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Step Up Your Game

4 August 2010 2 Comments

Hi Robby,

So I’ve spent the last few weeks trawling your website. It’s like an
addiction, I just keep reading! I could really use some of your awesome male
insight right about now.

I am currently fuck-buddying with a friend. I called it off once already
because I thought I was developing feelings and wanted to distance myself,
which made me able to think more objectively about it. I felt a bit like the
friendship had changed, and I was missing the easy way we used to talk. It
was probably largely one sided, but essentially I felt like I was having to
put in too much effort to keep the sex and the friendship separated. I had
to be careful that the things I said weren’t being misinterpreted. There
were these new boundaries on our friendship, and what might once have been
an offhand funny comment was now, in my mind, shadowed by the sex. Once I
realised that this was only a problem because I made it one, I had this kind
of “ohhhhh, okay” moment. The friendship HAS changed, but you know, I’m kind
of okay with that. I did, however, miss the sex. More than I missed the

We went back to being “just friends”, but we talked less. I thought more
about the sex than I did about the friendship. Anyway, not too long after
I’d told him that I didn’t want to continue the arrangement, he came to me
and said he really missed the sex. With my new perspective, I jumped at the
opportunity to resume our fuck buddying. Then he told me he liked me, and I
admitted that I kinda liked him too, but both of us disclaiming any desire
for a relationship.

Now this situation is working out just fine, though one thing that irks me a
bit is that we’ll agree to meet up, and I’ll get all hot and bothered, and
then he’ll flake out on me at the last minute. I realise that the FB
arrangement frees people from commitment and any sort of obligation, which I
LOVE about it, but am I being unreasonable in expecting him to be courteous?
When he bails like an hour AFTER he’s said he’ll come over, I find myself
irritated, horny and often unable to make alternative arrangements. I dunno,
it doesn’t bother me that much, I’m just an attention whore who likes to
think of herself as irresistible to the guys she’s fucking. It’s a blow to
the ego when the option is there and it’s not jumped at!

But then when he does manage to come over, we have amazingly incredible sex.
I know he definitely enjoys our arrangement… I guess I’m curious as to why
it doesn’t happen more often.

I’m not desperate, so I’m happy to let him call the shots. I’m a pretty laid
back girl; low maintenance, roll-with-the-punches and I’m not fussed at all
if we go weeks without speaking. I’m a busy girl, I have a pretty full life,
a lot of friends and am usually basking in the attention of a couple of
guys, so it’s not like I’m starved for options or putting all my eggs into
one basket. I don’t really initiate contact and it really isn’t like I
bother him a lot. He does most of the initiation, with the occasional
starter from me so that I’m not accused of not putting in any effort. Plus,
it’s nice to feel desired, so I like to remind him that I do want him every
now and then.

I’m confused because sometimes his actions say that he finds me irresistible
and that he wants me soooo badly. Then other times his actions suggest that
he’s not really fussed if we fuck or not. In real time, when he’s right
there in front of me, it’s passionate and intimate and I know exactly how to
drive him wild. Having said that, he is on top of his game and has plenty of
other booty options, and I know that sometimes you feel like chocolate and
sometimes you feel like vanilla. So tell me, Robby G, how do I go about
getting a bit more action from this guy? I’m not down for exclusivity, or
anything that even slightly resembles a relationship, I just want to be
cream of the crop, so to speak. Egotistical? Totally. But I make no secret
of this.

I know this has been a stupidly long email, but I’d really appreciate a male
perspective. I am not really able to talk to anybody I know about it,
because that would be breaking our code of silence that we have going on,
and we have a lot of mutual friends. Please help!

Love, Rachel

It’s good that you waited until he admitted that he has developed feelings for you before telling him you like him as well. With that out of the way however, you have to realize that he tries to reaffirm the fact that he does not want anything more serious than the fuck buddy relationship you have going on. The way you are handling yourself is completely perfect because you know what you want and you are not making the mistakes that most women make. You knew that you are getting too emotionally attached so you backed away. Your friendship will never be the same as before even if you drop the fuck buddy relationship, unless if you both find different partners, but that is normal in this type of situation. I am sure that he also feels like he can’t joke around with you the same way he used to before you two became fuck buddies, because the sexual implications always have their place in his mind, just like in yours.

Becoming His Numero Uno

To be his cream of the crop, as you put it, you will have to be a little more laid back then you already are. I think the best thing for you to do is not focus on how he perceives you, but concentrate more on how you perceive him. You let me know that you are the type to have many guys chase you most of the time, so I would suggest that you do not waste all of your energy on this one guy, but broaden your horizons and spend some time with other guys as well. Don’t necessarily do anything with them, but simply go on dates and have fun. This will take your focus off your friend/fuck-buddy and once he sees that you really mean that you do not want to take things to the next level with him, that is when he will appreciate you more. Though he was first to tell you he likes you, you confirmed that you like him as well, and that made him see that he has some control over you, because whatever he does now you will analyze. Nonetheless, if you show him that you actually use him for the same things he uses you for (friendship and occasional sex) then he will try to regain his control of the relationship. Right now he feels like he has the upper-hand, that is why he can freely break off plans with you and put them back on whenever he wants. However, if you do the same thing back to him and at the same time see other guys, then he will feel like you do not require as much as he thought and in turn he will think of ways to spend more time with you and have you avoid meeting up with those other guys. If he is a good enough player, however, he will see through your intentions and will not play into your hand. He may not act like he cares too much that you have other guys you spend time with and cancel on him sometimes, but that is when you will have to play the “friend” card and ask him to meet up just as friends. When you are out together, be flirtatious and give in if he pursues, but do not make it a big deal that he does not always meet up with you when you two make plans, nor make reference to the other men that you may have hung out with in the past few days that you haven’t been meting up. Basically, you must try to reverse the roles and do what he is doing to you to gain the dominant position in this current relationship you are in. I know that you are friends and you do not want to get into a fight for control, but once you got into fuck buddying and he began to try and assert his dominance or control in your relationship, you must school him in the same game.


  • Rachel said:

    Hey Robby,
    Thanks for the advice! I do need to step up my game, which is fine because it’s fun to play. 😉 Game on! Even though we like each other, the feelings don’t interfere with our arrangement. Neither of us are under any delusion that this is more than a convenient arrangement between two friends who have amazing sexual chemistry, but not a whole lot else in common.

    Thanks for your insight, you always put an interesting spin on it.

    Just out of curiosity and on a related note, is there any one FB who stood out as being cream of the crop for you? What was it that made her awesome? Any particular attitudes in the bedroom, or personality traits?

  • Robby G (author) said:

    @Rachel: Yeah, I’ve had one FB that stood out for me in a big way. What did it was not her looks (even though she was beautiful) or that she could have any man but was happy with me, but it was the way she carried herself and took care of me. She took it a step beyond any other FB. She was extremely classy about the whole thing and acted professional. She did not complain if I ever cancelled on her and she knew how to make a man feel like a king. She liked to take care of me, and in return I took care of her. We never argued because it felt like we were both above that scope of “immaturity” almost. She could feel when I wasn’t happy with something and vice versa. She wasn’t trashy and never raised her voice, you know? She had self-respect and at the same time knew when to swallow her pride in order to satisfy my own ego. Oh, and the sex was unbelievable too! 😉

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