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Talk Things Out Like Adults

4 June 2010 6 Comments

I’m liking your advice here! It’s great because it’s SO
straightforward…just tell me the truth dammit!

So this guy had the sweetest deal…for the past 2 months, I just called him
for sex. When I first met him, he tried to pull all the moves on me. Some
girl was stalking him at the bar and he said later that night, “forget about
all other girls, I’ve met you now.” I believed his lies for about a week,
but then realized he’s 22 (and I’m 26) and about to be out of the Army and
move out of state and he is just trying to play me. I had always invited
him out with my friends but he was always busy for some reason. I got the
point. But he was so hot and a great, passionate kisser, I thought fuck
buddies would work and I drunk texted him one night after coming home from
the bar. He had been drinking too and took a cab 45 min to my house at 2am!
Sex was AWESOME! So I kept texting him. He still never wants to hang out
with me unless it’s to watch a movie and get it on. When I first met him,
he said he would go hiking and camping and rafting with me, but now he
says no. He’s such a great lover. Before we have sex we usually watch a
movie and he’ll cuddle with me and kiss my forehead and my hand and be so
sweet. We’ll have great sex. He always tries so hard to please me, even if
I’m being lazy. Then afterwards he will lay around and cuddle and have
serious conversation with me for an hour or two. He is always kissing
me…just pecking or a sweet one on my forehead. I know FBs shouldn’t do
this, but I like it. He also tells me about how he talks about me to his
friends, but I’ve only met a couple. I told him not to talk to his friends
about me because I didn’t want all of the Army to know our sex life or how
he thinks I’m a nympho. I hadn’t seen him in 2 weeks because I was out of town
and he came over the day after I got home and he had never been so cute to
me! My back was hurting a lot from rafting for 8 days and he said he didn’t
give back rubs but he would try. He came over and I didn’t even have to
ask. He just did it about 3 times and a really good one too! He always
told me that he didn’t care at all if I saw other guys or hooked up with
them. I asked him to go rafting and camping with me and he said “I can’t,
I’m busy…why don’t you take my replacement (I had been joking about it because
he’s leaving in a month) with you” and I confessed that I had been with him
camping for the past week. He kinda quit joking with me after that. I
asked him if he had hooked up with anyone else while I was gone and he said,
“no..I’ve been really good. I don’t know why.” So later that night I think
I pissed him off a little in not fulfilling a sexual promise I said I would
make. He said it was fine. I texted him I was sorry after he left, but
something he said to me had turned me off(about not wanting to hang out with
me ever). He never responded. I texted him while he was at a going-away
party for his friend a few days later that he was being a baby and that he’s
the one who’s getting attached. He said “lol call me dramatic…I don’t
care what u say about me bc I told u I didn’t want anything serious but ur
always talking about camping and rafting and that’s just not me right now.”
I was like that’s fine…just no drama and he said everything was good and
we’d get together soon. I told him doing that stuff and having sex
afterwards is awesome and that’s my whole point! But he said okay, but I
dont have time to do that before I leave. I said okay, I wont’ ask him
anymore. I tried to get him to come over and he wouldn’t. Then he wouldn’t
answer my texts and he ALWAYS answered me back immediately so I knew he was
just ignorning me. I got a little drunk and chatted with him online a few
nights later and then he said no I’m not coming over and just got offline
without saying bye or anything so I called and left him an angry drunk
message (whoops!)
. Ignored my texts the next day saying I’m sorry. Then he
got online and totally broke up with me. He told me I wasn’t his type and
that he usually just has one night stands but he kept it going anyway
because he was leaving. He said he’s tired of Colorado and just wants to
move on. But why is he dumping me now?? He’s leaving in like 5 weeks! And
I’m not even here on the weekends anymore. He can just come over once or
twice a week, get some and go home. And he was SO mean…reiterating I’m
not the kind of girl he normally goes for?? I don’t want to toot my own
horn, but I went to an AMAZING university and have a GREAT job and I like to
do all of this stuff that he likes to do. I told him what did it matter
since all we were doing was sleeping with each other. He said that was why
he kept sleeping with me. He even went on to say maybe I’ll call you if I’m
drunk and need to get laid. What’s the deal??? That is SO mean. Why would
he even go through the trouble of saying that to me? He hasn’t been with a
girl since we’ve been hooking up either. I’m pretty sure he would tell me
(he told me he was going to hook up with another girl he knows, but then
said he just “hasn’t done it yet”…so him hooking up with another girl
isn’t the issue) and almost any night he’s out we’ve texted each other and
he wouldn’t text me while he’s with another girl. He barely pays attention
to his phone when he’s with me. How do I get him back until he leaves??
And why was he SO mean to me about it?? I’ve been so awesome to
him…everything he said he wanted. Except maybe I asked him for sex a
little too much (twice a week!). But he said that if we lived together and
if I didn’t live so far away, he’d do it everyday.

Sorry that was super long winded, but I’m pretty heated right now. I don’t
get it at all and it kind of hurt my feelings.

lovers
I’m sorry to say but though sometimes people say that they are alright with a fuckbuddy relationship, they really do mean it, but it only lasts for a few weeks until they begin to like their partner more than they want to. You didn’t do anything wrong, and though he thought he was in control of the relationship, he realized that in fact you were in control once you confessed that you were with another guy when you went hiking. This came as an unsuspected crush to him, which he totally took the wrong way. Then to play it off cool, he told you everything was alright, but clearly he felt betrayed. He probably didn’t want to get too attached because he was leaving to the Army soon, but when he met you and tried out the fuckbuddy relationship rather than something more formal, it back-fired on him. Then once you started pushin his buttons after he tried to wrap it up with you, he began to be mean to you just because he found it annoying that you could not see that he liked you more than a fuckbuddy, even though he did not want to admit it. Now, however, he is trying to block you out of his life even though he is definitely hurting inside.

Where to Go from Here?

I recently had a fuckbuddy and similar to your situation, I would do what you did. I called whenever I wanted to have sex and on occasion I would invite her to hang around my friends and I. She sometimes refused, and sometimes didn’t, but each time she said that there can’t be anything too much between us. To me there was nothing special in it an I just enjoyed her company and the sex was alright as well. Then one day she abruptly tells me that she does not think we should see each other anymore, and since I was drunk I told her “Whatever, it’s alright with me” and basically it was her call. This made her angry because I did not put much of a fight and acted rather indifferent. Though she knew this relationship wasn’t going to progress, since I too am leaving the country in a couple of months, she still felt offended that I made it seem like I didn’t care for her this entire time. The next day, when I sobered up, I texted her saying that it’s up to her to decide where this “relationship” goes but if she is willing to still continue it then I’m alright with it as well. And if not, then I’m glad that we’ve met. She didn’t reply, so I waited out a few days and finally decided that I didn’t want it to end on a bad note so I was going to have to swallow my pride slightly and make a call. I told her straight up with no bullshit or gameplan that I did not want to leave her on a bad note and so we would not share a bad vibe, and that we should meet a final time at least to break it off in a normal, more respectful way. She was happy with that, and though we did not continue our relationship, it was done with mutual respect and I gave her the satisfaction of closure.

For you, I sugget you try a similar method. Quit the blaming game, quit the bullshit, and try to call him as a friend rather than a fuckbuddy or anything else. Ask him if you can meet him for lunch when he’s not busy because you just want to talk. Tell him you feel bad about how things ended up between you and you’d like to resolve them in a nicer fashion so he doesn’t leave to the army with any negativity. If he holds his guard up and says he doesn’t care and that he’s fine with the ways things went down, then ask him to at least do it for you. Tell him you need the closure to see that there isn’t any negativity and you’d like to treat him to lunch.

Come Together

When you meet for lunch, be open with him and tell him what’s on your mind. Listen to his issues and try to get past his guard. It is important that you do not start arguing and avoid losing your call at all costs. I do not guarantee that you will get back together before he leaves to the army, but at least you both will receive closure. Also, try to move past the mean comments he has made in the past, because he only made them due to his anger that you did not feel the same way about him as he felt towards you. If you keep a cool atmosphere without anyone losing their temper then it could be a very nice experience and you actually may decide on some sort of arrangement that will suit the both of you, but you both must be open enough in telling each other what you two are currently looking for.

6 Comments »

  • FB of your dreams :) said:

    Hmmm…so I’ve been thinking about what you wrote and I’m pretty taken back by it, because I didn’t expect that at all. I figured he found someone else or was just really frustrated with me asking him to hang out or maybe the sex wasn’t great or he wasn’t attracted to me. I spoke with one of my friends who is a total player just like my FB and he agreed. The sad thing is that I’ve been disappointed by my fuckbuddies so much that I have developed a way for me not to develop feelings. Now the fact that maybe he likes me a little when I completely thought he didn’t has me all fucked up, because that little part of me that I was holding back has some hope now (even though he’s moving and I know it won’t work). I wish he would have just ended it when he left! Or just kept putting it off with the “I’m busy BS” he always fed me so I could only see him once a week.

    But on another note, I might have ruined it for good. I saw him out and I felt like an idiot but he already saw me so I couldn’t leave quite yet. Then these guys started buying my friend and I drinks. Eventually, he ended up sitting across the bar from me so I had one of the guys (far better looking than him) put his arm around me and act really into me. The jealousy game…wow so lame. Then I texted him when I got home again apologizing for everything I do…”sorry I didn’t think you would be here on a Thursday night, I wouldn’t have come (he has to work at 630 AM).” And he texted me back. And I continued to apologize for being a bitch to him but I didn’t want to explain to my friends about him and he said that I take the things he says completely the wrong way then no response to me afer my last text. Is it too late to try to talk to him? I’m afraid he’ll say no or not even answer me. I could completely start another FB relationship with someone, but for some reason when some guy texts me and it’s late…I end up wanting to text the Army guy. Bah! Foiled again! I do want to end it on a good note…at least see him one more time and end it the right way, but I don’t know if I should now or if he’d want to.

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    FB of your dreams :): I think you messed things up with that “trying to get him jealous” thing. It was like kicking a dog while it’s down, it has no benefit for either you or him. That was actually the perfect time for you to walk over to him and explain things like I advised, but you did the total opposite. At that point he needed to see you actually get up and leave your friends for the moment to make him feel at the center of attention and then you could have ended things on a lighter note, but the fact that you tried to push the game onto him and only stop the bullshit through a text once you got home made things worse. I don’t think there’s a chance or even a point to reconcile with him and it’s best to just move on. He’s moving away anyways so see that as a good thing. I’ve had fuckbuddies that ended on a bad note as well, and all you can do from it is just learn what went wrong and try not to repeat it.

    Reply to Comment

    FB of your dreams :) Reply:

    Yah I knew this…damn! Why is it that I know what I did wrong but yet I still do it??? I know the game and yet I still keep on playing it once I’ve won. Maybe someday, I’ll learn! If I see him out again randomly, should I still try it or just ignore him?

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @FB of your dreams: I personally wouldn’t. It ended bad so I would just accept it and say “hi, how are you” but that’s as far as I’d go with it next time I’d see the fuck buddy.

    Reply to Comment

  • FB of your dreams :) said:

    So let me just say that you are a genius. I waited a couple weeks and I talked to him online. I figured what the hell, he’s leaving. I asked what was up and if he ever wanted to get together again. He was still rejecting me big time, but I ended up telling him how I felt about him. How I really missed hanging out with him and how I did like him a lot, but he’s leaving and even if he wasn’t he wouldn’t want to be serious with me so it’s just us having fun…but definitly I liked him a lot. All he could say was, ‘I don’t know what to tell you. I’m just not used to having the same girl around for so long. I usually just see them like once or twice then dip out.’ Nothing mean, no more “you’re not my type” and etc. So I said that I just really hated how it ended on a bad note. He didn’t think it did…prob bc he always ends relationships like that. I asked if it would be weird if we ran into each other when we were out and he was like “well, we’re just two people trying to move on and we don’t need to talk to each other.” I said “okay, I’ll talk to you later.” So coincidentally, he showed up to the bar we met at that night…he NEVER goes out on weeknights! The funny thing…someone bought me my next drink and told the bartender not to tell me who it was from. Then his friend bought my friend a drink. Then he comes over to talk to me. I kind of joked that I thought we were just trying to move on and that we weren’t supposed to be talking to me and he kind of acted surprised by it. Then he tries to rebound with I’m just talking to you because my friends all think your friend is hot. Weird thing…I pretty much ignored him all night, but he ditched his friends and sat next to me pretty much the entire night. I warmed up to him a little and we kept kissing…not like FBs, but like cute kissing like we do when we’re alone snuggling…and he was holding my hand! This is from the guy who NEVER has a girl around unless it’s in a bedroom and NEVER wants to hang out with me, but he’s doing this in front of like 10 of his friends?? And his friends are cheering him on from across the bar and they knew who I was?? And you were totally right…he did like me more than just FBs. I literally think this player fell for me a little and now he’s all confused because he’s leaving. I even jokingly said, “ha you really do like me more than just friends ha ha ha.” Then he got all serious and said he didn’t want to talk about it. So he came home with me and it was SO great. More than just FB sex. This is bad. He’s moving. What the hell?? When does this EVER happen to anyone? Anyway, great advice just being honest with him and cutting the bullshit. What was the worst thing that could happen? He’d tell me he didn’t feel the same and move? Guess taking chances and being honest is probably really the best policy! Don’t want to get too many hopes up with you girls out there hoping your player will fall for you…but holy shit, it does happen! CRAZY! But honestly, he’s so immature…look at the shit he says to me…would you REALLY want to be in a relationship with a dude like that? Prob not.

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @FB of your Dreams: I’m really happy you kept me informed and that my advice worked ou as you’ve hoped. If you want, you can email me a testimonial with your thoughts on my advice, I’ll appreciate it. Enjoy your man while he’s still around.

    Reply to Comment


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