my boyfriend and I for no reason and turned around, like ten times. I walked past one more time and he playingly pushed me and then grabbed me by my waist, I blew it off though. So as always Im still confused by this guys tactics but Im choosing to leave it alone. Thank you again for what you thought, it did clear a lot up. Im thinking hes a commitment phobe and was scared when he really started to like me, maybe im wrong but thats what im thinking.

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    Robby G Reply:

    @Kaitlin: In all honesty, I don’t think he’s a commitment-phobe nor is he just interested in a booty call type relationship. he just said that he’s not ready for anything serious because he’s battling inside of him what he really wants. I think he does like you a lot still but trying to make himself get over you since you’re not helping him any by getting back together with your boyfriend and breaking up again and again getting back together. But as soon as you heard the things he said to you when you texted him while drunk should have been enough to see how he thought of you even though he came up with some lame excuse the next day while clear-headed. Either way though it’s the right decision to leave it alone, because they game he chooses to play is never direct but rather he’ll try to play the victim when anything goes wrong.

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  • kaitlin said:

    Since this last post, I have started talking to ryan again. This time though hes acting very different… Calling me babe and asking to hang out everyday. I havent done anything sexual with him either of the times I went to his house, and nor did I spend the night. I limited this to only an hr and a half. He texts me as soon as I leave which hes never done before, he says things like cant wait to see you. All of which are wayyy out of character for him. Im just concerned that once we do hook up again things will go back to the way they used to be.. keeping my fingers crossed that maybe somethings changed.

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    Robby G Reply:

    @Kaitlin: The fact that you’re changing the way you treat him, in turn changes the way he is treating you. So it shows that he likes you and the way that you’ve been acting is igniting a new found respect and attraction to you. If you keep this up I think there will be a good future for the two of you. Though things began a little rocky doesn’t mean that things cannot develop into something great!

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  • Kaitlin said:

    Dear Robby, Kaitlin again. I have a new issue, not with the same guy though. I’m currently involved with the owner of my favorite bar. He’s 10 years older than me and we have been texting for a month and just recently started having sex. He takes me out to lunch and has me come over to watch tv and what not then of coarse I see him at the bar. I’ve heard from people that he’s a player and to treat him like a booty call but it’s hard to when he doesn’t treat me that way.. I’m extremely scared about this because for the first time in a long time I have real feelings and connection with someone and don’t want to get hurt or come off clingy. He usually texts me all day everyday but then sometimes he doesn’t.. I’m confused if I should pursue this or not. Please help.

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    Robby G Reply:

    @Kaitlin: Though he may be a player, if he doesn’t treat you like a booty call then there’s no need to treat him like one in return. Even men who aren’t used to relationship can change their ways once in a while if they find someone they like. If you two are having a great time together and this feels real to you then you should allow yourself to enjoy it for what it is. If you feel like there is a future (even if it’s not going to be long lived) then you should pursue it. People do change, and the best person to change a man is always a woman. I’m not saying that you have to change him, I’m saying that he may be genuinely interested in you and genuinely want something out of this “relationship” that he did not or was not getting out of previous flings.
    Text back, chat, flirt, have fun, and most importantly go out on dates with him and see how he continues to treat you. If he continues to be kind and caring and does not just decides to end things on a whim then you should enjoy what you two currently share and do not get too attached at the beginning, but if it does turn into something bigger then you’ll be prepared.

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    Kaitlin Reply:

    Dear robby, he did end things on a whim. He got really wierd with me, stand offish. I stopped goin in to the bar and stopped talking to him. Since then we have started talking again as he said he’d been thinking about me and what not. I’ve slept with him once again and decided I would just treat him as a fuck buddy. We do talk everyday I always try to insinuate sex though so he doesn’t get things twisted. I’m worried that all my sexual inenuendos are turning him off or something. I seen him last night at the bar and as soon as he seen me he came up an gave me a hug, he also came to talk to me after that. I told him I was leaving and he asked me why and where I was going, said he didn’t want me to leave. But when I text messages him afte the bar at like 2 30 and said I want to fuck you so bad right now I got no response. Since I was drunk I texted this morning and said sorry for my drunk text and he said lol I was sleeping. So im not sit what exactly to do or how to treat him because he doesn’t seem to be letting me use him for sex. It’s really frustrating.

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