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Take Control of Your Relationship

27 June 2010 24 Comments

I’ve been seeing this man for at least two months and it has been quite a
ride. He was observing me for almost a year then one night I was in his club
and gave him my number. I didn’t like him very much at first, as I knew he was
just a player. We began dating and after juggling with two other guys I
decided to give it a go with him. I didn’t want a serious relationship but he
was just like I wanted my man to be so I give in. At first we were great. But
then we were like mr & mrs smith and I broke up with him when I found out he
was messing around. Before that we sort of began to walk the path of just
fuck buddies he said, but then again why he always calls me and asks me
about my life even we are not seeing each other that day?
He still calls me and so on but says he doesn’t want a relationship.
Although I cried over him, we saw each other and had sex once again.
He always said he didn’t want a serious relationship with anyone and he
agreed to be in one with me because he liked me and the sex was amazing. I
said to him I wanted to be just fuck buddies and he obviously agreed. I don’t
know if I want to be as I was before I met him…a player and commitment
phobic. We both are like that, but I struggle with my female friends telling
me I should act like a girl not a boy and want a serious relationship. I want
him I guess to want me again for a serious relationship …to be like we were
in the beggining.. how can I do that? Should I play with him some mind games?
He used to say the one for him would have to make him wonder and know how to
play him. I thought I knew, but he said I wasn’t that good..he could had me
figure out. I want to win the battle and him being the prize…


He’s the type of player that likes to play games and for him the fun is in the chase rather than the catch. He sounds like the type who enjoys living a volcanic lifestyle and any boredom or calm makes him want to create new problems just to keep things excited. This is why he cheats and gets into arguements often and has commitment issues, simply out of fear of settling into a an unexciting lifestyle. But before you decide to try and get him locked into a relationship, think about what you want. You said your friends say to act like a woman and go against your natural desire to have a fuck buddy relationship with him, yet you are not interested in what they advise. Don’t ever go against your own wants when it comes to these sort of situations because it’s your own happiness you’re playing around with, not your friends’. But on the flip side, if you want something more serious then you should in fact play that mind game a little. I am usually against them, but since at one point he asked you if you wanted something serious and you refused him, it won’t be that easy to make him want a serious relationship again once you already agreed to something strictly sexual.

Get Him to Chase You… Again

You have to make him chase you again by playing those very mind games. You must try to get him to chase you again by pulling away from him a little bit but at the same time act really nice and cool when you talk on the phone or when you are together. You must play that tease in order for him to get interested again and think that you have moved on but do not yet want to tell him that. He must feel the distance. Don’t always call back when he calls, or when he calls and you answer, tell him you are busy and you’ll call back, but don’t call back. Or don’t always respond to his texts. This way you build up curiousity in him and he will think that you have found someone else or you just don’t want him anymore. With these sort of guys you have to make him feel like you are using him rather than he is using you, because that way he will feel like you’re the one that’s in control and that will pose as a challenge he will want to overcome by getting you to like him as much as he likes you.

Win the Battle

To win this battle and get him as the prize you must really put on a show for him. And those mind games will come into play here. When you’re with him, as I said, you must be very caring and nice, but at the same time not too easy. If he comes close to kiss you, smile and move your face away slightly. When there are other guys in the group, feel free to flirt with them to show him that he’s not that special and you can get any guy you want. Kick the romance to the curb and instead of appearing very entised by him, sometimes interrupt him when he’s in mid-sentence just to show him that he’s slightly boring you. You have to show him that you expect more excitement and you aren’t interested in his “boring, collected” ways. If he invites you some place, tell him you think it’s boring and think of something much more extraordinary and really send out these mixed signals which will confuse and stimulate him to try and have you figured out. Then after some time see the changes in how he acts around you and notice that he will be in the palm of your hand. You’ll be able to decide where you want this relationship to go from then on.

24 Comments »

  • Daphne said:

    thanks robby..great advice…but since I sent you my question..things happened. I mean he is now in Belgium (he’s a dj)..and he returns in august…after we saw eachother last time…he didn’t contact me…I made a fool of myself and I contact him.He wouldn’t wanna say goodbye..he said it was because last time I was bitchy with him..and I even throw a book at him. He was driving me nuts…saying he wants to see other girls and so on, to experience…big mistake.Although I’m his number one he can’t stop chasing other girls to sleep with them.:(
    I think I’ve fallen for him.I called him to say goodbye…then he called to explain things, saying he didn’t like I put him on ignore and erased him from hi5, facebook (I added him after that..the second time as I did this in the past:))). And guess what he wants to be friends..and when we meet fwb :))..he said he wants me when he returns. I don’t know what to do.And I made another huge mistake..I said to him I feel for him..he said he likes me very much..but doesn’t want sth serious wit me anymore..he isn’t for that bla bla. So he left…and it’s been 4 days..and still nothing from him..and when we were on messenger…both online..he didn’t contact me…I don’t like to make the first move on messenger ever with guys. And childish status like I feel love..with whom? I’m like loosing my mind and everey guy I compare with him..I even refused guys and some previous fwb :))..What’s wrong with me?

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Daphne: Right now you shouldn’t contact him at all for the time he’s away. When he gets back, wait at least a week before you call him if he doesn’t call you sooner, that is. Then ask him out to lunch or a coffee and just act like there’s completely nothing between you and that you’re completely cool about everything. Play a game where it’s as if you were all emotional before but now you’ve finally come to your senses that there isn’t anything special in him. Avoid showing any jealousy or anything that will give away that you still feel for him, but at the end tell him you should meet up again sometime. Don’t sleep with him and don’t ask him to continue hanging out with you that same day–instead, be the first to say you have to go. Be slightly indifferent in the way you act and talk and make him feel like you actually are just treating him as a friend and nothing more. And if he brings up the subject of dating or being fwb, then tell him you’re looking for a relationship right now, but you know he’s not offering so it’s alright if you just stay friends. Say it’s upto him really, but you’re cool with it either way.
    At this point I think this is as much as you can do and hope he comes around.

    Reply to Comment

    Daphne Reply:

    Ok..thanks. It’s seems like the right thing to do.Can I let you know how everything goes? It’s ok?
    Have a nice day!

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Daphne: Yeah, I’d love to hear how things go. Let me know and if you need anything else I’ll be happy to give more suggestions depending on the situation. All the best πŸ˜‰

    Reply to Comment

    Daphne Reply:

    I’ll tell you. Thanks for everything.

    Reply to Comment

    Daphne Reply:

    Hey Robby? How are things?
    I have an update on my situation…
    So my dj contacted me today on messenger..after days I hadn’t time to surf the Internet whatsoever.I don’t know if he misses me or not..or he has been intrigued I stay on a bit and I don’t say hi to him never πŸ™‚
    I kept everything nice and short. I cut the conversation saying I have some business to do and will talk another time probably …or not..will see :)) At first I didn’t respond him..to let him catch fire…he buzzed me saying why I don’t speak with him :))…after asking me about my sister surgery he asked me of course if I see someone :)) I said I’m a good girl..he said I don’t think so..and after that I cut him off saying I must go :))
    That’s it.
    So, I was a good student or not? πŸ˜€
    Have a nice day and thanks for everything πŸ™‚

  • Rafall - Relationship Advice for All said:

    Sorry if jump in here a a little. May I? Let me give my opinion.

    For me, it is very clear that he is a player and he is just using you for his pleasures like any other of his girls.

    Your main problem is, you were too easy for him thus now you don’t have anything else of value to offer him. So from his point of view, his game with you is over.

    Of course if he still can get the sex that he likes it very much from you, it would be great. But if not, it won’t make him chase you anyway.

    So my advice is, go on with your life and find a decent guy that will respect and love you the way you are.

    Reply to Comment

    Daphne Reply:

    I don’t want to be over. He can’t do this with me. I want to turn again the tables..make him chase me again.I’m not the kind of girl who gives up. I’m a player too..or I was..He can’t win over me :)..so I need some advice to make him contact me..then surprise him.

    Reply to Comment

  • Robby G (author) said:

    @Daphne: I think you did it perfectly, even a little bit too indifferent lol… very nice. He buzzed you on MSN and asked you if you were seeing someone else. He is thinking about you, so keep at it, and he will not know how to keep playing his game since you’ll be outplaying him.

    Reply to Comment

    Daphne Reply:

    Robby, what is my first move to make? Wait for him to contact me again? Or it’s my call this time and act friendly?
    Thanks in advance πŸ™‚

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Daphne: I think you should wait for him to call, but it also depends on when he’s returning. It’s best to let him make the next contact though. Also, when he calls don’t sound over-excited, just be happy to hear like a friend would.

    Reply to Comment

    Daphne Reply:

    Ay, Ay Sir! πŸ™‚

    Reply to Comment

    Daphne Reply:

    Hi Robby πŸ™‚
    Did you missed me? πŸ˜›
    So here’s an update on my situation:
    I talk now with my dj whenever we are both online now.
    After that time I blew him off a week has passed and nothing..then I started to think maybe I was to harsh on him.Just figure, I surely was as he thought I don’t want him anymore at all.So I said to him bluntly “did u miss me?” and surprise surpise he responded “surely my dear :*” and after that we began talkin again. He is curious what am I doing every time we talk and is very flirty..he says he wants me badly. So now I surely know he wants me still as he continues to say sexy things to me πŸ™‚
    But that was not the thing that concerned me all along,I want him as my boyfriend. I’m done playing around. So we talk about anything, like in the begining of us.I asked me to bring me something for my girlfriends and he said he will. I asked him as a joke if he’ll bring me a souvenir like a refrigerator magnet with Belgium or sth like that and he pondered and asked what I said it was my favourite perfume (I used to ask him to nag him about buying me that, but never listened or acted like he didn’t hear that when we were together :))) He sends me hugs and kisses like when we were together and I play along..a little less than him, of course.He often says things like “when I come back we see eachother” or “would u be in town then”. I asked him the last time if he thinks it will work again (I didn’t say whether I was referring to FB situation or GF& Bf situation) he said “of course”.
    I like this situation..talkin’ to him, but all of this makes me even more confused.
    So what do u think he wants from me…it’s like when I said “did u miss me?” I triggered some kind of delirium of his part..I can’t believe this guy is my guy.Tell me Robby what should I do with this and if I’m being to pesimistic about all of this like he wants to have something sure..sure sex when he gets back or sth.
    I miss him dearly and I don’t want another man πŸ™
    Thanks again and have a nice day!

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Daphne: The entire way you’ve played it has been perfect. I’m happy that you took my advice and acted in that distant yet flirty way and as you can see he’s back to pursuing you. You’ve got the upper hand now and you can control where this relationship goes. I’m sure that it’s not just sex on his mind because he wouldn’t express so much emotions to you with things like “will you be in town?”, etc. He would simply wait until he’d return and call you once he’s back. He’s actually planning things now and is clearly thinking about you often. Do not sleep with him the night he returns, but take things slowly. Try to go to dinner and ask him how things have been in Belgium and talk about things that do not relate to sex. If he gets you perfume then it’s a great sign that he thinks of you as someone more than just a fuck buddy.

    Reply to Comment

    Daphne Reply:

    Thanks Robby for your insight! πŸ™‚
    But there’s still a thing in my mind..just to be sure..Won’t he be doing all of this just to make sure I won’t be with anybody else when he’s back..to make sure I’m his faithful FB? He asked me when we began to speak again if a found someone..as I told him I’m not sure if we’ll be seeing eachother when he returns.I changed the subject saying he probably has a list of women to do when he comes back..he said he doesn’t have..we’ll see eachother and that’s it.
    Or you guys don’t get into much trouble for this? He doesn’t have a problem gettin any girl..he’s a dj, but still..all of this sudden…

  • Robby G (author) said:

    @Daphne: But at the same time it shows some desperation, which is a little unusual from him since he’s been acting completely different the entire time before. I personally think he really likes you and it all depends on how you play it that first time you meet when he gets back that will pave the way to either being his fuck buddy or his girlfriend.

    Reply to Comment

    Daphne Reply:

    Ok. I’ll let you know how everything goes.
    Thanks again for your time πŸ™‚

    Reply to Comment

    Daphne Reply:

    Hi! It’s me again..I’m sorry I bother you so soon but things got complicated. I had an argument with him today as I was feeling he’s cold again.I asked him if he had sth to do and he was like what up with me and things got weird as he was saying I do this everytime (telling him I’m gonna to let him be if he has sth to do and not talk to him) and acting very upset. I said fine and bye.He didn’t respond to my excuses afterwards. So I guess I blew all the things off. And on top of that my dad found about him (I’m a law student and supossedly I don’t fit with him, he’s not to good for me) and said I shouldn’t be seeing him. Why is he cold now after all that and should I listen to my dad and dump him again this time because he doesn’t match with my family?I don’t care about social status.
    Hope you’ll give me another good piece of advice..you’re like my compass now when I don’t know what to do (I don’t like to ask for advice either..).
    Have a great day!

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Daphne: I see only two roads you can take here. Either you take your father’s advice and cut all things off, or you call him back and ask to meet. Then you kick all the bullshit to the side and tell him how you feel and that you don’t want to argue against all these little useless things, and that you want to be with him.

    Reply to Comment

  • Daphne said:

    Hi Robby!
    Several months have passed since I last checked your website.
    I was still with my dj these months (he eventually came back). But this time in a serious relationship πŸ™‚
    Now we no longer are together.Why?I don’t know exactly the main reason.One major one was the fact that he is gonna go back to Belgium again to make more money.The other reason is the fact that he doesn’t have patience to put up with my behaviour.I’ve changed..I’ve become more demanding and needy I guess after I was sick.Now I’m fine,but without him.He said I was always nagging him and I was never understanding(he came to have a lot of work to do the last few weeks),never satisfied with his behave towards me(I became to listen to my friends again :().No one knows your relationship better than you!
    He said he needs space..I didn’t gave him that as I was furious he doesn’t give me a chance to make things better.He said he feels he’s running out of patience as I’m to damn caressed(I was raised like that,I had everything from the day I was born).
    We saw eachother as I popped at the club that night surprising him,then when he got me home he said he will call me the next days when he’ll be ok.3 days passed and I began to wonder “Is he breakin’ up with me slowly?”So I called him and asked how’s it goin’ and if he wants more time to think.He said probably.I asked if he thinks we’ll be ok and the after one another we agreed to break up and remain friends because of my bahaviour and the fact he hasn’t time to have patience with me as he’s leaving soon.I asked if he still likes me..he said not enough to continue the long distance again.I was hurt and because of my pride I began to said to him we won’t be friends,he’s a coward and so on.He said ok,bye.Once again I proved to be restless..sth he doesn’t like about me.Then
    The next day I emailed him like I had a blackout and everything should be normal again.He didn’t replied.Then a texted him later askin’ sth,no reply.So the next day I began to email him saying I’ll change,we should continue,I was too childish and stuff like that,him replying I’m as changeable as the wind.The convo ended saying he can’t take it anymore..he doesn’t like me anymore.
    The tricky thing is I can now say I love him with all my heart so I don’t want him to let me go.He told a friend of mine he doesn’t have an actual reason why he broke up with me,he doesn’t care for me anymore although it was great between us.That were his words.So I said in my emails I’ll write him sth everyday (I can’t ignore him totally as he will soon leave and I want to see eachother before that)until he’ll want me back to show him how serious I was about me becoming more stable(before I used to break up with him all the time).This was my first one and he replied (surprise)saying he wish me luck at my exam as I was telling him about it.I continued to ignore him on IM and not calling,as I said I’ll do and send short emails about random stuff,nothin’ about us,ending them with “I miss u”.
    So what next?Should I continue like this?I can’t stand losing him now that we were good,in a serious relationship(he got me the perfume after all and other cute things;)).So you were right and I’m confident you’ll be this time too(I advertised your site to my girlfriends as I know how great you are).So now what?:(

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Daphne: I’ll be frank, as I always am, and say that you made a mistake when you began emailing him and messaging him all those messages after you saw he wasn’t replying after that day he said he’ll call you the next day and didn’t for 3 days. Anyhow, you must back up a little and instead of showing him the various mood-swings you’re going through, which typically happens when you like someone and you cannot get them to share the exact same feeling reciprocally, you must be blunt with him and ask him if he can meet you once more before he leaves. Do not do it through emphatic means, but simply almost as a plead. Give him the satisfaction of feeling like he’s doing you a favor to see you, but when you do meet up, be sincere with him and avoid all the negative things that he said he disliked about you. Show him that you do in fact need him and are willing to change and make sure he enjoys that day he spends with you. At the end of it ask him if he’s willing to wipe the slate clean and if he’s okay with starting things fresh. If you show changes in your character then he should at least say he’ll at least try, and from then on it’s up to you again to make him feel like you appreciate him and do not play as much mind-games, but be more genuine. There’s a certain point where games shouldn’t be played anymore, and you’re definitely there, if not passed it.

    Also, thanks for telling your girlfriends about the site. And good luck πŸ˜‰

    Reply to Comment

    Daphne Reply:

    So I tried to do what you advised me but I couldn’t reach him as he would answer his phone.He rejected the calls and after I gave him a text saying I want to meet him he didn’t respond also.So after being that humilliated I wrote him my last email to him wishing him to be happy and good luck and saying I’m sorry things didn’t work out and hope we’ll remember only the good memories. I signed it with “still in love with you” and that was all. He didn’t reply..yet and I won’t do anything more.That was all.He’s now online..after he avoided me this week even on IM.But that was my last straw.What happens..happens.I did everything I could..at first..too much..I know:)
    Have a nice day and thanks for all your thoughts on this!

    Reply to Comment

  • Daphne said:

    Such a long one..but I hope you’ll have time,as I’m faithful to your advice on your site.I wish you the best!

    Reply to Comment

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