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Sure Acts like a Boyfriend

27 March 2010 One Comment

Dear Robby G,

My story is a bit more complicated.
I am in a relationship with guy no.1.for 2.5 years, but since we don’t
even live in the same country, I don’t know if i can call it
“relationship” at all. Not only because of the distance, and the rare
meetings, but also, because we don’t have sex. This might sound weird, but
all those times we managed to see eachother the sex wasn’t working, he was
too frustrated, did not know how to touch me, finished early, etc. As we got
to know eachother well before we met, we became so much attached to
eachother emotionally, I really consider him as my “soul-mate”, and best
friend, I thought he is the one for me. But I became unsure if this will
ever turn into a real relationship, seeing that sex just not right.

In the meantime my friend introduced me to a very nice guy (guy no.2).
On the first date, he seemed so serious, so I didn’t want to see him again
as I was scared to start any other relationship, and he seemed too nice to
keep him just as a fuck-buddy. Few weeks later, we met again and started
dating. He was really caring and nice to me.
Slowly slowly we spent more time, we met once during the week and we spend
the Saturday night and Sunday together. This was very comfortable to me, as
on the other days of the week I was talking to my “boyfriend” (guy no.1),
who was far, far away.
The first shock for this new guy no.2, was when I went back home for a
summer holiday, and spend almost 5 weeks there. He was desperate, tried to
call me (although most of the time I wasn’t available),sent me texts, and
when I returned, he came to pick me up from the airport (again very
careing).By than we were dating/being fuck buddies or who knows what for
already 2-3 months. He was talking about going for a holiday together, but I
kept refusing to hear it, as I still wasn’t in for anything serious.
After that we started to get back to the same routine again, sleeping at his
place, hanging out at the weekends. Once he even offered his flat keys which
I again refused as I felt terribly guilty because of guy no.1.
Than again, another holiday, Christmas come (by that time we were together
with guy no.2 for 7 months) and I went back home second time. Same as during
my summer holiday, I didn’t text him too much, and also didn’t come back to
spend New Year’s Eve with him.
In these visits I always met with guy no.1, my so called boyfriend, but
since sex wasn’t successfull, I ended up with growing feelings for guy no2.,
because with him, sex was fenomenal! I need to admit here, not only that, I
found many common points in our personality much earlier, but tried to hide,
not give too much from myself as I was afraid to fall in love with him.
Than, at the beginning of this year, I realised that I am giving him (guy
no.2) presents, even called him when I was on abroad (which never happened
before), and what felt really bad that he wasn’t too happy from the
call..seemed that everything I tried (few weeks ago, first time in our
relationship, I even cooked for him! ) simply couldn’t impress him too
much anymore.
Actually as I look back, I can see that he stopped calling me over during
the week quite a long time ago, however if I called him, he came. We still
spend weekends together. Every weekend. He says, during the week he is busy
with studying, and Saturday he works, but after work he always come to pick
me up, and usually we are going out to clubbing, and than I sleep at his
place. Than we spend the Sunday together, he cookes for me, later we go to
the cinema, but after that he brings me home. I always say him to do that
so, never tried to stay.
Lately, when we sleep, we cuddle a lot (I didn’t do it in the first few
months), but I’ve noticed that I can not really count on him in everyday
things. However, in everyday things I still can count on guy no.1, who is
always looking after my things, calling me everyday. But he is not around

I think after you read this, you will not be surprised, if I tell you that I
found guy no. 2, on a dating site 2 weeks ago, looking for “the one”. And
that was the point when I faced with my feelings, and realised that he means
much more to me than just a weekend guy.
He still puts effort when we meet, as I said he always cooking for me,
talking to me about his work, showing me his old photos, when I am there.
But somehow, I feel that the spell I put on him at the beginning is gone.
And it disturbs me a lot.
I’ve also noticed that if I am a bit unavailable, he is pushy, resending
the text messages to force me to answer, but if let’s say I write him
first than he keeps me waiting. We keep on playing this game for almost a
year now. Usually between Monday-Wednesday he isn’t too interested in me
(tho there are text messages every day), after Thursday he calls me for a
chat, and Saturday it’s always him (obviously) who makes sure we’ll

My friends all blame me to mess up this relationship with guy no.2, as he
once offered his keys and I refused, I was cold to him, etc.

I realised that I want him to be my boyfriend, because I feel that we match,
I like that he pays attention on small details, he is that type of man you
can count on (he had long term relationships in the past: 2.5 years, 5
years..), I feel that he somehow gave up on me a bit, but not 100% yet (he
even bought me present for Valentines day), but opened for other girls too.

Another problem that we never talked honestly about our relationship, never
said I love you, or stuff like that. I tried to talk to him when I realised
that he is looking for other girls too, but I didn’t put all the cards on
the table, I told him I feel like I should let him go, than he replied, that
let him to decide what does he want. He feels good like this, he saidwell,
obvoiusly, this is very comfortable for him now..:)) but honestly speaking,
I don’t think that he is happy in this type of relationship, as he seems
to me a very emotional person.
This past weekend I was hesitating to go over or not. At the end, I decided
to see him, be very positive and fun, and careing too. We went out again, my
friends and his together, and we really had a great time, had long sex night
again and slept cuddling. It felt so good to wake up and see that he is
smiling at me, kissing me. We couldn’t resist eachother whole weekend.

As I was reading your answers, I am not sure now that it was a good idea to
let him get me again. However, to cut off seeing him sounds difficult to me,
as we meet once a week. I am also afraid because of the other girls – if I
„give” him free weekend, he might want to go and date because he might
think I am not interested again. I can not decide which is better: If I look
interested in him, or if I dont??
Now another holiday is on the way, next week I am off again for 2 weeks.
Do you think it will help us? What do you suggest me to do?

Many thanks for reading and for your time.
Best regards,
E. M.

When you read my other answers, you will notice that different situations call for different ways of acting towards your partner. Looking at how you two met (dating site), it is obvious that he is interested in something serious and also assessing the lengths of his past relationships, he clearly is an emotional man that does is not interested in simply fucking around. The problem you are having with him isn’t spending too little time together or being cold (refusing his key), but your problem lies in leaving guy no. 1 in the past. The fact that you even mentioned him in the first place is surprising to me because the past few months you have clearly spent most of your time with guy no. 2 and guy no. 1 seems like someone who just cannot satisfy you as a real boyfriend (the distance, lack of sex, etc).

Accept the Truth

The truth is that guy no. 2 is really caring, has much love for you, and acts like your boyfriend, and I am sure he would think you were cheating on him if you told him that you still felt for guy no. 1. And since you are finally interested in making this man your boyfriend, you should accept these facts and return the love by finally taking in that he has most likely been viewing you as his girlfriend for months already, and all you have to do to make him your boyfriend is by accepting that he is really your boyfriend. You can accomplish this and make it official by doing some kind of nice gesture and getting him a small present along with a card where you can write something personal and end it with “To my fantastic boyfriend” or something of that nature. I am sure that this will make him ecstatic that you finally aknowledge him as your boyfriend. This upcoming holiday is the perfect time to make this happen.

Dealing with the Past

I suggest that before you move forward with this, you should really cut your ties with guy no. 1 and tell him that the distance of the relationship has been too hard on you and you cannot continue this relationship. Try to move past what has been going on in the past and focus on the future that you will share with guy no. 2. It was a good thing that you let him get at you that last time that you spent with him and his friends and I am sure that it reassured him that you care for him as much as he cares for you. To be honest, it seems like the ball is in your court and it is upto you to decide what you want to do. Both guys are really into you and it is your decision whether you want guy no.1 or 2, and it does not matter what you decide because both will accept you. So you should really analyze what sort of future you want to have, because whatever you choose, the guys will go along with. You should really stop stressing it and know that, and I think something great can work out between you and guy no. 2.

One Comment »

  • E.M. said:

    Dear Robby,

    More than one year passed since your advise, which I thank a lot.
    Many things have been changed, and now I guess I am in an even more complicated situation with guy no.2.

    Let me start from where we left.

    After your suggestions, and as my feelings were obviously growing for this man, I realised a few things which I wasn`t happy with.

    He and his ex (they lived together for 4 yrs in the same flat where he still living, and according to him had a nasty break up when he caught her red handed) still had a link. I saw emails between them and noticed that her letters still coming to the flat, even tho she left the country.
    When I asked him he denied that there`s any contact, and made the letters disappear, when I found some of her stuff laying around, he made those disappear too. But only once I complained about it! So it showed to me that he has no respect for my feelings.. than my b-day came in june, and he sort of ignored it (no present, no card, when I was disappointed he ran to get me a cake.. how bad! 🙁 )

    Than, around August-September I felt that we are improving, we went for a short holiday twice and had a good time. However he still mainly wanted to see me at the weekends.
    Around this time he offered again to gave me keys so I can leave the flat when he goes to work on Sat. Though I felt like I have been controlled, as he didn`t give me keys to the main door, only to his flat…

    Than in Nov. he went home for 2 weeks and gave me keys and told me I can be around whenever I want… but as any woman in doubts would do, I was looking around a bit, and found one huge box full of his ex`s stuff, I haven`t found this before. Plus when he came back, he emptied some boxes, and put all her books on the bookshelf. So I got upset again and we had another row, however again he made these things disappear after I came back from my Xmas holiday, from home.

    So by this January, I thought we are getting better again, he made things completely disappear which I wasn`t happy about it. During my X mas holiday we talked a lot on the phone, which we didn`t do before.

    Than I found a ladies top (never seen it before) and also other signs, so instead of waiting for him to come back I took all my stuff and left the place thinking I never want to see this guy again and listen to his bullshits! He texted me saying that those were his ex`s staff (the top was freshly smelling anyway) and tried to explain himself, but has`nt put the effort to call me!
    So I left it that way, I thought he is going to chase me, as it happened in the past.. but 1.5 month passed and I didn`t hear from him (only one friend of his asked if I miss him, if I have someone else- I believe these came from him)..

    His silence put me in deep doubt that maybe he didn`t do anything and I should have waited for him?
    So I texted him and said that I think we should talk. So we met, and he again explained but when I asked why did you let me to leave, he said it was obvious that I was looking for excuses to leave him (!)
    Than he again hasn`t really contact me, so I texted again and said there are things I haven`t told you..so he came and he spent the night with me at mine, however I didn`t plan this way but he seemed quite confident that he won`t be refused!

    Than the next day when I asked him what`s going on between us, he said he is not ready for a serious relationship (after 2 years!) and he doesn`t want any commitment!

    But still, we continued to see eachother in every 2 weeks but it was always him, who wanted to come to mine, so I started to get suspicious, as my place is not that comfortable.

    Before my Easter holiday I tried to go to his, and it seemed that he banned me, he found some excuse. I even told him seems like I am banned, he said no, but “he wants to keep things this way for now. To keep everyone happy”…(?)

    After Easter I really made my mind up that I don`t want to see him anymore, specially as he disappeared for another 2 weeks ( he took me to the airport tho, and seemed again very confident that I will call him from home.)
    I haven`t called him, so he started to complain.. than when I was back to the country, he started to chase me to meet me, which I skipped every time. When weekend came, he again wanted to come to mine, I said I don`t think it`s a good idea, my place is very tight..

    Seemed that next weekend he got my point and offered to go to his!
    So we did..

    One weekend later, he was just about to pick me up and take to his again when he sent me a text by mistake, asking someone if everything is OK at home if we go to his home! So what I assumed, that someone is around, was true!
    That weekend he first tried to lie about it but when I said I guess you ex moved back, he admit it, saying she is only a friend, and he has to help her out, as she has nowhere to go, and she will move out in 1-2 months time.. she obvously knew about me, according to his text.. our photos are on his laptop..etc.

    When I told him, well it`s your decision, he said he doesn`t wanna loose me, and I am his partner, she is only a friend, and he is stuck on the middle because he wants to help her out, but doesn`t wanna loose me either.. what an awkward situation!

    But because he offered, I said I would like to meet her so I can see what`s going on.. he started to deny these meetings, but whenever I made up my mind (during the week, for example) that I want to go to his, he made her disappear (he said she has a BF).

    At the end, last weekend he made her to call me, however I wanted to see this woman in person so we haven`t talked to much on the phone. Guy no.2 said we should meet up, he is busy, etc.. so he obviously didn`t want to stand on anyone`s side by appearing!

    We spent the weekends together since this story turned up ( 3 weeks ago ) and I told him many times that I feel very frustrated about this, and we should spend more time together. Last weekend I actually told him that I can meet this girl, but it`s him who has to move her out! He told me to take that out off my mind that he wants to live with this woman.. as he started to talk about that he might not be able to pay for his rent, etc I assumed that maybe there`s some arrangement between them?
    I mean if it`s your ex and big love, why the hell you put HER in this situation too, when she has to leave the flat over the weekends, she has to call me, etc..

    Since last Sunday he didn`t show up (I had my B-day on Monday, which he was aware on Sunday, and previously he asked many times when is it..) and what`s more I texted him on Wednesday, and no reply.

    It seems quite obvious that he is trying to get rid of me now on this nasty way, but than why the hell he asked her to call me, he made her not to be around when I wanted to come?!

    I feel like I shouldn`t spend more time on this man, however my ego keeps me push it forward. I feel like finally I could get rid of the “demon” of our relationship, all arguments we ever had was because of her… I clearly feel that she is somehow manipulating him ( found a letter when she is almost begging him to take her back to his life!)..

    Sorry to made it this long, but I am really confused now..
    I asked him last week if he wants me to quit and walk away, he said no. But actions speak louder than words, isn`t it?
    What shall I do Robby, if I don`t want to loose this man, but also don`t want to be fooled around for month?

    Please reply me asap, this thing is eating me up now.
    Thank you for your advice!

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